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ChanMann
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Name: ChanMann
Birthday: 12/14/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: water polo, swimming, paintballing, hanging out, music, computers, online gaming, crazy action movies, etc. etc. my friends are really important to me, you guys know who you all are
Expertise: i dont think i am an expert at anything yet...im working on that. i am a master at seducing women... :P
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  swimstar00
AIM:  CaptainVodka00
AIM:  RunsInUnderPants
Member Since:
3/16/2004
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| - Dani Californiaso right now i feel like an emo bitch. school sucks, people sadden me--my own damn fault for that though--i have hella work to do. i am sick--my chest hurts from the dry cough that my allergies have been stimulating, it is quite painful to cough right now. i feel like i am being kicked to the curb, disregarded, not really cared for (not overall, just in some cases, thankfully). school is almost over. i want to go do so many things this summer i can't wait. i love my friends, i don't know what i would do without you guys, you put up with my shit and always cheer me up...ALWAYS. you guys are awesome. ok. end rant.
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| it has been quite a while since i have written here, so let me end the drought. i am still on the east coast; in boston at the moment. spring break has been pretty stressful, not relaxing like it should be. oh well, i will get a break this summer i suppose. school is looming in the very near future, i have 7 tests to make up, plus 3 english projects (the quote stuff) to turn in...my ass is going to be busy for the rest of april. prom is at the forefront of my mind, it is going to be my "end of schoolwork" party! i can't wait to be done with all the tests and work so i can just have fun that night without worries! woohoo. haven't decided on a school yet, i will do so very soon now though. it is between UC Berkeley and UC San Diego...the other schools i was considering have been ruled out, for numerous reasons i do not wish to discuss on xanga. if you really want to know, i would be happy to tell you though--just ask away, i have nothing to hide. i really can't wait to be home again, i have had enough of the east coast, i feel so secluded from my friends and everyone on the west coast, it is not a very good feeling. i suppose if i was here with friends and for pleasure rather than family functions, it would be a fun trip...but, alas, that is not why i am here and thus the trip has stunk overall. i really want to be home.
switching gears...the end of the year... my lord, it is approaching fast! about 2 months left of school...about 2 weeks left until IB tests...GEEZE IT IS ALMOST OVER! i can't wait, i want to be done and away from high school, so very badly. i will miss all my friends, but hopefully i will be able to keep in touch with each and every one of them, that is my goal.
prom...senior trip...disneyland road trip...graduation...grad night/grad parties...summer...i can't wait!!! THE END OF THE YEAR...can you dig it!? (haha...just had to add that).
<john...signing out> | | |
| rebuild, restart, rebirth...step one....
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| i feel like a horrible person. in part because of what i did in the past--trying to do the right thing, but just finding out now that i should have done things differently. but also feeling bad mostly because of what people think i do, and i don't. i just wish there was some way for me to prove to everyone, and to her, that that is not who i am and that everything is just horribly misunderstood. can't find fault with anyone, yet can't fix the problem...what a situation.
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| ok...so i have been thinking...
i had the interview for the buck scholarship today. it didn't go very well at all. i am usually good at interviews; calm, collected, and sharp. but this time, i was really jittery, my answers were short and i just didn't flow like i know i am able to flow, it was not my best at all. anyway, i have just been thinking a lot lately: what is it to be a good person? and to what extent does one's accomplishments in school have to do with one's social and personal life? i contend that one's social and school life are synonymous. that is, they are totally connected and a person in school is the same as a person outside of it. i was talking to a friend, sho believes that the two are separate. that is, one can do great things in school and be a model student--well-rounded and displaying excellence in academics, athletics, and community involvement--and yet be an ass, unworthy of such praise, outside of school. are the two really separate? i would like to think so, as i tend to do stupid things outside of school, and hurt those that mean the most to me without meaning to do so, yet i have a clean, near-perfect record in school and such. but i can't help but feel that the two, school and social life, are one and the same. that is, even if i am a great student, the fact that i do dumb things outside of school taints that image of excellence.
i honestly don't feel like i deserve the scholarships i have received, or the college acceptances i have merited. yes, my record is excellent on paper, in transcripts, and i come highly recommended by my teachers...but yet i personally do not feel that i live up to those standards anymore, i don't feel like the person they are endorsing. i feel like less. how can i accept scholarships and honors conferred to an "outstanding individual" if i myself no longer feel that i live up to that profile? i am just robbing someone else, possibly a person more deserving of the award due to their higher character, just because my accolades and accomplishments look better in an application. it just doesn't seem right to me.
i feel like i am the "golden boy" only because of the things i do, not because of who i am.
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