i feel so awful..

Ugh. I was crying last night for 2 hours. I couldn't sleep even though I took a 4 hour nap earlier.

Even though I am supposedly with Ethan I found out that my true feelings were not showing on to him. From that point I knew I have to break it off and I really don't like him. I was surpressing him with someone else. Brian Ng.

I don't understand. Brian. Why.

He lied to me and you hid it from me. I can't believe. We both are hidden from jealousy from each other and agreed to not be hard on feelings of each other. Then I realize we are over protective over each other.

I met this guy name Nick online who is from Brian's guild. Ya warcraft thing. So anyways he end up being my friend and in the end he asked me about Brian and what is my relationship toward him. I told him it would never work at all because he doesn't trust me. Then he told me about Marie and I said I do not like her because she likes Brian.

She is one of those girls who only wear snobby Designer shit and she's filipino too. I don't like her. Brian was on Ventrillo(talking messenger program) with this other guy in a locked channel. So I asked Nick who is that guy and he told me that him and that guy and Marie are all friends in real life.

"No, Brian does not know Marie in real life."

"Yes, he does. All of them are all good friends. They met to plan and meet up at Fanime. And they were telling the guild all about their day and adventure and how they all had a good time with each other."

I got so mad and betrayed. It felt like there was a knife stabbed thru my eyes repeatively and my heart felt like it stopped. I didn't reply back to Nick. I paused for about 2 min. and he asked why am I not responding. Then I told him in tears that I didn't feel like talking anymore and I was betrayed.

I felt used and annoyed. Brian told me that day he was meeting up with one friend that was a girl from his school. I didn't know he was meeting up with Marie and the other guy. He knew I could have gone to Fanime and meet up with him but he didn't suggest it cause I said I might go.

I knew brian for 4 years. For a really long time. We would hang out at times and that little lie was killing me so badly. It may seem nothing but I never see him it is at least 2 or 3 times a year.

Eh I know that nothing would work between me and him anymore and I did not want to go visit him in Milipitas. We still really like each other but I don't understand. He was in the hotel with Marie and the other guy. They all share the same room. He would rather see her and Lie to me.

God if anything somebody may think this is silly. But I am a girl and our minds function differently and we try to invistigate if everything is fine. I trusted him and he didn't tell me if he was meeting with other girls. He was lying.  I am not really with Ethan. This is actually a long distance relationship even if we do see other so often.

Then I realize he isn't the one I want to be with and I was never actually so happy. I am going to say bye to him and return everything and deny going to vacation for a week with him. Eh it may seem I am overreacting. But....After I do that I have to find a way to understand Brian then leave him. Burying everything like I did with my other old memories and just move on. Good for me.

well

Well I have been orderly pissed off in a long manner. My brother has no respect for anyone in this house of mines. When summer ends I am going to visit Ethan for week in Texas. Apparently I just learned today in Govt.that Texas is the state with the Highest prosecuted laws. He told me they really do execute the retarded which is making me sad.

Anyways I already took a nap earlier and just reinstalling WoWacraft again. I somehow put my Econ book somewhere around my house or I kind of feel I left it in my neighbors house but there is a chance mostly likely not.

Anyways my dad is not allowed to come into this house. My mom is so stupid because she makes actions that she does not mean. So when she said my dad was threatening to kill her he got cuffed and my mom was shocked that he was. He did say that and to kill himself too but that was a long time ago. Apparently this all happened friday morning, so when my sister said yeah Fri the 13th is cursed. She is kind of right because with all this bad lucky of stroke.

I am not allowed to see my dad. For fathers day my sister and i and him went to some place near SF where there were asian shops and stuff. We entered this tea shop where you sample the tea just like Coscto and the guy was really funny with his wife too. We went shopping a bit and I found these really cute shoes that were made from Thailand. We then ate at a Thai restraunt too with really good food. While we were walking we also saw a newly opened japanese restraunt and outside were people playing music. They looked like they are in their late 40s or 50s and the person who owned the restraunt was a drummer and he is japanese.

I had fun that day but its kind of sad how my dad does not get to see his kids and how he has to sneek in at night and some parts of his life a failure which is has succumb too. stuff.

cant sleep

I am typing this because I can't sleep. I always have a problem sleeping.

On top of that my dad got arrested today. I'll write more later. Yes he really did this early before sunrise. Around 1 am ish.

blueberry shortcake

Well yesterday I went with my mom to San Mateo to talk to a person that helps her get divorce by herself from my dad. We got lost because she wouldnt listen to me when I told her to go to a certain street so we arrived at our destination 1 1/2 hour later. It actually takes 15 minutes to drive to San Mateo from SSF.

