every once in a while, amidst the uncertainty that is my life, i find myself frustrated with the feelings of fear and inadequacy that accompany the idea of simply not knowing. despite the fact that uncertainty has been my life for the past while, it never really feels like it gets any easier…perhaps only more commonplace. though i’ve come to realize that i’m always just where i need to be, i often still wonder if i’m going where i need to go.

last week as some friends and i walked past the capitol, i couldn’t help but be amazed at the idea of actually living in such a place. i frequently find it so surreal that i am where i am because as i’ve said on more than one occasion, i never imagined i would ever be living here. and yet in retrospect, i can’t imagine being anywhere else at this particular time in my life. the experiences i’ve had and the people whom i’ve encountered have been exactly what i need.

in talking with a dear friend of mine today with regards to my experience this past year and a half, i became aware of the change of heart that’s taken place within me over the course of my time here as i have gained -and continue to gain- a more broad perspective of people and of life in general. what began as one of the most frustrating and challenging trials i’ve had to face thus far has become such a blessing…and it’s not that the situation itself has drastically changed, but that my perspective on it has. it’s been truly humbling and an incredible blessing to know that He knows me individually and knows exactly the kinds of experiences i need in order to faciliate my growth.

among the myriad of lessons i’ve had recently has been the one on the subject of love. you see for me, when it comes to love in any shape, form, or fashion, i have the propensity to be the epitome of idealism. this proclivity stems from the fact that i have been blessed with a life filled with wonderful examples who have not only told me, but even more often have shown me what it means to truly love. one of the greatest blessings of knowing that someone loves you is the assurance that it is unconditional --nothing you can do nor say changes that fact, and no coaxing or convincing required. it is the knowledge that they love you simply because you are you. how grateful I am to constantly feel the true love of so many in my life despite my many shortcomings. there is incredible comfort in knowing that there exist people with whom you can be completely yourself without fear of being critiqued or criticized and realize that it is they who create safety in a place where it can sometimes be difficult to find.

Currently Reading The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down By Anne Fadiman see related

exactly a year ago today i began something completely new in my life without any idea as to why i was doing it or how i would make it through. i look back at this past year's course of events and can't help but be amazed at how life has the most impeccable timing in giving us the lessons we need most and humbling us as we learn to how to deal with the some of the uncertainties with which we are faced.

this past year has been full of new experiences, all of which have allowed me to discover and uncover layers of myself i never really knew existed. learning to thrive outside of my comfort zone has stretched me in directions that are typically too uncomfortable to even fathom. as i reflect on how i've somehow managed to make it through, i really appreciate something that was shared with me this past week--that is, to "just try".

so often in my life i have been afraid to attempt  certain things for fear of failure, for fear of insurmountable consequences. my pride often gets the best of me and i fear doing something in which i'm not certain to succeed. the fact of the matter is that whether it be now or somewhere down the line, i will fail at something. not because i'm a failure, but because it's simply a part of life. because if i were good at everything, i would have no room nor need to grow. i couldn't be humbled by the challenges i face and i couldn't appreciate the process by which i am changed in learning about my own weaknesses.

what i've discovered is that this realization, in itself, transforms a perceived "failure" into a step toward self mastery. knowing this makes it easier to just try--even if odds seem against me, for i know that either way i will learn and gain something in the process.

a year later, i still often find myself wondering why it is that i was brought here to do what i'm doing. i then reflect on all that has happend in just a year and can't imagine being anywhere else at this point in time .

Currently Reading Kitchen Table Wisdom 10th Anniversary By Rachel Naomi Remen see related

this week has been a particularly interesting one for me, both physically and emotionally, in so many ways.  i would be remiss if i did not take the time to express my gratitude for all of the people in my life who have always been such a constant source of support and encouragement.  more and more each day i find myself gaining a greater appreciation for the trials that are in my life.  every so often, i find myself getting so bogged down with all that life throws me that i forget that it's all for some reason or other.  the unique gifts of family, friendship, forgiveness, patience, and feelings of peace have all been part of my thoughts and emotions this week as i continue on my quest in learning more about myself, the world around me, and just where it is that i fit in it all. 

sometimes, just when i feel like doors may be closing a little too quickly in my life, i receive sweet letters in the mail reminding me that as certain doors are closed, new ones are always being open and that i just have to not only look for them, but also be humble enough to walk through.  how could i NOT be grateful for this wonderful life of mine?!  it simply reaffirms my knowledge and belief that He does notice us and watch over us...and that it is usually through another person that He meets our needs.  how incredibly blessed i am to be watched over by so many angels.  they're all around us, put on this earth especially for each one of us...all we need to do is take a moment to watch for them and listen .

every so often, i feel myself getting too caught up in the path i'm taking in order to reach a particular destination and as a result, i lose sight of my ultimate goal.  it's always a difficult coming to the realization that we will not necessarily always get what we want, when we want it, and the way we want it.  much like a parent who refuses his or her child dessert before dinner, He wants us to have experiences that will help to nourish our spirits before getting to the prize.  how monotonous and unfulfilling life would be if everyone were to always get what he or she wanted.  there would be no room for growth and no blessing of gratitude because everything would be so easily obtainable. 

in recent conversations with many of the wise people in my life, i've been taught that we have two choices:  we can choose our destiny, where we ultimately end up... or we can choose the immediate path we want to travel.  if we choose our destiny, we don't get to choose the path we take to get there...and if we choose to determine our immediate path, we don't get to choose where we end up.  more often than not, i have the tendency to want to do both.  but if i have to choose, i'd like to decide where i'll end up...now if i could just learn to be humble enough to take whichever road that has been set for me in order to get there. 

amidst the anxiety and confusion of making life decisions, our vision often narrows and we only see what's right in front of us.  sometimes taking a minute to take a step back to look at the entire canvas helps to make things so much more clear as we see it all with newer eyes and a broader perspective.

how i got so lucky, i have NO idea...but i am truly humbled and grateful for the abundance of goodness that constantly surrounds me.  people often ask and wonder how it is that i always seem so happy...and i simply reply by asking how could i NOT be when i am constantly showered with so many blessings.

my 23rd has been particularly memorable (aside from the fact that i'm spending it in san diego ) because it's my first birthday away from home and all that's familiar to me.  this past year has been marked by many new and wonderful experiences.  from finishing college, traveling across the world to vietnam and singapore, to moving 1500 miles away from houston to complete a research fellowship while applying to medical school, it's all been so amazing...and the people and things that have crossed my path on the way are just icing on the oh sOo chocolately cake.

life on my own has been an incredible as i learn and come to the realization of how much i need my family and friends and how much they mean to me.  on the same token, there's so much comfort in learning to fight through my own battles and struggles and knowing that, by golly, i can do it!  it just feels sOo good !

the life that i have been given is so incredible, words cannot even begin to adequately express how fortunate i feel.  while i most certainly do not feel deserving of all the things with which i have been blessed, i hope to someday, in some way, help to bless the lives of others with even a fraction of all that i have been given.