Only say about others what you would say to their face.

 

Haven't blogged for so long...  even forgot my password.
This weekend has been a strange one.. so far has gotten me both mentally and physically strained.... yet i think i could have extracted a lot of positiveness from it. A better understanding of those around me, and a better understanding of myself?

Today is one of those days when i'm really ashamed of myself.
I have been trying to be a better person, but i guess the efforts are too little. A good person should not hate, should not judge, should not have double standards. Over the years, there are many moments when i think i could let go, many moments when i thought i have become indifferent, many moments when i would only wish well.
But one of these bad days, when i thought over it again, there were still so much resentment, so much anger, so much frustration that polluted anything and everything in association.

Hatred and anger could only mean that i am a bad person.

Frustration stems from not being able to put your perspectives across. You think to yourself, why cant they be more open minded? The solution to the bigger picture begins on self improvement. If something is important to you, then shouldn't it be enough to make you open up a little more, contribute a little more, and tolerate a little more? But in the end i realize that perhaps i am the narrow minded one. Perhaps its all my fault and i shouldn't be here to ruin the perfect picture. I regret bringing in a bad culture. I didn't mean to thin out the meaningful layer of it all.

I feel like i'm living in a home where all the family members are thinking of moving away, some are considering moving interstate, some wants to move out with other friends, some just goes out everyday and barely ever come home. Its like my happy family has been stripped away from me. If this home is important to us, then why can't we all spare a bit more effort, spend a little more time, and try to open up our hearts to each other again?

I guess my mind is just that narrow, it seems to be already over stretched, and thinking about it just makes me tired and hurt. I cant understand why its so hard. I don't understand why i don't belong here anymore.

Narrow mindedness could only mean that I am a bad person.

I think i take things for granted. I think i forget myself and what is important to me. I think i'm immature and expect things from others that i can not promise to give.
I think i'm a fool... and is unworthy.
I can not believe i had once thought of giving it all away. I'm so sorry and i will never say such nasty words ever again.
I am all upset tonight because I can not reach you..  but how must you have felt the last couple of night? I'm such a hypocrite. thank you for putting up with me.
I'm so ashamed of myself.

Having double standards and being naive must mean that i am a bad person.

Its hard when something is missing. Its hard longing for something so bad.. But then its because i keep forgetting how lucky i am, to have someone who understands me so well, to have someone who is always willing to be there for me.  I'm so lucky to have found the one.

Taking things for granted must mean that i'm a bad person.

I'm so lucky to have friends who would talk me through my troubled moments, to accept my faults, to hear my shame.
I'm thankful that i have YOU who would stick up for me despite me being such a bad person.

Stress is overclouding me, there is so much to act on, so much to improve.
I guess its time to stop complaining and actually do something about it all. Time is running thin. I need to live up to the expectations. More dedication to my family without whinging about it afterwards. More concentration on work and exam preparation. More thinking for my friends and loved ones. More preparation for the life ahead.

Its time to really start being a better person.

The sense of belonging is like the flame on a candle.

Tender, bright, warm, comforting, yet... fragile.... and blows out at the wave your hand.

How do you define perfection? and how many flaws will you allow in a perfect scenario?

You think you know somebody after years of time together. But you could know nothing.

You're just a butterfly, caught by the colours of the garden, lingering amongst the dust of the season.

I feel insecure, deceived, disturbed.

How does polluted water get purified?