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ChromeOxideBlack
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Name: MorphineBecca
Country: United States
State: Texas
Metro: Houston
Birthday: 10/6/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: I'm a pretty well rounded person. I love: Music, Photography, Concerts, Shiny things, Good times, Good books, Family, Little rugrats, Friends, Good food, Video Games, Shell necklaces, the Beach, Sleeping, Love, Guys and Girls, Hookah, Dancing, Watching tv, Movies of all kinds...so on so forth..haha
Expertise: I'm a pimp. Just ask my friends, they'll tell you all about it. I am an expert helping people. I'm an expert at loving people, putting my heart out there and getting it smashed, looking for love in all the wrong places, working at HEB(puke), having a good time, chilling with good people, loving my family and friends and my puppies, spending money on useless things, taking care of my friends, expert ATV driver(haha), expert listener....yadda yadda...
Occupation: Student
Industry: Medical
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  ChromeOxideBlack
MSN: morphine_becca@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  ChromeOxideBlack
Member Since:
5/30/2004
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| Sleeping alone.Last night I went to bed around the normal time for me, like around 1, after watching some stupid love movie that was on late.
I hate love movies when I'm not with someone...they give me nightmares.
So I fell asleep and I woke up around 4AM from a crazy dream, of course about Jacob and I, as I was waking up I heard myself call out his name and reach over... It made me sad... I know I haven't been with him, especially in bed in over 5 months, but for some reason I reached over to feel if he was there. When we were together I would spend the night at his apartment a lot. I got use to sleeping on my side of the bed and him being on the other and when I'd wake up during the night I'd be afraid because I wasn't use to the surroundings but I'd reach over and he'd be there and I'd feel safe again.
Safe again. I don't feel safe anymore. I haven't since he's been gone. I really felt protected with him like nothing could happen to me because I had my Superman Jacob to take care of me. haha...I'm such a loser.
Yesterday at work I was a door greeter, aka customer champion. I was at the center door doing my job and this guy comes to the register right in front of me. He could have been Jacob's twin. Swear. He looked exactly like Jacob, dressed like him, crazy hair, glasses, except he was skinnier and a little bit shorter... I had to do a double take just to make sure it wasn't him. But he smiled at me...made my heart melt a little bit.
I always thought it would be so sweet of my boyfriend to just randomly show up at my job and give me a hug and a kiss. Yeah, but no boyfriend has done it. Catch me off guard and make my day. - sigh -
LOL I find it so funny that all I do is talk about Jacob. Never bad... but I feel like even though we were only together for 4 months I spent forever with him. I want to spend forever with him...but yeah, you know the rest of the story.
So a lot of people I know are happily taken in great and wonderful relationships. I'm not. And I say it's hard for me to be friends with Jacob because of one thing. Being alone with him. When I'm alone with Jacob, it feels like we're together again. It feels like it always did...we wouldn't hold hands walking around we wouldn't get all lovey dovey in public, only when we were really alone. That was cool with me because I was never a big fan of P.D.A. But I get filled up with all these emotions and love and I just want to kiss him or hug him, but I doubt he would accept that from me or anything for that matter. Like the night we had together at his parent's house...it was so intense. It was rough like unleashing a pent up wild animal. It was one of those feelings like you know the passion is there but your question is...Was the love there? In this case...it wasn't. Just like a wild animal...wanted a piece of meat.
Omg, I want it to go away so bad. I want to fall off and be happy. But life isn't so simple is it? Why did something so good float away? It's not that I didn't have good enough grasp on it. It just went away...never to return.
Always, never fails. hahahaahahahahahahaahah....I'm crying again.
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| Back bone.So I finally got an explanation about why Jacob was so upset that night when I pulled out my knife at the party.
Jacob says, I was his back bone. He never got upset when I was around. I was the calming force in his life and I kept him in line. I was the one who was 'suppose' to be stable enough for the both of us. Which shouldn't be correct. Jacob said that he is unstable and doesn't have his life together and I was the one who made him better. He held me so highly and cherished me so much and when I pulled out that knife he felt like I let him down. And he could never look past it. Which still gets me to this day. I still don't understand why he looked into it so deeply. It doesn't make sense.
Thing is...no one is perfect. I should be allowed to have my moments of disarray. I shouldn't be the life force behind someone else. People need to be on their own two feet. And also, as sweet as what he really told me was...it wasn't right. It's not fair for someone to have to be perfect all the time and not break. It's really impossible for someone to be like that, if you ever meet someone like that please introduce me, maybe they could show me a thing or two.
