| | ready... aim...I feel like I shoot myself in the foot. I am a very open guy... which
is a good thing. But who wants to be with a guy who doesn't have some
air of mystery? One can't idealize somebody you know already.
Similarly,
I'm stable. I have a job, car, and place to live... none of which I'm
excited about. How should I expect somebody else to be excited about
sharing this life with me? I want to have adventures that don't consist
just of my car breaking down. I want something both exciting and good,
but that may be too much to ask. In talking to my sister, I realized
that I have another 5 or 10 years to wait before just "being stable"
becomes attractive to anybody. And yeah, I'm not even sure I want it
for myself.
Which brings me to: lastly, I'm not too fond of
myself. I don't exercise much, but I haven't found anything that would
motivate me to do so except just for the sake of maybe being more(?)
attractive. I'd like romance in my life, but I can't dance, I always
say the exact wrong thing, and work keeps me pretty darn busy and
tired. I have a lot of bad habits... how should I expect anybody to
want to want to deal with me and all my baggage? I don't even know
where I'm going in life or what God has been up to over the last few
years (though it's not for lack of asking). On the plus side, I always
count it as a great blessing whenever people can be patient with me and
can look past all this junk (which, ironically, includes my
semi-depressed ramblings like this one).
At least I know Jesus
loves me. I may have no plans, no ambition, and no special skills,
talents, or attractiveness... but at least I have some hope of life and
love with God. That's already way more than I deserve. So life is
livable, at least, even if it's just me being spent for the sake of
others and for the sake of somehow God being glorified in my weakness
and failures. It may be broken and crappy, but at least He says it will
not be futile or unbearable. |
| | Posted 9/5/2006 12:53 AM - 4 comments
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