ControlRestrictionPerfection's Xanga

Game on. Thinspo.

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 20:46:28 GMT

I work all the time. Thank God! Plus, because I work for a magazine and am living back in Manhattan, the drive is good. Lookin to loose 5 pounds this week. Just joined crunch gym. Game on.

I've been seeing a Calvin Klein model and I gained 30 lbs.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 11:02:23 GMT

His name is Blake and he used to model for Calvin Klein. So tell me, how the fuck did I gain 30 pounds?!? Well, want your boyfriend to look like a Calvin Klein model? Make him start working out like crazy and replace all meals with a high nutrient content and make him work out six hours per day. Next step is to introduce him to oxyconton and let him play with heroin every now and then. Nice right? Add some pulled black blonde hair to that chissled body and those hollow cheeks and you have Blake. Blake and I have just had a whirlwind romance. I met him in the middle of the afternoon. I was cutting through his yard to my house, he was chillin on his porch with his friends. He started talking to me, asked me if I was James' girlfriend. -"Whose Scean?" I asked. Blake said he figured I was her, because I was gorgeous and could be mistaken with a stripper. Relieved to hear that I wasn't he asked me out straight away. I went home, dizzy. I was having a party that night for my roomates birthday. Before it even picked up, Blake came by. My knees shook- I pulled him out of the house and back to his house and fucked him. It was amazing, it was incredibly amazing. He begged me to stay the night but I left, went back to my party. He sent me text messages as soon as he woke. I was there by the early afternoon, and we were having sex again. He loved that I wear subtle gold handcuffs round my neck. He choked me during sex and pressed down on my chest so hard he left bruises. But I have diverged. I left Blake. In the afternoon his eyes became glassy in a way that made him look dead. He was dead for most of the day and night. I would pick fights with him to get a rise out of him. I would cry. He would laugh while asking me what was wrong. "Nothing's wrong. Im crazy about you. If your crazy about me than nothing could be wrong." I was with him every day and night for a few weeks. No more. I've moved back home. I have been eating french fries and cheese burgers and drinking beer and eating pizza and chicken wings... I have gained 30 pounds as of yesterday. As of yesterday I weigh 160. I felt hopeless. And hopeless I didn't care what I looked like. Well Im done being hopeless. I am back in Manhattan as of last night. I am getting my act back together.

like legitimately perfect

Tue, 27 May 2008 05:38:16 GMT

Brian, one of the hottest people I have ever met, let alone been tight with, just told me I should quit because they make me feel shitty about my body even though I am "like legitimately perfect." For some reason, that just makes me want to go even harder. I want to live up to that claim and when I do, it will be so fuckin sweet. It's going to be nice in a few days... which means beach... which means bikini... which means Im going hardcore. I am determined to cut out: late night pizza, peanut butter, bread- unless its for a new moon sandwhich- but i will cut out the oil, grillin-except for lean hot dogs, pasta, beer- unless im w bri, ice cream

Monday, May 26, 2008

Mon, 26 May 2008 14:42:38 GMT

For just having woken up I have learned a lot. I have learned that I have difficulty saying no and that my intuition on crushes is severely fucked up. Why do I let Luke keep kissing me. Better yet, why did I tell him that it was ok if he came back to my house. I kept telling him I was going to be going straight to sleep but he said he was fine with that so we walked back to my place. Meanwhile Scean... whatever. He said a lot of shit the last time I saw him and now he's acting so fucking weird. He kept telling me how amazing I am and how much he loves me. He was so fucked up, I know thats not how he actually feels sober. I love a lot of people after knocking back 8 shots of tequila too. But his solution to this non problem is to not talk to me?

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Sun, 25 May 2008 20:41:11 GMT

Got back from Boston today. Life has been non stop. I don't remember sleep and there was a pizza and to be honest, wings, incident last night and so my weight is way up. I looked bangin last night though! Which felt really good! I wore this white mini dress by Henry Lang, a Philip Lim 3.0 coat, and Prada ankle stillettos. I actually bought the outfit, changed in Barney's and made a run for the party. Proceeded to get drunk, dance, had a great time, but when I finally dragged my but back to my hotel room, after no food all day and having not slept the night before- i ordered a movie, a pizza and wings.

Day 2 and all is well

Sun, 18 May 2008 21:32:58 GMT

Hey girls! I am so pumped to tell you that I am on day two and going so strong! The weight I put on in the last week is totally just falling off. Such a fucking relief! I have had a really good two days! Still going strong! Hope all is well!

xoxo

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Sat, 17 May 2008 14:27:32 GMT

Drama and social catastrophe have been occurring the last couple of days... my guys have been rescuing me with lots of barbecues and ice cream- great on the disposition, and terrible on the disposition. I have a confession, I had a sex dream about Brian, one of my best friends. It was just one of those things. I don't even think of him like that ever- I woke u laughing. I actually have a thing for the "fabio twins" - who are neither twins (or brothers) and they don't remind me of fabio. B's friend, who has both a thing for me and has a girlfrend, has named them the "fabio twins."

