Jerry Falwell finally died.As we all know, Falwell was one of extremist Christianity’s superstars, right up there with such luminaries as future assassin of Hugo Chavez and all-around superman Pat Robertson, cult leader and all-around fag-hater Fred Phelps, and our very own mysterious recluse and all-around mad cartoonist Jack T. Chick.Jerry Falwell founded both Liberty University and the Moral Majority Coalition – organizations that were not lacking in religious zealotry or laughably hypocritical names – but is probably best known for his outstanding career of helping the world take Christian fundamentalists way less seriously by making a stammering ass out of himself at every opportunity.
I wasn’t around when Falwell sued Hustler magazine for a parody ad involving him confessing to how he drunkenly lost his virginity to his mother in an outhouse and then lost in the Supreme Court, nor was I old enough to see The People vs. Larry Flynt when it came out, nor do I have any intention of putting it into my Netflix queue.My first encounter with Jerry Falwell came when he claimed that one of the Teletubbies was gay.His statements were greeted by the nation with confusion as to why exactly he felt this was worth his attention, and were quickly written off as the late-night talk show joke fodder they were.Then came September 11th, 2001, and Falwell made the biggest impression of his career by appearing on The 700 Club and placing the blame for the World Trade Center attacks on gays, lesbians, feminists, and the ACLU.This declaration was met with much less enthusiasm than the Teletubby remarks, although in all fairness there was a brief period of no reaction, as the nation was still trying to figure out if he was serious or joking or I don’t even know.Helping to cement his role in the Crazy Christian Hall of Fame was the comment he made on CNN the following day when he said he would “never blame any human being except the terrorists, and if I left that impression with gays or lesbians or anyone else, I apologize.”
As an avid user of the English language, I’d just like to ask what the fuck he thought we were going to infer from the statement “I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way – all of them who have tried to secularize America – I point the finger in their face and say 'You helped this happen.’”The man even mentioned the physical motion of finger pointing to help illustrate where his blame was heading.When Babe Ruth pointed to the far bleachers in 1894, or whenever the hell baseball was born, he knew damn well that everyone was going to understand that…do I even have to finish this analogy?Jerry Falwell went crazy, just like we all did after 9-11, but at the same time most of us weren’t asked to make ridiculous assertions about the tragedy on national television, and even if we were, I’m sure we could’ve kept some amount of dignity in the process.
The thing that struck me most about this passing was that roughly a week before the cholesterol finally crusted his blubbery heart shut, Falwell made an appearance on CNN and stated that he’d like to live another 20 years.Now I’m not really one to make outrageous claims, but it seems to me that if you were doing the one true God’s work and you humbly asked for a few more years to complete your mission, you’d get them.Either God is really bad at math or He finally had enough of Falwell’s attitude.Imagine it as a cop movie, wherein God is the loud, gruff police chief and Jerry Falwell is the renegade detective who doesn’t play by the rules.“Dammit, Falwell, you embarrass this department every time you get near a microphone!I’ve got Internal Affairs up My divine ass because you can’t keep your mouth shut!Not only that, your wild theories about feminist terrorist rings and butt-fucking children’s mascots has cost us countless man-hours to investigate, and nothing’s ever panned out!I’m sick of it!You’re getting reassigned, and that’s final!”The best part by far, though, is when Falwell mentions a biblical story about a man who, moments from death, prays to God for 15 mores years and gets them.Since Falwell’s death is the punch-line to that set-up, I’m just going to make a simple sarcastic statement:“Way to prove your Bible is right, dude.”
Now that fundamentalist Christianity has lost one of its champions, and the rest of us have lost yet another source of free giggles, I’d thought I’d take the opportunity to post something of a tribute.However, updating obviously hasn’t been a priority for me the past few months.That doesn’t seem to have stopped people from reading this site, though.According to the Xanga Footprints feature, I’ve been averaging roughly 110 visitors a week, which is one hundred and ten more than you’d rightfully expect from a weblog that makes fun of religious propaganda and only updates every five months.Also according to Xanga Footprints, the majority of my readers are in either California, Connecticut, or Spain, with a few Hong Kongs thrown in for good measure.First of all, who the fuck do I know in Hong Kong, and secondly, thank you to all the readers, new and old, for continuing to put up with my bullshit.