Another thing was...I asked him why he can't love me anymore. Of course, he referred back to the whole back bone thing. But he still loves me and cares for me as a person. Which is all fine and dandy but I don't want him as a friend, I want more. So I said...if you loved me so much, and you could feel my love for you all around you and in your chest, why wouldn't you want that feeling back? I mean here I am offering it to you on a silver platter with no inhibitions, yet you deny it. I can understand that he can't overlook what had happened and nothing will change it because, yeah it happened in the past, but I just don't see why we couldn't be happy together. He said he really wanted it back...really. But he kinda gave me a run around and not a straight answer. Then I said, you just don't want it from me. And yeah he didn't really answer me.
It's just really shitty that there isn't anything I will ever be able to do to make Jacob fall in love with me again, to put those feelings for me back in his heart.
So when I hung out with him on Friday, before I left he wanted a hug. So I got out of the truck and hugged him...the first time, I pushed him away because I could feel my emotions exploding in me and it just came out and I cried so hard. I told him not to touch me. So I sat and cried for a minute and then gave him a hug again... How to explain it. I was bawling my eyes out against his chest.. It's like you're so use to a certain way of accepting a feeling and when it's not there...it's so different. I was an emotional wreck. It's just so painful, I can't even explain it to you. I'm tearing up right now just thinking about it. I couldn't even look him in the eye when he was talking to me. "I get lost in your eyes and I can't help but feel like I'll never find love there again" Lyric that applies to me.
Really no one knows the extent of what I feel for Jacob. It's something that you can't explain, it has to be seen and felt. As much as I hate it, I'm trying to be his friend. I really am. But it's so hard to just be friends with someone you love. Because you'll always want more. He says that he still loves me, but as a person. Not a lover, not a girlfriend. Just a friend. And that's nice but it hurts. That someone who loved you so much before can only be superficial with you now.
I'm always trying to find something to say...something that will make him click and be like, Oh man, what am I doing letting this girl go? She really loves me. Wow... But nothing I say, will ever make him feel that way. He says that once his mind is made it's not stuck that way, I want to believe it but I can't. Because as it has happened time and time again...Jacob is still stuck on not being with me. I can even tell him I love him, and it doesn't mean anything. And he can say he still loves me...but it doesn't mean what it did.
I feel imprisoned inside my own mind. I feel regret and remorse. I struggle everyday with the feeling of failure. Because like I told him...had I known how he really felt about me I wouldn't have acted out the way I did. But it's something that he would have never told me and made me aware of. It's kinda one of those things that you keep to yourself because you don't really need to tell the other person. I feel like I failed because I lost both ways...the way I acted that night for my friend was me protecting her from an asshole, and we're not even friends anymore, and my boyfriend dumped me because he felt let down because I was protecting a friend. I feel imprisoned because I'm stuck with all the thoughts of what I did wrong and I'm always thinking about how things could have been different.
But what for?
If I were ever to write a letter to Jacob this is kinda how it would go.
Dear Jacob,
I honestly feel like you are Mr. Right for me. Even though you don't feel the same way anymore, I can't kick the feeling of all the love I have for you in my heart. Everyday I'm reminded of you and it doesn't go away. I think we could still be happy together if you really gave our relationship a real chance and let both of us try working it out. I still see us having a future and growing old together. It is so sad that I can still see that after everything we've been through. I'm fighting for a dead cause and I know it, but maybe one day you will understand how much I really love you and what I was willing to give to be happy with you once again. It's funny that you say you want to feel that love again, but you didn't even have to answer the rest of it without me knowing that I'm not the one you want to experience it again with. And it hurts so much. I love you with every inch of my being, my entire heart and soul. But regardless of how much I love you, it doesn't really matter anyway. It doesn't change the fact that we're further apart than we ever were. I wish you could see it differently and where I'm coming from but it won't happen. I'm trying my hardest to make our friendship work, but it's hard when you love someone. You know I'll always want more than what you're willing to give me. I keep thinking that maybe if I continue to stay friends with you that maybe those feelings will come back and you'll want me all over again. But I also keep thinking that that is way too optimistic of me. I wish things could be different but they never will be. I appreciate that you still love and care for me as a person, but it's not going to help me to be honest with you. I still have way too much love in my heart that is getting restricted by no one being there for me. I still love you, no matter what. You floated away...
Yours always and never -
Becca
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| -sigh-I'm alright.