We then spent another 2 hours at the guys office while I was texting my friend. When my mom and I walked back on the wrong street I saw about 6 korean guys next to blockbuster. And 2 of them were wearing thick rimmed glasses which I obviously pointed as the hottest. When I passed by they just went quiet and stared ...but my mom stopped where they were standing, in front of Blockbuster blabbering about something. So I complained and we kept on walking.

My mom said that she wants us to move to San Mateo when she divorces and told me I had an option to either go to school at South City high or the one in San Mateo. I thought hard and maybe it will depend in due time when it happens in about exactly 6 months because she filed the divorce yesterday.

After that we went to Kaiser where she took her blood test and I gave her my phone to call her best friend Lang in las vegas. Tita Lang also got a divorce with her husband too. He discovered internet room chatting, when I was in Las Vegas all my cousins and me were making fun of his internet Pi girlfriend. She was ugly, and fat, and thinks she is pretty. We harassed her online. My dad is chatting with other girls online but that isnt just the reason why my parents are getting divorce.

They been married for 23 years but within those years it has always been full of verbal abuse and physical abuse. So I feel bad for my mom and I have not that much respect for my dad anymore too. When I move to the Philippines I am going to be a bitch to everyone one of his family. And I will probably be an asshole to my dad's girlfriend when I go there too. ^^"

Anyways 10 minutes after I gave my phone to my mom Ethan called...but my mom stayed on the phone for 2 hours. During those hours my mom and I went to Costco where I got myself :15 dozen eggs, blueberrys, spinach, cheese, tomatoes, stuff. So that brings me to today. I woke up, water the plants, baked a cake...made blueberry sauce..and made myself a BlueBerry Shortcake ^^"

It Looks like crap LOL. I put on the frost poorly and there are actually blueberries with icecream, and whip cream in the middle. ^^

But I don't know what to do nowadays..maybe I should remodel my room again. Eh...if I do that I have to move all those stupid paintings in my room around, toys, jewelry, shelves of crap and books, tv, game systems, clothes ...things.

I guess when my dad leaves I am going to get myself a pet cat and keep it for me and be happy with it. =)

Pandas

Earlier I was watching this new panda cartoon on CN(cartoon network) I really like it. I also like the show Chowder. Really cute show. ..Anyways~

My summer is going well so far. I got mad at Ethan and sent back this golden band that had some diamonds on it he sent me. Yeah I paid for it to be sent back. I don't know. When I sent something back last time, the day right after he got it he came to visit me and said sorry. I still go so mad at him.

He's one of those rich koreans..whose parents own this big hotel in korea..he a player? Iono. Still sweet at times but makes me sad too. I burned that photo of me and him..but that doesnt matter cause I have the digital photo on my pc.

You know what I hate. When you eat bread, and then the bread goes stale after it's been out for several hours. Well I hate a lot of things, when I tell people ' you know what I hate' I am just pointing out the things I already hate.

Well I do have summer school. It starts this friday and I also return this library book that is due today, eh I'll just turn it in on friday and pay for the fee and then recheck it out, like usually how lazy I am. I been rechecking out the same book for I believe about 3 months already.

Last thursday when I went to tanfran with my best friend sarah, and then 1 hour later my childhood friend James K. joined us. Before James came Sarah and I just sat in front of Saraku Japan where I was staring at the cute asians as usual, and she thought the guy serving food was cute but I didnt. When they switched I thought the next guy was hot. The cooks were hot too lawl. I am so weird. Anyways when James did came we went to Barnes and Noble book store to read books, while he read mangas. I saw several cute asian guys, I could tell they were korean and one of them had hard rimmed glasses..lol weird fetish ^^" It's funny cause James pointed it out and I laughed because it was true.

So the time when I went to the mall it was just chat time with Sarah and funny photo time with James too. The photo where I am creeping behind James in a gray photo with me rawring was that day somewhere on my websites.

Well I am bored and I hope summer school at skyline goes well to next week because I am going to be all alone for that class; well not literally all alone. Just alone with no friends, of course other people are going to be there.~

Well I gotta study hard ya? Parents are filing divorce again, seriously. I feel bad for both of them and sick of both of them too. My dad goes out all alone cause he is sad, iono why. But he cheats on my mom anyways and hits her. My mom is mad and angry at my dad for cheating on him which is pretty sad. But I am mad at her at times for asking me stupid things. Their problem but I want to make sure I am going to live in SSF till I grad class of 2009. I hope.