I really can’t say I’m lacking content to post; along with the two reviews I already have written and the four submitted by fans, I ordered the full selection of Chick tracts and a movie about the blatant evil of Harry Potter with the full intention to look them over.The problem is I don’t have the motivation to edit anything up on the computer to get ready to post.I’m not going to blame it on school, work, the girlfriend(s), or even the fact that my laptop broke after Spring Break, even though that totally did happen.The simple fact of the matter is I’m lazy.
Actually, the real reason I haven’t updated is because I’ve been watching this video nonstop for the past four months:
That all being said, I still feel it wouldn’t be right to send off Jerry Falwell without a proper ChickTracts-style review.So here, in his honor, I present the ChickTracts review of the video for the Skatt Bros. song “Life at the Outpost":
♪♪ Hup, shoot ‘em up!
Hup, ride! ♪♪
If I had to describe the Skatt Bros. to anyone based on my immediate reaction of this video, I’d have to say that they’re like the Village People, only more lubed up and way, way gayer.I’m not saying they are gay; I’m just saying they made absolutely sure that in the first few seconds of their music video all of your attention is focused on their thrusting crotches.
Once the band feels the audience has a firm understanding of where their groins are, they begin to walk back and forth like tigers pacing in a cage.Also, they punch the air.I’m not sure they got any direction on that, though, because each band member has their own unique way of interpreting the walk-and-punch.The buffed up Freddy Mercury on the left decided that he was going to look as angry as possible, as though the other band members are shocking him with cattle prods between takes.I honestly thought he was going to take a swing at one of guys line-dancing next to him.The guy on the right, on the other hand, looks terrified to be there.Probably because he’s the one who ate Freddy Mercury’s lunch out of the fridge, and he’s going to get a black eye once the video shoot is over.
You’ll notice that during the back-and-forth walk the guy in the front left took his jacket off, and that it remains off for the rest of the video.I guess there are only so many combinations of wife beaters and leather vests you can do at one time, so one of the guys had to go topless.And yes, I am well aware that the guy looks exactly like Chuck Norris, especially once he gets into his kata stance.
♪♪ Give your love to a cowboy man!
He’s gonna love ya hard as he can can!
Give your love to a cowboy man!
He's gonna love ya hard as he can! ♪♪
Look, I’m not homophobic or anything, but if I walked into a random bar and had this staring back at me, I’d back out calmly but quickly.
They almost got the gay cowboy bar down pat, except for the fact that the guy all the way to the right, standing behind Scaredy Moustache, is wearing a beret.I’m not blind, right?That guy is wearing a beret.I don’t know if these guys were supposed to bring their own cowboy hats from home and he didn’t have one or they ran out of them before he got to the costume trailer or what, but you’d think they’d have caught that while shooting.“What the hell, Frank?Are you seriously wearing a beret?Dude, we’re cowboys today, remember?Gay Frenchmen is the next video we’re doing.”
♪♪ Well, the sergeant at arms
Had masculine charms
He could keep all the ladies a’ waiting!♪♪
The lead singer starts in with some tale about a charming army man, but much like the Village People the lyrics that exist outside of the chorus are of little importance to anyone except the people who need to nitpick and show everyone how the song is gay.Of course it’s kind of backwards for the Skatt Bros, because they mention women a lot in their lyrics, which might lead you to believe that this song doesn’t have any homosexual connotations in it at all.I think it’s to throw people off the trail, but I could be wrong.
After all, the young lead singer immediately reminds men of Road House, and that movie’s totally not gay.Not only does it feature Patrick Swayze at his finest, but the movie features important life lessons, like how pain don’t hurt, and how if you live like a loner and fight like a professional, you have to love like there’s no tomorrow.Oh man, now that I think about it, this video is so not gay!These guys are just the ripped bouncers at a rough and tumble military bar, where the whiskey hits as hard as the fists and the ladies go down as smooth as the bourbon.I had this thing pegged all wrong from the get go!
Okay, yeah, this video’s completely gay.
♪♪ His black leather boots
Kicks the butts of recruits
What a way to keep up your rating! ♪♪
Once again, Beret Pierre throws off the whole thing.He’s really trying to get all the attention in this video, no small order when the thing features shots of leather cowboy boots resting seductively on other men’s dicks, but god damn if he doesn’t pull it off.I guess whenever someone in a leather jacket stands behind anyone else and shadowboxes for no reason, that’s where your attention’s going to go.
