Six Months And Two Haircuts Later
To be honest, I didnt like CERN when I first set foot on it.
I still remember my first day vividly. I was in one of the world’s largest and oldest scientific research centre, walking down a narrow corridor. On the wall there were pictures and diagrams of the history of our universe and how it was formed. It was scary and overwhelming. On my left and right there were small rooms, dimly lit, with the sound of computer working in the background and people (who looked like they jumped out of a sci-fi novel, ya know, the Einstein type) staring at the screen like the secret of mankind is hidden right behind that luminous piece of electronics.
I remember thinking to myself, “Crap, this is so not what I imagined it to be.”
Gloomy. That was the word that came to my mind when I walked down that corridor. I still didnt know if my decision to come here was right. I dindt know if all the dramas I went through in order to get myself here was worth it afterall. And then I told myself no matter how bad this will turn out to be, it will only be six months and then I will be gone. CERN will be history and just another chapter in my life.
How wrong was I.
I got to know a 200cm guy from Hungary and two polish guys on my first day who are now one of my best friends here. And then our circle grew bigger, and bigger and bigger. We even have a t-shirt designed for ourselves. Trust me, I know this is way.too.cliche to be happening at this age. But hey, it was fun and… actually we dont need any more reason other than fun. I later found out that this applies to most of the things here.
Our T-Shirt. “Its Good To Be Bad”. The tagline comes from me.
And I also got to know a german girl on my first day who was really sweet. I remember holding her bag for her on the first day when she had to run back to another building because she forgot something. And I remember she told me about her geeky physicist boyfriend back in germany. We see eachother a few times after the first day, but somewhere along the road, we went our separate ways.
The boys
The above two paragraph actually sums up how human relationships go, here at CERN. People come, you click, you stay together, share secrets, develop a bond. Or the opposite happens, People come, you exchange names and pleasantries, you dont click and you lose touch. These things happen so fast and in a frequency so high that sometimes I feel like I am in a big big circus, fascinated and enchanted, but at the same time a bit lost and insecure. I am still trying to get use to this. I have had like 20 farewell parties in the span of six months and trust me when I say I really dont like good-byes and I suck at it.
The girls
And then there is my boss.
I was in the department secretary office on my first day doing all the formalities. When we finished she offered to call my boss to ask him to pick me up as our building was kinda far. I remember her giggling like a school girl while on the phone and when she put down the phone, she winked at me and said, “You will like him. He is an awesome guy.” I was a bit puzzled by her blushing, but stayed interested.
Marco (yup, thats my boss and he is italian) entered the office a few minutes later and right there and then I understood the giggles, the winking and the blushing. He was mighty good looking and unsettlingly charming.
Which I later found out are his only strengths. Well not entirely true, of course. But that is another story for another day. It suffices to say that he is involuntarily cocky and very, very cheeky. “You have a boyfriend in Germany? He is from malaysia?! Come one! You are not a real woman until you have tried italian man!”. He said this in front of everybody during one of our BBQ, not in a flirtatious way of course, he is married with two kids. But you can see what I mean by he is cocky. Heh. No matter what, I am still grateful towards him for a lot of things.
I also didnt like CERN in the beginning because all the people in my section speak french. And it was really difficult for me during coffee sessions or meeting because I will be feeling totally out of place, not understanding a word but trying to appear composed and polite. I gradually mastered the “I dont mind at all that I dont understand a fuck you guys are talking about” expression, just because I wanted to avoid the pitying glances and understanding nods. Seriously, I hated that. But it got better after two months of french lesson and a bunch of very very eager to teach colleagues. And I am determined to master this language.
Alex. He gave me a blank notebook and a note telling me to “find my creativity” as my farewell gifts
I guess I was also very lucky that there are a lot of young people in my section. It made the “warming up to people” stage a lot easier for me. In the beginning I had my mind set on being “just colleagues and not friends” with the people I work with, despite them being the same age as me and we get a long really well. Because I thought that was the right thing to do and also because that was how things were in Germany. But after a few months I got to know these people better, I realised how hard it is to be just colleagues with them. I realised how narrow minded I was and how there is really no point in trying to hold people at arms length when clearly, we are having so much fun as friends and I cant deny the potential impact these people will have on me once I let my guard down.