For the most part. I backed off of Jacob because I could tell it was wearing on him...He doesn't love me or want me anymore so it's not worth fighting so hard for. It's just back to picking up the pieces of me that have fallen apart over these 5 months. Same thing I've been doing for so long.
Every time he's back I fall apart and then have to put myself back together. I think it's so funny that one person could have such a big effect on me. But I guess that's how it is when you really love someone.
I feel like it's fading away now. It's fading but it won't die. A good friend of mine told me that it should be put on the back burner...but it's not so simple.
I haven't talked to Jacob in like 2 days. I've been pretty occupied I guess...not really. I don't feel anything anymore. I feel numb. I feel like I'm mad at the world...but the world hasn't done anything to me. It's the people in it that wear on me.
I don't believe I'm depressed. I'm not even upset...I'm just kind of down. When so many people tell you how awesome you are and how much of a good person you are...why is it that I'm alone? I know you can't always get what you want but I don't like the way I feel. I have so much love to give and share...but no one there to accept it.
Someone needs to save me from myself.
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| AH HA HA HA...HAHSo I feel like I did like 6 years ago when I use to blog all the time during my summer breaks because I had nothing better or more productive to do. hahaha...
Anyway...don't you just love waking up to unpleasant text messages? I DO! Well, not really. But yeah I woke up this morning to an unpleasant text message from Jacob. So I bet you can guess who I was arguing all morning with until right around noon when I started getting ready for work. UGH...really.
So nothing out of the ordinary, just the two of us arguing about pointless bullshit that never helps anything get better. So I only talk to him when he talks to me because I know for damn sure he is upset. HAHAHAHAH...hah.. SO yeah, it's never going to happen again.
This is something though. He asked me what did he do that was so good? Well, here's my thoughts on that. Jacob and I had a decent relationship, it wasn't the best it had ups and downs like any normal relationship. Sometimes we'd argue but we'd always be ok. I do have to admit...I did get upset way more than Jacob ever did. And I give him props for that because he really never let anything get under his skin. PROPS JACOB. Really. So there was this unconditional love thing going on that I have never experienced with anyone, ever. I mean I could do some really stupid shit and say some really stupid shit, and Jacob would still love me no matter what. But it's funny that one small slip up, that other people laughed at, could causes a catastrophic ending to the best relationship I've ever had. I mean who would really want to give up on an unconditional love? That's the worst possible thing to let go of. That's kind of why it hurts so much.
It always hurts to loose someone you loved and cared for. But this was the WORST. I mean it. I wish I could turn back time and start this over again. Things would have been different.
Something else...Why do I fight for a dead cause? Why do I fight for someone who doesn't even want me? Why? It doesn't make any sense.... But in my heart, I feel it. There is something I'm fighting for...I just haven't figured it out. I mean yeah, I've backed off and I'm letting him have his space because I know he's upset with me....but there is something that won't let me back down. I wish I knew what it was so I can be the judge of whether it's really worth fighting for.
I want someone to find me. I want you to find me. I need you to find me and save me from this horrible heartache I'm dealing with. I have come to realize that I'm never good by myself and I don't want to be good with myself when I'm alone. I've always had someone around whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend or even just a friend. Someone to keep me company. LOL It's funny because I can't really remember a time when I was single for more than 8 months. It's not even a love thing, it's just I hate being alone. I am afraid of it, to be quite honest. When I'm actually with someone...I want to better myself. Like when I was with Jacob, I was working out...I hardly drank sodas....I was happy. But when I'm alone I have no drive. I try...but I end up back on my ass. It's not that I'm really depressed it's more I need someone there to feel good for. I know it sounds crazy but I've really noticed it. People say...you need to be good with yourself to be good for someone else. I don't really believe that applies to me.
So.