♪♪ Life at the outpost!
Whoa, every single night!♪♪
This one’s just for you, ladies.Enjoy.
♪♪ Life at the outpost!
Oh, you can bet on your life!
Life at the outpost!
The men were working it right!
Every single day, all the ladies would say! ♪♪
Now that he doesn’t have to share the camera with Beret Pierre, Patrick Swayze really gets into it.He starts screaming at the camera, and then has to wipe all the sweat off his brow, even though we’re not even a full two minutes into the song. I guess when you’re surrounded by several brawny, scantily-clad cowboys who could bench-press two of you, you’re going to be pouring sweat for one reason or another.
I’m not really sure what to make of this part of the video.It’s not because I’m against the idea of a woman saddling up a naked man, whipping him, grabbing his hair, and riding him like the naughty pony he his; hell, I’ve paid for it a bunch.It’s just a rather abrupt change in the theme.Maybe this dream sequence is a look at one of the cowboy’s deep, inner desires, something he keeps bottled up from the other cowboys while they lift weights or rub each other’s genitals.I hope it doesn’t get out, lest he be looked down upon in the gay cowboy community.“Wait, wait, whoa… you mean to tell me that you want to be ridden and humiliated by someone… who has a vagina? You sick fuck!”
♪♪ The unlisted men, they all had a yen
For a lady they call Miss Lily!
Struttin’ around on the Calvary ground
Just as hot as a love-struck filly! ♪♪
As much as I’d like to comment on likelihood that the addition of this woman is some sort of a smokescreen to preemptively deter accusations of homoerotic content within the video – after all, once the lady disappears behind that guy’s hat, you never see another woman in this video again – I just can’t get over the fact that they compare to the woman in the song to a horse in heat.That just gets me all giggly inside.
Along with that, when I was looking up how to spell “filly,” Encarta Dictionary on Microsoft Word said that along with being a female horse under four years old, “filly” is also an offensive term for young women.While that does kind of mesh with the subtle theme of demeaning women in most gay propaganda, I don’t think it’s anything against the woman in the video.After all, “filly” is derogatory to young girls, and this woman has got to be pushing forty.Yeah, yeah, lick your lips at me all you want, lady, but it’s not going to turn back the clock on your wrinkly vagina.
♪♪ Life at the outpost!
Whoa, every single night!
Life at the outpost!
Now you can bet on your life!
Life at the outpost!
Those men were workin’ it right
Every single day, all the ladies would say… ♪♪
If you can get past the row of firmly toned butts (again, for the ladies out there), you’ll notice that for some reason, while the guys on the right have the proper foot attire, the guys on the left showed up in their Adidas sneakers.And I thought Beret Pierre messed up his costume.Look, is a little bit of costume accuracy all that much to ask for?I know Chuck Norris has to be ready with some wicked roundhouse kicks at a moment’s notice, but what’s the point if he’s not going to stay in character?
♪♪ Give your love to a cowboy man!
He’s gonna love ya hard as he can can! ♪♪
While it’s easy to get caught up in the rhythmic swaying of three gay cowboys, you have to realize that there is someone off camera trying to play pool while these guys dance around with the rest of the pool cues.This game is going to take forever if he has to maneuver around these lubed up cowboys for every shot.Even if they’re all playing it’s going to be a long game, because I have the feeling that they’ll be dancing around instead of taking their turns.Maybe you could show a little courtesy next time, Skatt Bros., and take your fucking shot.
♪♪ Give your love to a cowboy man!
He’s gonna love ya hard as he can! ♪♪
This is my favorite part of the video, and not because it’s obviously the most choreographed or the most ham-fisted way they could’ve shoved cowboy related moves into a dance.It’s because after Patrick Swayze puts his “guns” back into their “holsters” and points at the camera, he snaps his hip to the left so hard that I think it breaks.
God, there are so many jokes for this picture I’m going to explode.Here are a few that come immediately to mind:
“New from RealTec, the Chuck Norris blow-up doll!Finally you can have a Chuck Norris of your very own, with fuckable orifices!He’ll be your one of your trusty Sidekicks for years to cum!”
