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Comrade_Gonzo
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Interests: The works of Phillip K. Dick, Hunter S. Thompson, David Lynch, Joel & Ethan Coen, Robert Towne, Francis Ford Coppola, Christopher Nolan, Charlie Kaufman, post-Annie Hall, pre-Bullets Over Broadway Woody Allen, Lou Reed, John Lennon, Black Francis/Frank Black, Wayne Coyne, Bob Dylan, etc.
Expertise: Kicking ass.
Message: message me
AIM:  Mr Saraneth
Member Since:
6/17/2005
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| Scarface: Dated Technicolor Abomination In hundreds of years, when the US has bombed the world into the
stone age and the human race is starting from scratch, scientists will
go through the ruined dystopias of past cities and one question will
tantalize their minds more than any other: Why the fuck are there so
many copies of Scarface about?
If it wasn't enough for cinematic
burglar Brian DePalma to make an Oliver Stone script even worse than it
was when Oliver Stone churned it out of his bowels, if it wasn't enough
to take a great actor like Al Pacino and make him look like a fool
while simultaneously making Pacino like the performance, if it wasn't
enough to subject EVERY FUCKING THING in the film to the fashions and
trends of 1984 or whenever this monstrosity was released on the
unsuspecting masses, that are merely a blemish on the skin of human
history, the artistic criminals Brian DePalma and Oliver Stone decided
it would be a good idea to compound all the fun of the Rwandan
genocides into one 8-hour film.
But aside from all that, coming into this film, you have every reason to think it will be another Departed
(which is a ridiculously awesome film): a tie with World War I for body
count, Al Pacino and a guy getting killed with a chainsaw. In theory,
this movie already rocks. Alas, if you look closer, you can already see
the makings of a terrible film: Oliver Stone's name. At this point, you
should be able to deduce that the violence will be fueled by a strong
misconception of what a bullet does to a human head, Al Pacino will
spend the film making the same facial expression and talking like a
lobotomy patiant and one guy being murdered with a chainsaw won't be
enough to save the film.
Yet, somehow, audiences are still wowed
by Brian DePalma scatting in their mouths for 8 hours with his
ill-concieved incorporation of trends and Oliver Stone's single-didget
IQ.
But much like someone anally raping your dog after knifing
you in the femoral artery, the film refuses to die its much-deserved
shamefull death in the fashion of Demolition Man or anything else Sly
Stallone was in (except Rambo. Rambo rocks)-- Where all the big-budget
Hollywood knockoffs of the work of an auteur (in this case, Francis
Ford Coppola's The Godfather) where all these such films should be.
The only reason anyone likes this cinematic hollocaust is because they
think they're supposed to like it. They must think, by my deductive
reasoning, that everyone needs to have a gangster epic as their
favorite film. If you really think that, see The Godfather or Goodfellas.
Don't see Scarface. | | |
| Daniel Day-Lewis is fucking Manwich Is anyone watching you? With the reathaurization of the Patriot Act, probobly. Is anyone watching you? I doubt it. Why would anyone look at any of us, just another invalid toiling hourlessly to make some CEO richer than anyone has any right to be, because that's what you're conditioned to think the meaning of life is? And if I know anything about the meaning of life, it's that it isn't to do what the CEOs tell you to do. The meaning of life isn't some universal concept that's the same for every person. Every person looks at life differently and every person interprets events differently. People who wonder about things like the meaning of life haven't spent enough time thinking about the context of the meaning of life. I can't tell you what to do to find meaning in your life, but I can tell you that you won't find it in some retirement package that a corporation throws at you with a wristwatch and tells you to fuck off after you neatly package 50 years of your life and send it to them at signifigant cost to you via first class mail so it can be delivered to them as they sit in their cavernous mansions clutching a glass of brandy and twirling their mustaches. Start a fight. Have a near-death experiance. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop being afraid. Reevaluate things that have been spoon-fed to you your whole life, like the necessity of having a child. Prove that you're alive. Because if you don't, no one will.
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| So much blatant plagiarism, so little time.So I was watching High Plains Drifter,
which, at the time, I was preparing to peg as the greatest movie ever
made, when I realised there was something unsettling about it. It
wasn't the graphic violence, it wasn't the rape, it wasn't the amoral
revenge story, it wasn't the savage, yet heroicly brutal methods of
dispatching characters, no, that stuff's fine, but...There was
something else. Something that bugged me. Then it hit me. This film is
a blatant ripoff of my average day.
The movie starts off with
Clint Eastwood (and I have to say, that if anyone is going to play me,
it should be Clint Eastwood. Or Marlon Brando. But Clint Eastwood is
good, too.) riding into this town, killing three guys for looking at
him wrong and making some chick orgasm just by looking at her. Then he
goes and doesn't pay for his hotel room and dreams about more violence.
