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| So, it's been about 9 months since I've posted anything on xanga. Honestly I kind of forgot it existed. So, what's new? Well, if you're completely out of the loop then you don't know that I am about 4 weeks away from having mine and Justin's baby girl. Obviously I didn't go back to school (couldn't really do that and make money to support her at the same time) Now I'm an office manager, soon to be field and office manager, for Ruby Red Properties. It's a good job, slightly stressful but I don't have to worry about a babysitter or anything in the future because the office management is done from home. I just recently had a major scare that made me realize how petty we can all be. See, my little brother has two private pilot's license and he's working on getting his commercial license. In order to work on getting his commercial license he has to fly places alone. Well he was flying to Dallas and supposed to meet friends there but somehow there was a mis-communication and we got the airports confused or something. Anyway, we get a phone call saying he hasn't shown up an hour and a half after he's supposed to have and we can't get him on his cell. SCARY! So, I did what any over-protective big sister would do. I used 411 and tracked down an emergency number for his flight instructor. Turns out he's fine and he landed there on time but at a different airport, thus the confusion. Also, apparently his flight was delayed so he won't land here for another hour. Goodness gracious, that was a scary couple of minutes. Honestly I'm not even sure what I was going to write now. Something about life being crazy I'm sure but for the moment I'm just being grateful. | | |
| So, xanga...man it's been a long time. I don't have too much to say. Those of you who need to know what's going on in my life do, or you know will be told either face to face or by phone. I can't lie, I'm really worried about how everything will turn out. I'm not really sure how I can be dependent on just me, you know? I mean, I've done it before but I feel like I'm not really in a place where I want to. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and do it. I mean, I don't have to depend completely on me, there are people who are more than willing to help...ever feel like you've gotten yourself into a situation that can't possibly be good for any of the parties involved? That's me in a nut shell right now. I just don't know what's best here, and I don't like being alone either. I know I've probably served to confuse you all but I promise that wasn't my intention. I guess it's just scary to realize that no one owes you anything. That they are free to be whatever type of person they want and the only thing you can do about it is decide whether or not you want that type of person in your life. And to what ends you would be willing to go to eliminate the problem. | | |
| You know who you are...other people will think I'm talking to them too, but I have full faith you'll be able to figure out this is meant for you. I read something you wrote the other day and I couldn't believe what I saw. I had every reason too, I had never really fully told you anything else. I guess that's because if I tell you I really do trust you, I'm afraid you'll stop trying to prove you're trustworthy, and as a result, end up failing me. Wow, that sounds so awful when I say it out loud, it looks harsh as words on a screen, but ultimately that's what it comes down to. I afraid that if you know you'll stop trying, I guess I never stopped to think it could hurt you to feel like you've proven yourself over and over but I still don't believe. I'm sorry. I miss you, so much.
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| Ok, so I'm not a trained writer by any stretch of the imagination, but it is one of those things that I do to help me release whatever I might be hanging on to. It's a little strange because at this very moment I find myself inspired by the movie Justin and I saw in the theatre tonight. It's silly but "Music and Lyrics" really made me think about how much I miss writing; how that way of communicating is almost lost on me now. Anyway, I say all this as a pre-curser because I intend to write a lot more. Hopefully I'll stick to it but if not you will all know that the intention is there. And maybe a kind friend will remind me that I need to write more in order to feel like I'm working toward whatever God has planned for me. It's kind of like acting, once I stop I can't fathom why I would want to, but I get back in the game and all the rushing around bogs me down. Either way I'm not satisfied but I literally can't imagine life without acting, or writing, or singing. A life without those forms of expression seems like a life better left alone if you ask me. With that said I will attempt to write one of my first public poems in years.
I stare through a magic looking glass
hoping and searching for some kind of truth
I'm losing sight of reality fast
and slipping into one of my moods
The walls become my enemy
closing in all around me
teasing me consistently
all the while I beg for mercy
I grip the blanket with clinched fists
my eyes well up with tears
I can't see clearly through the mist
but I know that in front of me stands my worst fear
I try to confront it head on
lacking the strength to move on
I break under the pressure and now I'm a pawn
taking my orders from the one sent to destroy me | | |
| CONFUSED!!!Three months ago, my topic of conversation? I'm going back to school, and I'm going to marry that boy one day. Today, school is nuts, but I'm getting through it, and the boy? Well, I'm not sure but I think I've lost him. Maybe to his habits, or maybe to my pride...God only knows, but I'm pretty sure he's gone. So my life? It's turned upside down! There's nothing I can do about it. I feel so incredibly lost right now and I don't want anything more than to just break down. I want to sleep for days and wake up knowing that this week was nothing more than a nightmare...I know that won't happen but a girl can dream right? So my birthday is tomorrow, another year goes by and my life seems to progress very little. The older I get the more I see time is wasting away, and I feel paralized, unable to do anything about it. Such is life though right? | | |
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