“On a very special Walker, Texas Ranger, Walker must go undercover at the truck stop…”
“Put penises here.”
♪♪ Give your love to a cowboy man!
He’s gonna love ya hard as he can!
Yeah, he’s gonna love you
He’s gonna love you
He’s gonna love you just as hard as he caaaaaan!
Oh yeah, hard as he caaaaAAAaayn! ♪♪
The song begins to end around here, so the Skatt Bros. pull out all the stops and begin robotically line-dancing while Patrick Swayze moans and sweats at the camera.Say what you will about line-dancing, but god bless those white-bread honkies for making it the easiest way to dance possible.Walk forward, throw out arms, turn, walk forward, throw out arms again…yeah, now I’m grooving!
By the way, I’d just like to give myself kudos on capturing the goofiest Patrick Swayze expression in the whole video.
These dances may be easy, but god damn they boggle the mind.What exactly are the steps for this one here?“Punch cock, punch cock, punch ass, punch ass, and again!Punch cock, punch cock, punch ass, punch ass…Again!Stay in rhythm now!”
Remember when I gave myself kudos for getting the goofiest expression Patrick Swayze had in the video?Yeah, okay, now I give myself kudos for getting the goofiest expression Patrick Swayze has in this video.
While the rest of the cowboys continue line-dancing their little hearts out behind him, Patrick Swayze starts going ape-shit for what seems like no reason.At first I thought it was because he saw another chimpanzee in the cage next to him and he lost it, or maybe he was just angry that the song was coming to an end.Then I looked a little closer at his facial expressions and realized…he’s just getting a blowjob.Someone ought to take a head count of the other cowboys in the bar.
Oh yeah, I’m right on the money.
♪♪ GIMME SOME COWBOY LOOOOOOVE! ♪♪
Seems to me like you’ve got plenty of it, buddy.
♪♪ Hup, shoot ‘em up!
Hup, ride! ♪♪
“So do you want the job or not?”
“Let me get this straight:If I take the bouncer position at this bar, I’ve got to fight drunken hillbillies, women rarely ever come in here, I get no free drinks, and I’ll be forced to confront my inner demons and give up my lone wolf lifestyle?”
“Yep.”
“But these guys will be dancing for me all the time?”
“Yep.”
“You’ve got yourself a bouncer!”
♪♪ Hup, shoot ‘em up!
Hup, ride! ♪♪
I’m sure this guy has a totally boss tattoo they were trying to show off, but they didn’t take into account the fact that pouring a whole bottle of baby oil on it might not mesh with their lighting.Unless, of course, that guy actually has a tattoo of a big glare.
♪♪ Hup, shoot ‘em up!
Hup, ride! ♪♪
Talk about let downs.This guy goes through the whole video being the brawniest looking bad-ass of the bunch, and then he goes and ruins it all by wearing his hat like it’s a fucking sun bonnet.Chuck Norris went from being the muscular hero cowboy to the pathetic comic relief cowboy with just 45 degrees on his hat.What a note to go out on…
♪♪ Hup, shoot ‘em up!
Hup, ride! ♪♪
Finally, the back-up dancer you didn’t really notice until now gets his close-up!Congratulations, Chet, you earned it!
And like all gay line-dances, it ends with a rousing group game of pinball.These things are always…*sniff*…always over too soon.
So what exactly did we learn from this video?If you’re like me, you learned absolutely nothing, but your life was still changed anyway.I guess if I had to tie it all back to what I opened this update with, I’d say that if were to really take Jerry Falwell’s word to heart, we’d never get to see awesome stuff like this video.Attempts at religious oppression may be an annoyance we have to deal with in this country, but if we can just put on our cowboy boots and tight leather pants, take off our shirts, and line-dance with other men in some crappy bar somewhere, then we’re one crotch-thrust closer to complete freedom for not only us, but our hot, sweaty chests as well.And I really don’t care what you think; that last sentence was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever written.
Tract Synopsis from Chick.com:“Time was running out for Ashley. Drugs would soon kill her. But a praying grandmother made the difference.”
This week, on a very special episode, has Samantha become a hippie?Or is it just a comical misperception Darrin has because of a series of unlikely hi-jinks?Will Satan finally arise from Aunt Clara’s cauldron and take his place as the Dark Lord of the Mortal Realm?Guest starring Uncle Arthur!
