.. and ya know what? i miss when you used to need me. when you used to come home and missed me so much you got right on to talk to me, and if i wasn't on.. you texted my phone. i miss when you left me cute comments daily and always messaged me on yahoo. now it's the shady appearing offline bullshit. i miss when you used to laugh and cry with me. when you used to love eveything about me and couldn't get enough of me, or i atleast felt like it. i miss when you used to think i was so good for you and you always wanted me there. i miss it all. what the fuck happened?

ok so here's the run down.. me and trae broke up - he couldn't be in a relationship, stressed, whatever else.. then, he kisses that ugly bitch i've been worried about the whole time and now its this internet flirting shit. FUCK THAT. hahaha. but yeah so he hung out with and kissed the one bitch i always had a problem with.. thanks for the SLAP in the face. not only that, but he didn't even care and still hasn't apologized. he's single, why does he give a fuck? oh maybe because you love me? maybe not. but yeah so hat shit led to a BIG fight when i found out. that shit hurt so bad :( but basically we got over it. i thought it was a one time thing and i hope it was. but now all this online flirting shit's going on with these fucking gross bitches. wtf? it's fucked up considering what it does to me. he says it only for fun.. i don't have to deal with that shit. so i've decided i'm the side girl.. yay! yeah he loves me but not enough to be with just me. that's cool. and not only that, he seems like totally fine if i wanna go hook up with other guys and be with other people. ohhhh yeah you love me alright. it's just not fair. i'm sitting here, 100% loyal to him, dealing with his shit daily and everything else.. but he's the one stressed out. emily and sam know everything. it's funny because they're both like wow be done with that shit, you don't need it. but honestly, i see myself moving down there next year, everything being okay, and eventually living with trae in a couple years with our little fucking cha wow wow and that damn tv he wants. am i being foolish? that's everything i want. so sometimes i think it's worth it to deal with the stupid shit for now and then other times i'm like no it's not. i have no idea what i think anymore. why can't love be easy? i know that i'm better than alot of this shit and i just wish he would realize it before it's too late. there's only so much i can take. why compromise what we have for some internet girls who are just "fun?" you're 22 for God's sake. if something else happens and i muster the will power to walk away, who are you left with? who's gonna be there for you when you're upset? who will surprise you with things you like and help you any way they can? who will unconditionally love you.. the way I do? find some bitch who can be me.. goodluck. and no i'm not giving myself too much credit by any means, read the fucking myspace quote! and then read it AGAIN. i'm out.

mk, so i'm sitting here and i'm supposed to be doing my AP bio work but i don't wannaaaa. haha. i just got back from my trip to South Carolina today. it was amazinggggg! i love USC! anddd i got to see my baby :) he even got a room saturday and i spent the night in his room! it was beyond perfect. i love feeling his warm body next to mine as i sleep and waking up to his adorable face! i can't wait until that's finally us, not just for one night. i really needed this weekend. i've been so stressed lately and he has been too, which makes me even more stressed. when we're together that's all gone though, it's just us and i love it. i love him more than anything, he means everything to me. he makes me happy and that's what i want and need. USC is like 7 months away but this weekend reassured me that we'll be just fine. we have real love for eachother and hopefully time won't affect that. i know how hard it is being away from someone you love. especially with all the temptations and etc. that's what worries me so much. i know i'll be able to remain loyal and whatever else and i trust he will too. i asked him if he was going to wait for me friday night. wait for me meaning wait until i get down there and not be with anybody else. he said yes and then said it again to me this morning when i dropped him off before i left SC. he said something like remember i told you i'd wait for you, i promise. it's hard to say something like that but knowing he did makes me feel okay. i swear when he smiles, everything is okay. you can't find someone like my lovey anymore, i'm extremely blessed! plus he's fucking hott, sexy, cute, whateverrr! :) i was so sad this morning when i had to leave. but next year i'll most def. be at USC for school. i'm applying this week and i should knew within the next 2 months!! i'm so excited! once this all comes together, i'll have everything i want. i feel good right now. i'm a little worried about this one thing but i guess we'll get through it if it happens. his really good friend asked him to be her roommate today. well he used to like this girl and idk i thought he was being flirty on cam for her a week or two ago. so i'm a little shakey about that. who wants their boyfriend, or whatever we are, to live with a girl.. alone.. who he used to like.. when you live 10 hours away and you're not officially together. this whole "i don't know what'll happen in the future" thing he says sometimes, freaks me out. what if he hooks up with her one night, which obviously won't be too hard considering they'd live together, and then everything between us is ruined? i don't think i can handle the thought of it in the back of my head even. i'd be beyond hurt, i don't think i could forgive something like that. but idk i know i'm overthinking/ overreacting but who wouldn't? that's his best friend.. what if he falls in love with her and doesn't want to be with me anymore? considering all the worrying and annoying i do.. it wouldn't be hard. but i know he loves me. i know he's been true to me the whole time we've been talking so far. anytime i've flipped about something stupid, i was wrong. so i'm gonna let things play out. i'm pretty sure he knows i don't like the idea AT ALL, but it's his life. you can't make your own decisions based on what other people feel or think. i know this. i know he needs to get on his own two feet again and instead of holding him back, i'm going to support him. i only ever want him to be happy and the best for him. i just one day want him to be happy with me, because he feels i'm what's best for him. lol :) i'm selfish sometimes. idk maybe not. but yeah trae wanted me to get my shit done so i'm gonna go do that now.

