ColdHeartedReality's Xanga

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

Tue, 02 May 2006 04:56:21 GMT

I watched Forrest Gump Sunday night. Aha, I hadn't seen it for years. I was dying!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 00:39:05 GMT

Kottonmouth Kings are coming back around in July & TJ & myself are definitely going to try to be there. I'm even paying for both tickets. I don't even care. I'm so excited. It was so insane, I absolutely have to experience it again. I'm already buggin' out. I'm elated. I really am.

Aha, but uh.. I woke up at 1 yesterday morning & I typed up this really long entry of this weeks events thus far, but I ended up deciding I didn't really want anyone reading it. I posted it under protected & I've been too lazy to add people to my viewing list. I half-heartidly apologize.

So, uh, she told him that I was pissed at him for forgetting Monday evening & she bitched at him for it. Well, she didn't really bitch at him, but she asked him about it. I didn't ask her to. I wasn't that upset about it. Not even on Tuesday. I just wanted to see him.I finally saw him before 7/8 today & I was soooo happy. I got quite a few kisses. It was pretty sweet. I was in such a great mood from then on. He's adorable.

Everyone & their mother knows. I was trying to keep it quiet so I wouldn't get a bunch of nosy bastards & their stupid repetitive questions, but it spread like wild fire among the 711 crew. Some people were pretty damn shocked. I guess it was really sudden.. I just really don't want to start any drama b/c I can think of a few people that would have a problem with it. But it's w/e. I got a whole bunch of Oh my God that's so cute! But I'm just kind of holding my breath.

Ah, anyway. Work was...work? I finally spoke to John about that one thing. Ashley spoke to him first & he kind of brushed her off about it, but he saw the look I gave him & for some reason that made him listen to me. I told him not to say anything to the person in question b/c I'm not trying to start anything or make things awkward for anyone. I just told him that if he notices anything to adress it at that time. I could be crazy & that could be just some weird thing he does, so I'm just asking John to watch him & observe the situation..I don't want to start something out of nothing. I mean, this is a fairly serious accusation. & John isn't exactly sure of how to handle it. But, nonetheless, I can't go on feeling uncomfortable when he's around me. I don't hate him, I just don't like the way he looks at me.. John said that if anything happens to call him right away. He told me Ashley has his number & I should get ahold of him if I want to discuss anything. My talk with John & my talk with Kim kind of settled my nerves, but I'm still weary of that guy.

I did GM though & I did it well. I pay so much attention to detail, the shelves look almost perfectly stocked when I'm finished with them. GM is my shit.

I'm pretty exhausted. I'm going to retire for the night.

De lunes a viernes tienes mi amor

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 03:32:21 GMT

I had the most terrifying dream that I've ever recorded in my memory. It was so terrifying that I have to share it.

The first part of my dream started off with me walking down a long road with a few silent faces, all males. I couldn't recognize them because I couldn't really see their faces due to a dense fog and the darkness that surrounded it, but I sensed that they were good friends of mine. And althought they were silent, I could see them laughing in my head. I was recalling fond memories I had with them.

Here's the only good part: I was walking down this wet dreary road when Frank Sinatra and Clark Gable suddenly appeared behind me. I didn't know why they were there, but I was too excited to question it. I smiled and ran up to Mr. Gable and said, "Hey, Clark!," like we were good pals. He simply gave me a gorgeous shy smile and then kept walking. His walk was a heavy, fast pace, like he was trying to get away from something, He was wearing a trench coat and his hair was disheveled. I got the feeling that he was uneasy or nervous. I turned around to Mr. Sinatra and I waved back at him, and said, "Hey, Frank! Nice seeing you!" like we had been good friends for quite some time. He was walking with his head down and hands in the pockets of his coat.He looked up and flashed me a quick smile and then quickly lowered his head again. His appearance was much neater than Clark's and his mood seemed somber. He even had a hat on..I felt as though I was being escorted somewhere, but I couldn't see anything ahead of me.