Jack Chick continues his long standing tradition of avoiding copyright infringement in his tract titles by adding punctuation marks to well-known movie and television show titles.I wonder if it would work for me.As an experiment in avoiding copyright infringement by posting these tracts, I’ll be adding punctuation to every one of the pages.God may hate witches and faggots, but He has blessed the legal loophole.
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I think Jack Chick got so caught up on copying the “Ugly Man” Halloween mask he found at Wal-Mart that he forget to give his Master Control Demon thumbs.Satan’s really hurting for minions if all he can get to run the PA system is Ortiz the Dog Boy.Still, it’s not like there’s that many buttons Desaad has to work with, so maybe thumbs aren’t really necessary for employment opportunities in Hell.(Damn, that’s an obscure Alex Winter movie reference and an obscure DC comics character reference in one page.I am on a roll!)
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How does anything get done in Hell?Satan goes through all the trouble of getting Hell’s Board of Trustees together, just so he can postpone the meeting until his soaps are over?“Yeah…yeah Stalin, I know you had to cancel your tanning appointment to make it, but dammit, I need my Lost fix.Did you get someone to cover your shift in the brimstone pits?Then what the fuck are you worried about?You can hold off until Deal or No Deal is done.I am Satan!So fuck you.”Seriously, is Lucifer so scatterbrained that he can’t remember when his shows are on?Programming a Tivo can’t be so hard that the Father of All Lies can’t set one up.
I’m not certain that I can believe Satan is so addicted to television that he had to get a demon to keep an eye on the TV Guide Channel and announce when his show is coming on.Apparently he even set up a little booth just for that purpose.I guess the buttons in the corner of the booth are just for amusement for whoever gets that job; they must light up and play a little tune.It seems like a sweet gig, especially considering that it’s in fucking Hell, but maybe it’s a little more complicated than I think.Like, is Hell in the Eastern Standard Time zone, or does it not rotate with the rest of Earth, so the time zone keeps changing?
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There may be points in other tracts where you think to yourself “Jack Chick has lost it.”But no.This is it.This is the exact point at which Jack Chick’s mind fucking snapped.The old sitcom Bewitched turned millions of people to the dark lord Satan by promoting witchcraft?Bewitched paved the way for occult programming MILLIONS of people watch today?Jack Chick, you crazy son of a bitch.You just went from normal extremist-religion crazy to full-on asylum patient skin-a-baby-and-wear-its-flesh-as-a-mask crazy.I swear, attempting to comprehend the message on this page shorts out the part of your brain that is able to decipher language and just throws you into a confused, violent rage like a frightened monkey.I think what I’m trying to say is that this page is so god damn crazy that you become partially insane just looking at it.
The closest Bewitched ever came to summoning the forces of Hell is when some movie producer made a deal with Lucifer to get that Will Ferrell movie remake filmed.And that so-called flood of occult programming Jack Chick thinks is out there began and ended with Charmed, which is on TNT, by the way, which means no one watches it.Sure, you could argue Buffy the Vampire Slayer is occult programming, but you have to keep in mind that it’s about slaying vampires, and if slaying vampires isn’t doing God’s work, then mother fuck, I don’t know what is.
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I think part of the reason Satan seems like such a pathetic ruler is because he’s filled all of the Board of Hell positions with those boxing nun puppets.
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Despite his piss-poor employee choices, Satan’s spared no expense in his presentation media.He’s got freaking holograms popping up to illustrate his Demon Board’s points.He kind of messed up on that first one, though, because the object that’s symbolizing “hallucinatory drugs” is a deck of cards.It’s not even a deck of tarot cards, either; that’s the fucking ace of spades.A deck of normal cards can make you hallucinate about as well as a bowl of Cheerios, and they can tell your future just about as well as a book of carpet samples.You’re going to have to trust me on that.
As for the drugs, well, you’d have to seriously fuck things up for people not to get addicted to them.They’d have the same chances of failing in their “Keep Television Popular” program as they do in their “Keep People Addicted to Drugs” program.Although I do have to wonder who Melty Face is talking about when he says that there’s no opposition to drugs, because I can’t watch 3 minutes of MTV without having some lame, government-funded ad tell me how pogo sticking can be my “anti-drug.”Melty Face is probably talking about how druggies aren’t opposing drugs, in which case I’m legally obligated to say “No duh.”Either this demon lucked into the cushy, do-nothing drug-pushing job or he’s the affirmative action retard hire that they have the give the easy assignments to so he doesn’t screw anything up.