missing you baby. love you always..

i'll just keep it to myself from now on. i can't change what will happen or what already has happened, i need to realize that. i'm losing you and i can't change that and i hate myself for it. i'm trying so hard, i am. i need you. i want you. i have so many flaws, i can't expect you to just make everything better. just tell me what the fuck to do.

whattttt the fuck do i dooooooooooooooooo?

i don't want to lose you, i don't want to be strung along. what the fuck do i do? you'll end up hating me sooner or later.

I'm sitting under falling stars.
Do you miss me where you are?
I'm making plans to be with you,
but have they come unglued?

it's so funny everytime i sign on this page.. so old. even the layout is retarded. haha. but anyway, today is a good day.. i think. after that last post.. me and trae actually did break up. it's really hard but nothing has really changed so a) why did it happen? and b) i don't have anything to be upset about. i mean of course little things have changed like just now i typed "that's my baybay" without even thinking about it and usually he would say "mhm yours" or something. idk. nothing big. also i'm nosey as hell! he actually asked me first if i was talking to other guys or something like that. i was surprised because he knows how much i care about him and how upset i've been.. but that makes me wonder if he's talking to other girls. he said no. maybe i consider "talking" other things. i know he has alot of friends that are girls and he talks to alot of different girls but now little things. is he flirting with all of them now? calling them? calling them names like baby or babygirl? he hasn't even called me babygirl in the last couple days. i always found that to be an endearing term, not a casual "what's up girl" type of thing. hahaha. but i overthink and overreact. it's not my business anymore and maybe it never was. i just can't help it. matt was so strict with the jealousy over me that he made me feel that's normal. i've become like that with jealousy and i hate myself for it sometimes and i know trae hates it too. especially because he doesn't get jealous. oh well, i get too attached and i think i set myself up for the fall most of the time. i'm not comparing this at all to matt though. time will tell with trae and i. USC open house is next week and i'm excited but scared. i hope he doesn't act differently.. i hope i don't. and if things don't work out i really don't think i'll still go to USC. can't deal with that much money and everything else for nothing. but then again, is that selfish? he never promised things would work out but i just always assumed they would. i shouldn't expect them too but i'm afraid to not expect it. i really have no reason to be writing this right now but i'm boreddddddddddd. lol. i told this guy in his early 30s, brian, that i work with about the trae situation and he thinks he knows it all. he's always trying to give me advice on it and i'm like hey you're a single parent with no girlfriend, working at goulds.. what do you know? but he does make sense. he says that if trae wants to wait until i get down there to be serious.. he probably will end up wanting to be with other people before i get down there. that's my biggest fear right now, but i don't think so. don't get me wrong, i don't expect him to wait on me for like 8 months until i finally get down there.. but i would do it for him and i will. it'll be hard because of the time period but maybe next weekend will hold me over for awhile. i had this dream that we were having sex and i started crying and couldn't stop. i keep thinking about it. i know why  i was crying, but hopefully that won't happen. i'm just gonna hafta be mature and suck it up next weekend. make the best out of the short time i have with him because i do love him more than anything and i fucking miss him soo much. college scares me. i'm wrong about alot of things sometimes. i just don't wanna be wrong about this. i'm stubborn and selfish. we'll see where it gets me in the end. peace niggssssss.