It was totally sweet. Then he bosses around a midget, kills some more
people, dodges some bullets and makes the villagers paint their town
blood red and rename it Hell. I've never cried so hard during a movie.
And by cry, I mean punch cats. So I decide that I'm going to just sit
back and enjoy the film, then wait for a story credit or something.
Then I'll write to Clint Eastwood and demand my royalties, which I'll
use to create a 10,000-foot, gold, jewel encrusted statue of myself
with my mausoleum underneath. We're getting off the subject here.
So after being blown away by the ass kickery that was the end, which
included violence, fire, stranglings, bullwhiping, etc., I watched the
credits and saw no mention of my name. So if you ever see any of the
producers on the street, tell them my story. It would be a great help.
Thanks a bunch. | | |
| Need to learn a life lesson? Just watch Full House!Every day I run home and watch Full House! It's great! Bob Saget is so funny! John Stamos is so cool! I love Dave Coulier's funny voices! His imitations are the best! Especially when he does Joe Pesci! LOL! Bob Saget for emperor LOL! Did you know that it stayed on the air for eight years!? LOL!
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Harrison Ford: Better than You
It's
a real shame that Harrison Ford can't seem to get his shit together
these days. Between movies with that shit-eater Josh Hartnett and
upcoming movies named after computer software, we just aren't getting
anything we want out of him. It's a real fucking shame, because he used
to be the epitome of ass-kickery himself. The pinnacle of his career
was, of course, the 1980's, but he had a few quality flicks in the
90's, mostly the Jack Ryan stuff. Below are a list of his best movies,
from oldest to newest and why they're here.
Star Wars (1977)
Obviously. This was Mr. Ford's big break, and featured a fine
demonstration of his ass-kicking bruvado. The real problem with Capt.
Solo (Ford's character) is that there simply isn't enough of him.
Greastest Scene:
When Han doesn't know what the hell the guy is saying over the
communicator, so he blasts the damn thing out of spite and kicks ass
instead of talking like a wuss.
The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
The best, and most mature, in the real Star Wars trilogy, Empire
features the grand direction of Irvin Kirshner, the literary advantage
of NOT having George Lucas involved in the writing of the film, and the
obviously developing acting skills of its talented stars. Yeah,
whatever. Harrison Ford kicks even more ass in this one.
Greatest Scene: When Han comes upon a scout droid and blaster-0wnz0rz its face off.
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Fucking duhr. If you've sat through this kickass religious disco of a
film, and said afterward that Harrison Ford is not a badass, may you be
launched into the sun. I loathe you. Go zap yourself with the
microwave. Preferablly in the loins so you don't contaminate the world.
Quoted from imdb.com
"The out-of-control airplane actually ran over Harrison Ford's knee, tearing his ligaments. Rather than submit to Tunisian health care, Ford had his knee wrapped in ice and carried on."
God damn.
Greatest Scene: You
don't expect me to choose just one? That's right, bitch, you don't. The
truck chase. Hell yeah. When he throws the giant German guy into the
propeller. Hell yeah. When he pr0nz that sword swinging wussy with his
pistol. Hell yeah. The bar fight. Hell yeah.The psychadelic religious
light show accompanied with timely face melting that comes from opening
the Ark of the Covenant. [/spoiler]
Blade Runner (1982)
Depth. Real depth. A wonderfully dystopic futuristic film-noir with
deep religious and moral implications, a thematically ambitious story
about mankind's quest for immortality. Coupled with an emotionally
distant, heartless performance from Ford and predictably genius
direction from Mr. ownz0r himself, Ridley Scott. This movie is about
Harrison Ford shooting people.
Greatest Scene: Deckard shoots Daryl Hannah and she spases out on the floor. You can almost hear Ford yelling "THAT'S FOR SPLASH!".
Return of the Jedi (1983)
There's a serious reduction of how awesome Han Solo is in this one. Oh well, it's still awesome, just not up to the standard.
Greatest Scene: Elongated scene of Han shooting Storm Troopers on Endor.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)
Pretty much sucks. Unbalanced, racist and campy. It also has an
annoying asian kid and a horrifically miscast bitch of a leading lady
who was only there because she was humping Spielberg. Fortunatley for
the movie, Harrison Ford was in it.
Greatest Scene: Shanghai nightclub. The rest is virtually garbage, aside from the heart removal scenes.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
Back on the map with this one. This one has ub3r ass kickery in it. It's the awesome. Not as good as Raiders, though. This also had Sean Connery in it. B0n0s0r.
Greatest Scene: Either
Indy exploding the nazi's motorcycle, slamming that guys face into the
top of the tank or getting an autograph from Hitler.
I'm tired of doing this list. If you haven't realised how awesome Harrison Ford is by now, you never will. Get off my internet. | | |
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