Then my dream flashed over to Amelia's. I don't know why or how I ended up there, but I was at one of the windows looking at the cars in some strange parking lot. I didn't recognize the place but it kind of looked like the funeral home that my aunt's viewing was held at. The outside of it anyway, though it wasn't a main entrance, just a side door. And it was now my viewing, not her's. In my dream I think I thought it was my actual funeral, but it must have been the viewing because it was much later on in the evening. It wasn't completely dark yet, but the clouds hung low and rain was on its way.

I don't know when exactly I figured out that I was dead, but I know by this point that I had had a flashback of a car colliding into the passengers side of the car I was driving. And I knew the person in the other car. It was someone I worked with. I called my faceless friends over to the window to see all of the cars in the parking lot. I was amazed at how many people had come out to pay their respects to me and I was deeply touched.I was even pretty excited about it. It hadn't really hit me yet, I suppose. I scanned the lot to see if I could recognize any of the cars, but I only recognized a few. I looked for the car that killed me but I didn't see it. That upset me.

Night fell and just before everyone starting streaming out of the funeral home it started to pour. Heavy drops of rain fell on the heads of my loved ones as each made a mad dash for their cars. I searched for my parents, but didn't spot them. I figured they'd be the last to leave anyway. It was only right. At this point in my dream, I started getting upset. I didn't want anyone to leave. I wanted them to mourn for me longer. I felt disrespected. But I also started to feel alone and left behind. I looked behind me and my friends were gone. I knew that the people leaving the funeral home were going to go on with there lives and my young body laid lifeless in that building. I started to feel the pain that my parents felt, having to bury their child. Their first born. I felt as though they thought they had failed me when I had actually failed them.

The last people I saw leave were my aunt Rhonda and my uncle Ed with my cousin Danielle between them. My cousin was wearing what looked like a white easter dress> I wasn't offended by her wearing white to my viewing. I thought she looked adorable. For some reason she looked like she was still 5 years old, although she's 13 or 14 now. Probably because I haven't really seen her for years, so that's one of the last familiar images I have of her.

Finally, I saw my parents come out. Next thing I knew I was in the backseat of their car and we were driving through some unfamiliar town. I looked at myself in the review mirror and I smiled just to make sure it was me that I was seeing. A small glimmer of hope came over me because I reasoned that if I was truly dead I wouldn't have a reflection. I was Bela Lugosi as Dracula. I was simply playing dead. I checked a few more times, and my reflection remained. I broke the silence and asked my mom what happened to me and she replied as if I was still alive. But I was reading her mind more than I was actually speaking to her, although she was facing me. She seemed too cool and calm. It didn't fit the mood. I've never really seen my mom upset, so I suppose I just couldn't picture it. I mean, I hope she'd show some emotion over losing me, but I guess you never know. My dad may or may not have been aware of my presence, I don't remember him speaking in my dream.

My mom explained that I had been driving up my street towards New when a car came out at me from my right. She said they were speading, but I could only remember it coming towards me in a slow motion. They hit me pretty hard. I probably should have died on impact, but I held out until I arrived at the hospital where I was pronounced dead at 6:30 on that April evening.

She said when she ran up the street to my car blood was pouring out from the cracks into street below. Blood was splattered on the driver's side window. My car was nearly split in half, and my body was mangled. My face hardly recognizable. While she described the scene to me, a feeling of complete dispair slowly crept over me and my heart sank. My thoughts were jumbled and I couldn't grab at them quick enough for them them make sense if they came out of my mouth.All that came out was No, and that came out in a dull whisper. Then the feeling intensified, and I started to scream it over and over again. Tears flooded out of my eyes. I started thinking of all the things I've left unsaid, and all the people I treated poorly, all the people that would never know how much I appreciated them and how grateful I was to have had them in my life.I thought about everything I haven't done, all the things I could no longer accomplish. I started wishing I had let my parents know how much I loved them more often.They were right in front of me, but the words wouldn't come out, and even if they could, it would be too late. I wasn't really there. I was dead, and I couldn't fix that. And I couldn't redeem my sins. My life was a waste. Dispair turned into anguish.