What I would give...to behold the smile...the face of love. | | |
| I'm going to change the world, but I can't change him.So yeah, of course it would happen to me. Jacob flaked out on me yesterday night and I got really upset. I wasn't even upset that I couldn't see him, it was just the way he ALWAYS handles his situations. I don't know why he does things the way he does. So he makes plans with me like Tuesday to go out Saturday. Ok cool...So I tell everyone don't bother me Saturday night I'm going out with Jacob. So Saturday comes...and I'm working. I get a text around 3:30, I think, from Jacob talking about hey, I got really busy but I'm going to try to make it. I'm like that's really gay, why? Because I know Jacob well enough to know that if he's saying something like that that he's not going to make it and he's doing something else. But stupid me I'm like ok, just let me know...of course, I'm slightly upset already. So I get off work early, like 15 minutes and I actually wait around at work and I take a break outside with Johnathan, Priscilla, and Taci. So I leave....still no word from Jacob, go get my nails done. By the time I left the nail shop it was 8, the time Jacob was SUPPOSE to be taking me out. So I wait...and wait...and wait...SO around nine I text him telling him that my parents would be home soon and I know how he's afraid of my parents so I was just warning him...so he's like we'll I'm still running errands...at nine at night. I fully believe that....NOT. So I wait...and wait...and then around 10 again...I'm like So are we doing this or not? SO he cuts me off and is like can you just give me a minute? I'm pissed...I wasn't going to say anything but I was so angry...
It's not even that I couldn't see him...it's that he lied to me. If he would have just said look I'm at a graduation party I'm not going to make it, yeah I would have been upset but I would have rather him told me straight up than to beat around the bush and LIE to me telling me he's running errands and giving me a run around that he MIGHT still make it. I would have been upset too because he made me well aware of these fucking plans since the beginning of the week....yet I'm pretty sure he knew about this graduation party well in advance.
So I felt like that was the last straw....I feel like I'm not anything to him, because I know all of my friends would say something to me out of consideration if they were going to cancel plans that we had. But anyway....SO I told him that I was done, he thought that it would never end with me and I feel like I'm nothing to him. He got upset with me on the phone and we were arguing back and forth for a while.
And more importantly, this is the other reason why Jacob has no feelings for me....Back in December when Althea and I were still cool friends she had a party...I had invited Jacob to come over because I wanted to spend the night with him. So everyone is drinking and Althea tells us about how Ron was beating on her a few days before. I was angry...so of course I am willing to defend my friend because of course, I love her. So I go digging through my purse and I pull out my knife...and in a semi-joking/and not serious way...say I'm going to kill him, I hate him...blah blah blah...so everyone is laughing except Jacob. So he says that that's the real reason that he broke up with me because he couldn't look past me pulling out knife. So yeah I'm the one in the wrong because I was standing up for my friend who was in a bad situation, and I'm the one who suffers because I care about my friend. I believe that if he really loved me that he could look past anything stupid I've ever done. I mean isn't that what love is, looking past the imperfections and stupid actions of another and making love work?
I don't know why I even do this to myself...like really. What am I going to do? Jacob doesn't love me. He doesn't want me around. He can't even follow through with the plans he makes with me. And he still doesn't believe a goddamn word I say. He think that I think we're still dating. I don't feel any kind of love from him so how can we be dating? He doesn't need me. Which makes me wonder...we're we really caught up in the moment that night? Or did he just need a fuck? Or how about the night I was high and he came over and we went back to his apartment and 'talked' on the couch?
I don't understand Jacob...and I don't really wish to anymore. Because he's way too complicated. I really believed that he wanted to be with me, yet every time we have tried to get back together it's always the same. Something always manages to come up. He's right, it wouldn't work because he won't let it work, he won't look past what happened that night. He won't give me a chance. I was willing to make it work. But it can't be all up to me...I can't control Jacob, I never wanted to.
I don't think I've ever been so heartbroken...I mean I still truly love Jacob and I'd give anything to be with him again. But one mistake and my world came crashing to an end...I was so happy. I was truly happier than I had ever been in a relationship. Sure our relationship had some faulty points but we made it work.
Letting go is the hardest thing to do when I'm still in love with you.
All I want is to be happy. And I was happy with him. But he doesn't love me...and I can't do anything about it.
I can't ask him to be with me either...Why? Because I know he would be unhappy and dwell on every imperfection and just leave me once again. It's like a loose loose situation for me.
The thing that gets to me the most is...I'm ready for someone to be with for the rest of my life. And I wanted it to be Jacob. And that night that my friends spilled that Jacob wanted to marry me was the greatest night of my life. I felt loved...I felt like I really belonged, that someone really truly loved me and didn't want to loose me, I was overwhelmed with emotion and I cried, tears of joy. I had never felt so happy. And when he left me it was the worst day of my life. How could someone with so much love for me just throw me out like that? How can it be that if this person loved me so much that he wanted to marry me, just lost his feeling for me over night? But it wasn't overnight, now I know. It was a fermented situation that brought this up. I've never had so much love for another person, I've never cared so much for another person.. I never felt the way I did with him, with anyone else.
But I can't do anything. He doesn't love me and he never will again.
The end.
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