Time for work. Starbucks is nationally closing at 5:30 today for a widescale rebuffering of barista retraining. OH FUN! I steam my milk and blend my fraps enough to satisfy the people. I don't know how much more I can be trained.

My boss has me on an unexplainably assoholic schedule, that regardless of the times, is going to put a good chunk on my biweekly paycheck. But he's got me closing the place till 11 give or take then coming in at 5 the next morning to open and stay until 2. That was today's thing. Now it's 6:53pm, and I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to knock myself out to sleep so I can drag my ass out of bed at 4am, shower (and I HATE the immediate feeling of water all over my body the moment I wake up), dress up in Starbucks attire, and walk to Broadlands. Before 5. Easy stuff. Honestly, I don't want to be caught on a complain rampage, because first off I'm absolutely thankful that I got the job in the first place; and two, I'm willing to work all those hours, it means a bigger paycheck and more experience.

I smell like espresso. And I love it.

Heather, my 40 year old friend/coworker/not virgin and I have concluded that our favorite word when customers are absent is FUCK. Don't forget to put a good emphasis on that F and K. It helps shape the term.

**********I'm going to be writing in this way more often. I know you're reading it, so really, my plan is to slowly reshare myself with you. I'm going to tell you about what's going on in my life bit by bit...As events actually happen. If they do.

Salama&OneLove

You have no idea how good it felt to read that. We've both been through things since we first met, and they've all taken pieces of our personas, or given unexpected new pieces. I want to tell you what's happened to me in a nutshell, because it matters alot in our case. First off, I've never told you this, because I never really knew or understood it, but as a kid, I had something called R.A.D. It became a part of me because I didn't have parents growing up, along with the fact that I was physically abused by a relative since before I was able to walk, then later other relatives. I never could put a finger on it, but I always had a feeling that something about me was wrong. A kid with R.A.D. is unable to form healthy connections with other people, and between the two forms of it, I have been disinhibited, meaning, when I was young I would go up to strangers and profess my indiscriminate love for them in hopes that they would parent me. Look R.A.D. up, there's no way I can wrap it up without giving you an essay about it.

What keeps ahold of me to this day is that our relationship has been a recurring one for me. For some reason, I didn't have it in me to push you away from me. The reason, to me, is not important. What remains important to me is that we still have that connection. It's precious to me because first of all, it's a miracle it's been as it has for all these years. I miss you, I miss us, I miss how we were in the past, and I'm just wondering about how much further it can go. I remember so clearly how we worked back then. It was so romantic in our own little way, which is almost funny to me because I'm not so much the Juliet of any scenario. It just WORKED.

I have to confide this in you, this event that you may vaguely know about. While I was in Graydon, when I was 15, my counselor got involved with me. Not only did she get involved with me, as far as two people can get involved, she yo yoed me. She played me, and she knew I was a r.a.d. kid. She sexually abused me, and it went on for a good two years. The cops uncovered it and we all had to go to court. I was so attached, in the bad way, to her that she was pretty much able to convince me to cover her ass and lie in court. I did lie, and because of that she escaped 5 felonies that could have had her in jail for 15 to 20 years. Now, after a lot of light's been shed I've come out of the rad connection I had with her and I'm realizing that two years of my life have been fucked and wasted because of someone who was supposed to help me. If my r.a.d. was a mess before I went into that facility, try to imagine what it morphed into after all that.

I've struggled with that, and I continue to at a distance. I space myself from it only because I believe that as long as I'm a hardass about it, I can overcome it. Rad never leaves a person, there is not drug for it, no treatment, nothing. It's something that kid and later adult has to deal with on their own, and hopefully with the companionship of someone else who may understand it in a way. I believe that there's absolutely no reason in wasting time on a past event or issue that can't be changed- moving foward is the only feasable way to go, so that's what I've adopted.

I'm just blown away that I love you, care for you, and miss you as much as I do to this day. I've never done this with healthy discrimination, and I can back it up with the more than 3 years we've known eachother, because there has not been a moment I've felt this way with any other human being. I remember that crescent moon and us two that I sent to you, I remember how I felt when I drew it, and I can still feel it. As for the books, holy shit, I can vaguely recall that I incorperated a hell load of angst into those, but aside from those pages, the ones directed at you have meaning beyond a teenager's underdeveloped brain.


Update: I've been excepted into GMU. Remember how I said I'd be graduating a year early, all the way back when I was in 8th grade? I didn't just follow through because I can't stand the kids I go to highschool with. =) So the school year is almost up, think we'll hold out? I can, we've gone all these years, why not a few more months/////

<3