I started slipping out of my dream state back into reality. Just before completely waking up I braced myself. I was thinking I was going to wake up and that I was going to be dead. My dream felt so real, when I was completely awake my eyes were still closed. I just laid there and I wouldn't let myself get up. I wanted to sleep to get away from reality. When I finally found the courage to pick myself up, I looked at my alarm. It read 12:30. I looked over at my wall and I saw my shadow crouched down on my bed. I looked as though I was about to pounce on something. I thought to myself that if I still had a shadow I couldn't be dead, but I recalled from my dream that I had a reflection and then my heart sank once more. I looked at my phone and I saw two missed calls from Brian and that brought me back. I was no longer upset over my dream. I was upset that I missed his calls and it was too late to call back. I checked my voicemail and I heard his voice. I played it two more times just to hear it again and I wished that I could go over to his house and crawl into bed with him. I wanted to feel protected. I wanted him to save me.

But that was my dream. My terrifying dream.

I hold my head high and crack a few beers

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 17:33:58 GMT

Oh my God. This spring break has been the craziest spring break of my damn life. I will never ever ever forget it. Especially this weekend. I can't say what happened but it was fun. I was with Brian all week. He's so damn adorable. He's perfect.

free pizza
fire
accidents that leave you 45 minutes away from home at 6 am
getaway cars
chicken coupes
smores at 2am
40s & smirnoff ice
huge blunts
driving around at 2 or 3 am
shrooms
walking between the high school in Rofo to the Wawa in SC 5 times a day
calling off work on a holiday weekend
your boss knowing why you called off
chain smoking
fishing trips
Staying up for 48 hours
street races in philly with someone you just met
coming home at 1 am every night
sleeping over strangers houses

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 13:47:08 GMT

Brian called me yesterday & I met up with him Mike & Damien. We chilled at Mike's & watched saw II. I left around 3 to go to work. They walked me home & I got ready. On my way there Rusty, Brian, Mike & Damien were driving by in Rusty's dad's van & they gave me a ride.

Work was chill as shit. I got pulled off register at 7 b/c Mike & Fred were there. I did chores, which really wasn't all that damn bad. I fronted dairy & washed windows.

After I was done work Brian called me. He promised me pizza earlier b/c he works at Dominos & can get it for free.. They picked that up & came over my place around 10. We went up to the Spring City pool & chilled on the benches. Mike was in a bad mood so he left at like 11. Rusty, Brian & I hiked up to Rusty's house in Rofo. We stopped at Victory along the way.It was nice to walk down Main & Lewis without any cars or people.

When we arrived at Rusty's I couldn't even see a house. The moon was lit but there were just trees & a barn. It looks like it's in the middle of nowhere, but in the daylight you can see houses across the way & there's of course 422.It's on school property too. They're renting it b/c his dad works for the school. It's so old, it's lovely. They fixed it up really well though.

We sat in Rusty's room for bit then tired of that, so we went outside to his old run down chicken coop & started a fire. It was a nice one. Embers were flying everywhere. It was so nice outside & there's no one around.All we could hear were the cars & all we could see was grass & trees. It was so chill with the full moon. He had this creepy old barn back there that the school uses to store their old desks & things of that nature.

Brian & I convinced Rusty to steal his dad's van & take us for a drive. He was all freaking out b/c he thought his dad would hear us, but his lives next to a highway. He wouldn't hear a damn thing. Nothing out of the ordinary anyway.We got it out no problem. We just kept the lights off & we creeped. Once Rusty was on the road he drove like a damn idiot, but it was fun. Brian drove for a litte too. They offered to let me drive but that van was tank. I wasn't trying to get us caught.

We came back around 3 & chilled outside in the coop for a little b/c our fire was still smoldering. We chilled on the roof of the coop for a while & went in sometime around 4:30. Brian passed out around 5 & Rusty & I stayed up shooting the shit. Rusty put some Adam Sandler jawn in & we watched it through the static on his telivision set. It cleared up after a while though. Rusty & I showered around 8 & he made us french toast.

We left his house around 12 & I went home b/c I was feeling grimy b/c I was still wearing the same clothes as the day before & they both showered & changed.