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I’m not sure this graph is properly illustrating the druid’s point, because what it’s actually showing is the differences between the astrological signs.Apparently books for Sagittariuses are outselling books for Tauruses like none other.Something tells me that Jack Chick doesn’t understand that you are born with a sign and that you can’t just buy whichever one you damn well please.Maybe this graph is supposed to show Satan how many of his unholy followers are Leos and compared to Geminis.That’s all well and good, but I don’t know how Satan knowing which of us are Cancers and which of us are Pisceses is going to further his dark goals.
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And because Jack Chick just loves showing off what he knows about the world, he must mention how schools are starting to teach astrology.I haven’t attended public school in 4 years, so I may be wrong when I say “No they fucking aren’t,” but supposing that they were, I can pretty much guarantee you that teachers are going to save those lessons for the days they have hangovers and just don’t want to get into fractions.“Okay, today we’re going to do something different.I want you to…JIMMY, BE QUIET!...I want you to stand under the blackboard where your birthday is.Okay, okay.HEY, not so loud!Good.Now, you guys are Aquariuses.And you guys here are Gemini…and you guys…you know what?We’re done.Nap time until recess.”
According to Jack Chick and his imagineering of Satan’s graphs, the correlation between anarchy and homosexuality is staggering.Those lines on the graphs are at the very top, too, which means that right now there’s nothing in the world right now except anarchy, pornography, and homosexuality.I would disagree, since I’m a democracy-loving heterosexual male who currently owns several books without pictures of naked ladies in them, but god dammit, it’s on a graph.It’s got to be true.
By the way, why does Satan have a stick-figure chicken leg on his robe?
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Since Jack Chick is just overloading this tract with proof that he doesn’t know what the hell is going on in the world, I’ll save my rant about how far away we are from a one world government considering all of the strife and turmoil in and between countries for another day.Instead, I’ll go with this:I bet when this guy isn’t giving Satan reports about world governments, he freelances at costume stores every October by standing outside and waving at traffic.Not the best gig, but hey, he’s presumably dead.Why the fuck not?
Actually, I’m really starting to wonder if this really is a board meeting in Hell, and not just a recreation of a crappy Hell House skit a pastor put on after two hours of rehearsal.If so, that asshole could’ve done a lot better on his demons than sticking his Sunday School class in $3 K-Mart masks.These poor bastards couldn’t scare Scooby-Doo.
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“Dammit, Barry!How many times do I have to tell you that we don’t have time for your stupid grandmothers?We’re talking about full world domination here!We can’t drop everything we’re doing because some granny hasn’t had any soup for a while.Just because it looks like you fell out of a Van Gogh painting doesn’t mean you get to turn all of our resources over to your pet projects.These are global fucking issues we’re dealing with, Barry!One girl isn’t going to screw anything up for us, you shit-head!And what is it with you watching those grandmothers all the time, anyway?Jesus, what the hell is the matter with you?”
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Again, I have to point out how terribly unfocused these board meetings are.Not only does Satan postpone the meeting for a rerun, but during important discussions of world domination they switch gears rather abruptly and start talking about one girl and how to get her into Hell.Can she really be that important?Is she the new Jesus?Satan isn’t going to get anywhere if he fights over all the souls one at a time.Can’t they delegate this down to somebody in Souls Receivable?
At least Barry comes prepared with the proper presentation material; I guess you can’t turn a soul to evil unless you know exactly when it ran away from home.If you ask me, just because someone comes from a broken home doesn’t necessarily mean she’s evil.I also think the footnote about Ashley’s father is a bit much.Not only was he an alcoholic, but he’s an executive!OOOoooohh!It looks like being an executive is just as bad as or worse than being an alcoholic.I don’t know why Jack Chick hates executives so much, but between comparing them to alcoholics and having Satan be an executive, it seems that they’ve really gotten under his skin.I’m guessing there was a little friction between Jack and someone at Chick Publishing in the price of these tracts or something.Those executives.For them, it’s always about the bottom line, never about the salvation.