By the way, Im watching The Ick Factor - Sex and the City - so damn good! Im starting Attack of the Five-Foot Woman - God I love Saturdays! But to be honest, this isn't a real saturday for me, I have so much fucking work to do before I go home. I am working for a socialite magazine back home in manhattan for the summer. Must get skinny!

I need to cut down on smoking btw. Brian and I are going to work on eachother. I smoke a pack of parlaiment lights a day. I have only had one today but its mostly because I havn't been anywhere.

enough babbling, time for thinspo

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Wed, 14 May 2008 19:52:40 GMT

Hi all! So sorry to have been away for so fucking long! I had finals and a workshop performance, which went really well! The workshop that is, not the finals. I am actually finishing them now. Anyway after my performance I went crazy and binged for days!! I just havn't been able to stop eating. I let myself do it but I've been gaining and it's almost time for me to return home so I need to get myself back on track. I am therefore going to have a 4 day detox to remind myself how much I like the lifestyle of control and restriction. I have 8 pounds to drop and then I am ready to loose another 5 - 10 pounds by June, which is so duable as long as I get my but on the fast track ASAP. I have been on a total cookie/ice cream/chip/sandwhich/PEANUT BUTTER kick - this must stop immediatly!!! 4 days of none of that CRAP!! 4 days of fruits and veggies and I should drop that 8 pounds like its nothing. I am starting right now, so it will end at 7:45 Sunday night.

My inspiration: event in Boston on the 24th, going home, the BEACH, my new short shorts, Dave, Headly, MICAH, new clothes, Brian coming home, standing next to Mez, the magazine, parents, and so on and so forth

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 13:14:22 GMT

I'm sorry I havn't been around recently. Exams and dance are out of control right now! But great news!!! I past two of my smaller gw's! I've lost 20 lbs! I know that it will be really hard to maintain because I've lost the weight by not eating/sleeping + working out everyday. But I'll figure it out. One of my dance teachers congratulated me on how good i was looking- i almost started crying I was so happy. So its time for the next/possibly the last push- 10 lbs more.

Sorrry this update can't be longer. I need to finish a paper before dance. I'll update more soon!!

update and killa thinspo

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 15:10:24 GMT

Sometimes it is the strangest sensations that remind me that Im thin. For instance, Im sitting in my bed, surfing a bit of xanga, and Im freezing. Which reminds me of last night when we were chillin in Liz's house and Terry takes my hands and looks shocked: "you really are ALWAYS cold" Well Im cold because Im thin from caloric restriction and exercise. Being cold like I am right now is this amazing reminder for me that Im thin. I realize Im cold and all of a sudden I want to work out instead of going to the grocery store.

Did I mention that Dave was supposed to come over last night... or rather this morning around 4 and didn't show. We were texting and calling and it was great- so familiar. Im not even upset that he didn't make it. He called me around 5 to say he was walking over and that he couldn't wait to see me- I fucked with him a little and he said he didn't care but then he didn't show up. But im not worried because its Dave. Its me and dave. the memory of it cant be taken from me- even though people try. it cant be taken from him (scratch that, drugs might take them from him, but for now, he seems to be battling pretty hard to hold on to them). Who would of though that me, the unromantic, with the biggest player- both of us never guessing we would find some intimacy in our experience together- that I would have such romantic blinders. that is so NOT me!

M fucked with my head again last night. Its amazing that bad boy 2 has no affect on me but fucking M. - kinda goofy looking, with a goofy personality to match- can make me feel so fucking worthless. Im so much fucking hotter and so much cooler than he is. We laugh on either sides of our computer wires but seriously- shit is whack. I was fucked up last night and upset about my friends getting busted so when M knew he could have me and actively passed it up- I started thinking things like "Am I just a huge joke? Do people just tell me Im hot/sleep with me because they know thats what it takes to get in with me and I have such a cool personality that they just all keep doing it? That M just can't bare to sleep with me because Im so horrid?" But you know what? Im 5'9", the high waisted chord pipes I wore last night that I had to constantly keep pulling up were a size 27 AND I am a C-cup. I have wavy brown hair (now) big eyes big lips, IM A FUCKING BALLERINA/COLLEGE STUDENT. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!?

I feel like I just burned a ton of calories on this post! working out some agression :)