I still haven't gotten any sleep & I'm cool. I took an addie so that may be why I was so awake. I have another one for work, so I'm good to go. I'm not wide awake but I'm not the least bit tired. I'm in a gray area.

Brian's gonna call me later. He, Rusty, me & some chick are going to the movies Friday.

Wow, I've only chilled with them for 2 days & I feel like I've known them for years. Probably b/c they're like all the other guys I chill with. Brian's so damn nice though. just wow..When he smiles at my I swear my heart melts...

Don't argue with a fool. The spectators can't tell the difference.

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 01:45:36 GMT

I got pretty tired of laying around tonight so I decided to go for a walk. While I was going by Turkey Hill this beat white van drives by & I hear a bunch of guys yelling my name. All I saw were mad heads & I didn't recognize one. Then someone yells, Brian Oplinger and I was like, whhhat? I couldn't hear them becuase of the traffic, then Brian stuck his head out the window & told me to go back to Turkey Hill. I get in the car & there's like 6 people. It was this kid Rusty, this kid John, Brian, Mike and Damien. I only chilled with Brian & Mike just recently this past week over Katie's. I haven't really talked to them before, but Brain's in like two of my classes & Mike lives in SC..We drove around &, you know, stuff. We went to to Mike's after Rusty & John had to go home. Brian Mike and Damien walked me home around 11. It was a long walk to. They were so nice for doing it. I had a lot of fun with them. They were so chill & very sweet. They treated me well.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 17:49:20 GMT

Fools rush in...

Fools rush in
Where angels fear to tread
And so I come to you my love
My heart above my head

Though I see
The danger there
If theres a chance for me
Then I dont care

Fools rush in
Where wise men never go
But wise men never fall in love
So how are they to know

When we met
I felt my life begin
So open up your heart and let
This fool rush in

Saturday night I hit Kurtas up & we drove around SC & Rofo talking about the past. It was good times. I met up with him last night around 11:30 and we snuck in my house a chilled for a little bit. He had school today so he left around 12:30. It was chill as shit. But uhm... it's a beautiful day & I'm squandering time.

In the beginning of GWTW when it shows the sign in front 12 Oaks(or maybe it was Tara. I haven't seen that movie for a while) and it reads, Do not squander time, it is the stuff life is made of, I found out that that's a quote from Benjamin Franklin...yeeaaah....

Laural & Hardy on TCM tonight at 8. I'm pretty excited....

When your lonely heart has learned its lesson, you'd be his if only he would call

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 18:25:40 GMT

It's a new season and I find myself falling right back where I was when winter came. However, it's not nearly as bad. I guess maybe because I know what to expect.It's stranger still because I've experienced the same seasons every year of my life, but since October I've had to adjust to them as if I've never felt the chill of cold air, the sun on my face, wind in my hair, or the pounding rain on my shoulders.. It's not so much about what happened in October, but it's just everything that happened because of it. I'm still not out of this mess yet. I would have gotten over it eventually, but my mind wasn't right and my judgement was poor. Everything snowballed and at the very core of it is what happened in October. Everything that has now added onto it makes what happened in October seem like a minor inconvenience.

I thought I was over it. But for some reason it still makes me miss it... I knew it was going to be like this. I knew it. I had to go through the holidays and I had to adjust to them as well. It's like the life I had before this past October was not my own. I watch this images pass me by as if I am detached from them, although I can still feel the emotions, I'm watching someone else relive them. I am not the same.

You know, before I met Brad I was the same person I am now only to a lesser degree and I'm so ashamed. When I was with him I used to think to myself how grateful I was to have him because he saved me. But I still felt as though I was missing out on something. Now I realized that I wasn't missing anything at all. I saw the people around me having fun and going to parties and I thought that that was what I should be doing with my life. I didn't know it would lead me here...I am not who I want to be. I've made mistakes and I still continue to slip up. Why? Why can't I set myself on the right path? Haven't I learned? All I have is hope and I'm dangling from that by a thin thread. What else is left? I can only hope that this all clears up and I can start my life anew. I need someone to watch over me.

