Is it normal to cry three times in 24 hours? The kind of crying that hurts your stomach, makes you lose your breath, and curl up in a ball because you just feel like a little girl, with the world out of control?

Because that's what I've been up to. Depression is horrible, and sometimes when others don't understand how deeply you hurt, it's hard to express those emotions. I'm trying. Right now I just need a break, a diversion, a little bit of hope that the things I dream about having, the simplest dreams...that they will be real someday.

Things are hitting me hard lately. Sometimes they have to sink in to really hurt. And damn it, when they hurt, they really punch you in the gut.

Remember when you were a kid and pretty much all you did was go outside and make friends with whoever happened to live in your neighborhood? Some of my best friends from childhood were neighbors. My mom didn't think twice about where I was, as long as I told her I was at the White's house or the Holllinger's place. Heck, she even let me hang out with Tony and Angela, and they were the kids who set fire to their front porch!

So, today Mac was in the backyard (fenced in) and talking to the kids in the neighborhood. At first they were nice to him, and he ran in joyously, telling me how he wanted to show them some of his toys and they were going to be his best friends and it was the most wonderful of days. He was happy and I felt a little gleeful that he was so enraptured with other kids.

After a while, though, he walked slowly back through the yard and I could tell something was wrong. He came up to me and said, "They were making fun of me!" and started to cry and get angry at the same time. I felt SO bad! How easily you remember the good things about being a kid in the neighborhood and how easily you forget those times when you wanted to punch the Hollinger kid for being mean. I guess life doesn't change, we just forget the bad parts when we paint a picture of ideal kid world.

This is twice in a week Mac has had "bullies" in his life, either at the playground or in the neighborhood. Part of me sits back and watches what he will do, how he will adjust to this situation. The other part of me wants to pull the bully off the slide and kick him good. I have mastered the "Watch it buddy!" glare for the playground, so mostly bigger kids don't mess with my son.

So...that is today's ramble. My son makes friends and frenemies...if only I understood the boy world better. Being a girl in the midst of all boys is so mind boggling sometimes. Two brothers and a son...no girls in sight. Sigh.

*Courtesy a blog I read today by Beth.

1. If left alone, I have the ability to sleep (or rather hibernate) for long, long periods of time. Like 24 hours straight.

2. I wanted to be an intern under the Clinton Administration. Damn Monica Lewinsky and her wily self!

3. I have never wanted a pony. In fact, I am deathly afraid of them. Ironically, one of my favorite toys growing up was My Little Pony. I surmise that if all ponies had pink hair and rainbows on their butts I would be a little less fearful.

4. I secretly think I am perfect just the way I am.

5. I have large red Elmo slippers, a gift from a former coworker. They are rad.

6. In second grade, during a Reading Is Fundamental drive (books given away free to kids at school), instead of the 30 page picture books, I chose a 400+ page tiny print book, "Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh". I read it in less than a week. My teacher didn't know what to do with me.

7. I have had active IBS my whole life. Nothing like being 7 years old and not knowing why your stomach hurts, while no one believes you because you don't have a temperature.

8. I once accidentally rubbed IcyHot in my eyes. Muscle ache reliever in your optical realm is a sure way to blindness and incredible taunting from your brothers.

9. Both my mother and grandmother have claimed to have seen aliens. I claim to be adopted.

10. I used to watch The Patty Duke Show religiously growing up. I couldn't decide if I wanted to be Patty or Cathy. I still can't decide.

11. My oldest brother was the better ballet dancer of the family. It shames me as the only daughter to know this. Then again, he COULD dance.

12. I used to go through buckets of pennies and sort them by decade growing up. This was considered "fun" to me. I now see that it actually should be considered part of my OCD.

13. I taught myself Latin and Physics at home because I couldn't take the classes at school. I also deconstructed Chaucer during summer break before my senior year. This was considered fun for me.

14. I am a very, very tightly wound person. I need lots of relaxing down time because I use up my energy in such short spurts.

15. When the mood strikes me, I can be very, very spontaneous. Like, cross-country spontaneous. I like mini-adventures, they make my life memorable.