Everything that I have gotten used to in Germany, every mindset, every rule, every societal ethics, everything was turned upside down here. I know it is childish and perhaps a bit unfair or premature to say this, but this is fucking awesome. Somewhere deep down in my heart I have always known that Germany is not the place for me. Yes I could try to love the place and the people, I could learn to appreciate the efficiency and the tidiness, I could even blend in and be one of them. Heck I have done that and I am even proud to say that after four years I have fitted in pretty well. But somewhere along the way I have distorted my original self. I have lost the real me, I know good things never come easy and hardship is part of the challenge anyway. But when your gut feeling tells you it is not right, it probably is.
Daniel left this on my desk after we had a heart-to-heart talk about how he undermines his own strength. My most favourite post-it ever.
Makes me smile everytime i see it
But it is totally different here. I dont know how to put it into words but I guess the best way to say it is, I feel at ease. I feel like I am allowed to be myself and nothing is holding me back. Opportunities are abundant. You just have to look for it and be brave enough to do it. There are activities lining up 24/7. Sailing, skiing, music, jazz, salsa, chess, concerts, book clubs etc. They sell beer and champagne in the canteen. I stand in line in the post office in the main building and I hear 10 different languages spoken around me. I could walk into a building not knowing what to expect and suddenly be greeted with a grand piano. People wear khakis and flip flops in summer. Guys play computer games at work. This place is like heaven for scientist as Google is heaven for geeks. Some guy does yoga and stands on his head right in the middle of the field in full view of everyone having lunch. I could get in to work anytime I want and leave anytime I want. When the weather is great we drive to the swimming pool and play ping pong during lunch break. The Jura mountain is the backdrop of our workplace. There are trees, flowers and even sheeps everywhere. The dessert in the restaurant is awesome. They sell chocolates and coffee in every vending machine. Treasure hunt on a hot summer evening. A guy ran naked wearing only his hat during the annual cern marathon and everybody cheers for him. I know more about the countries in the world and its people and culture in this six months than I have in the past 25 years of my life.
This is a place where people ask “Why not?” instead of “Why?”. I have always have this reprimanding and passive aggressive mentality of asking “why?” when a challenge or change is presented to me. It suffocates creativity and suppresses individuality. It is the reflexive defensive inquisitivity that I have been trained to have, for the way I was brought up and educated – to respect rules and not challenge authority. A friend will suggest cheese and nutella for dinner and with furrowed brows I will ask, “Why?!” and he will say “Why not?”. Most of the time, I cant find a good reason to refute that and we will go ahead and experiment. And this does not only apply to dessert.
I left my desk to wait for my program to run and came back to find this pasted on my screen. lol
I think now I know what is the biggest most important thing I like about this place – Freedom. I am rebellious by nature and tamed by nurture. Although it might sound pretentious and hypocritical for me to say this, but I think as much as I disliked the rigidity of Germany, I am still glad that I have lived there for four years and immersed in their culture. I was forced and learned to be organized, to be goal oriented, to be ruthless (sometimes we need this), to be aggressive and most of all, to recognize my boundaries. These are priceless things that Germany has given me and now, I feel that I am ready and more equipped to face this different world. I feel like I can finally spread my wings a little now. And it is a magical feeling.
The place where I live
So you can imagine how ecstatic I am when I knew that I got a job at cern.
Yes the job I was talking about in my previous post. I got it. I got my dream job as a fellow under the Marie Curie program. The list of incredible things I will be experiencing under this 3 year fellowship program is just too good to be true. There will be a lot of traveling opportunities for me and the money is good. For the first time since I left home for Europe, I am looking forward to something.
I was on the phone when I received the good news about my job and Daniel wrote this to me
I want to write this all down not because I wanted to let you know how great cern is, but because these things and feelings that I have gone through and am still going through now are precious to me. One day, I will read back at this post and either laugh at how naive and silly I am, or I will look back at these days of my life with a twinkle in my eyes and a smile on my lips, knowing that I have once had these wondrous memories, this amazing experience, this wonderful hopefullness and zest. And perhaps then, this chapter can truly be closed.
Recent Comments