The past 6 months have been the most turbulent and trying time in my life. Hopefully if I can get rid of this chip on my shoulder I can change for good. Without help from someone else.I want to have the satisfaction of learning on my own. I thought I learner so long ago but certain circumstances caused me to go back to my old ways. Hopefully I can look back on this and be ashamed of how dumb I was and laugh at my mistakes. And although I said it's been turbulent, I've experienced many things that I will never forget. And if this isn't really the end I will cherish every miserable moment and I will be glad. I will find happiness in the fact that i've overcome my past and I will work harder for my future.

I was walking to school yesterday morning and I almost cried. Let me explain myself: I cried because I was reminded what life was like. Everything was so bright and the grass was so green. All of the images are so vivid. It was a peaceful time of day. Around 7:40. Everything looks clearer at that time of day and I'm usually stuck inside a stuffy building trying to become educated. I haven't seen things so clearly for a long time. I haven't felt the sun for a while. I cried because all of my memories since October have been dark. And I'm not crazy, there's some logic to it.. After Brad broke up with me I was so miserable that my only escape was to sleep. Right when I would come home I would go right to sleep because I knew my dreams couldn't be nearly as bad as my reality. I would wake up around 6 or 7 and I would walk. I'd walk alone in the dark for a couple hours and I would just think. I looked at the world around me and everything was so bare. It was like the world felt how I felt. It sympathized with me although I felt so completely alone. When I saw sun I was reminded of when I was truly happy and didn't know it. And now I'm still miserable but the world has moved on. I'm still stuck and I'm scared. Everything is still so uncertain. I want to know if I'm going to be given a second chance at life. I want to know now if I should get used to feeling so damn terrible.

The only thing I know is that I can keep going on the way I have been. I can't.

I don't want a relationship. Not unless it's going to be a serious one. I'm talking about being able to see myself spending the rest of my life with that person. Not that I will go into it expecting it to live out the rest of my life with them, but I will marvel at the possibility that that person just might be my other half. My better half. Until I find that it's not worth it to be tied down to anyone. There's too mush responsibility to relationships and I have too much stress on my mind. I am not able to deal with anyone that wont drastically change my life for the better. Right now the only people that can do that for me are my friends.

God, I hope this makes sense to someone. I have so many thoughts rushing through my head it's hard to grasp them all. No kidding. I'm a mess.

An entry of this weeks event may come a little latter. This one will most likely end up deleted or private. Laugh at it while you still can.

This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other 364

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 21:38:11 GMT

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad." - Salvador Dali (1904-1989) Spanish Painter, Printmaker

Yesterday I walked my ass to Kohl's and picked a few things up. I bought this stupid candle holder at Marshal's because I'm a compulsive idiot, but it's cool.

Some creepy bastard tried giving me a ride. I saw him the other day on my way to work.I thought he was someone I knew so I smiled at him and then he turned around and went by me two more times. I was buggin'. Then when he saw me walking to Kohl's he was like, I'm a nice guy, I wont hurtcha... and then he said he was going my way anyway when I had just seen him coming from the opposite direction. Like wtf? God, I hate people. I should have reported him but I couldn't see his license plate.

I am a blind bastard. People always think I'm staring at them, but I really not. I'm just trying to figure out who the fuck they are. It takes my eyes like 5 seconds to focus half way. It's pretty beat.

So last night was pretty fresh. Mark IMed me and was like, feel like partying tonight? and of course I said yes. I was bored off my ass. He picked me up around 9 with Shirley and Erica. We had to wait for his friend Ryan to come pick us up. we were going to his grandmom's place in Kimberton b/c she's out for the weekend. I rode with Ryan and Mark. Erica and Shirley took Shirley's car and he followed us to pick up Ryan's chick. Then we went to the crib and chilled with a bottle of SoCo 100 proof. It was nice. We smoked and drank until like 3:30. I had a lot of fun with Erica. That girl is the shit. We think a lot alike and we just get along famously. She is amazing. Ryan's chick wasn't so friendly, but it's cool. Shirley dropped me off at home around 9:15 and then i got ready to go to work...

The tragedy of life is what dies in a man while he's alive.

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 00:27:04 GMT

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.

I found it.