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this is proof. for once in my life and will fully and completely admit that I was wrong. about so many things. I have said so much shit to people about wanting to be with there bf/gf everyday. about ditching everything and everyone for one person thats most likely only temporary. I finally understand the insanity. because I am insane for this boy. for what reason I have no idea. nor do I care. thats the part that scares me. I never knew that I could feel so much for someone. I never wanted to. it would have been easier staying the way I have always been. single, unknowing of any kind of intense emotion beyond hurt and anger. not happy, not sad, not lonely. I was just chillin. but this is so much more fun, even if I am setting myself, I dont care. thats life. shit happens. idk why im being so optimistic right now considering i have had the longest two days of my life due to this boy that I am writing about right now. its not his fault. it just is what it is, and despite anything bad that happens or will happen, I love what it is. this is probably the corniest thing I have ever written, but u'll have to excuse me, its just part of the insanity. | | |
| ok so im having a little bit of an identity crisis. everything in my life has done a 180. everything iv been doing and feeling is completely out of character. and its like sometimes, when im at the peak of my daydream, I realize. I think to myself, what the fuck are u doing... who are you anymore? I dont know what has overcome me. but for some reason I just keep letting it go on. maybe iv just been lonely, and maybe iv just been looking for an out. I dont know. I dont know what im doing. what I do know is that I have never felt like this before. and what I know even more then that is that I never wanted to. its a little late to turn back. I have already put myself out there. maybe your right. maybe I do need to let go. I'm not sure how much longer I can fight it. I so fucking happy, yet so conflicted. I just wish I knew something. I wish I didnt miss me so much. | | |
| Ok I need to vent. bad. my life is going in the shithole. and no one even realizes it. im a great actress. but its only a matter of time. before everyone starts to see. before eceryone starts to see who i am and what im doing. everyone will realize how far gone I am about to become. these behaviors are all too familiar. It happens from time to time. I just hope I can keep my friends in the dark. I dont want them to know. I dont want to be a dissappointment. and I dont want to loose them. I love them all so much, and I dont think they will ever know. I wish I had to die for one of them. I would step right up. and throw up my hands. at least then I would die with honor instead of living like a bitch. I hate myself sometimes. I hate when I let myself get out of control, and I loose myself. no one can help me but myself. I wish I knew where I was these days. Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth.
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself.
It wears her out, it wears her out.
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| I don't think anyone realizes the effect that recent events have had on me. loosing cait has made me realize so many things. It's like I dont want to talk to anyone, but at the same time I feel like I need my friends right now. my barn famnily has been so great to me these past couple days. Its been really nice to spend this time with them. I still don't fully belive that she is gone. I still feel like im going to get a call from her, and hnag out. I still feel like before I know we will be riding together doing hunt teams and playing on our horses. I feel like we are still gunna sing kelly clarkson with kyle at the next barn party. I still feel like she is still alive, I can remember everything about her, the way she laughed the way she cried, the way she would yell at kyle. I remember all the times, and my mind refuses to belive that there wont be anymore.
Caitlin,
I know that U are probabaly happier then any of us down here. but I miss you so much, and It breaks my heart to think that I will never get to talk to you or fuck around with u ever again. it brings me to a numbness, to think about loosing you. everyday that I wake, I see your face. I think about your moms words " see she's ready for her next show." you always got so excited about shows, and u always used the right amount of quicksilver so that huey would look like an actual horse. we both fell in love with the same horse. you were the last person on his back. I feel that I hurt you by selling him because of my addictions. that is another thing that I will ave to carry with me for the rest of my life. please watch over tango, where ever he is. I saw huey today, and all I can think about was those times when we would tack up together before a lesson, and spray eachother with the hose on a hot summer day. I miss talking about the old barn with you. U are one of the few people who actually knew what that family was, you know what It was like to be an origional barn girl. all the laughter on the muck pile, all the tears at the kitchen table, playing horsless horshow, jumping on the trampoline, dunking eachother in the pool, cake in the face on birthdays, hot chocolate in the winter time, and so much much more. I feel as though I never want to stop writing because I want to keep talking to u. everyday I think ur going to come out of no where and be like OLE' IM HERE! just kidding guys!...and it kills me to know that its not going to happen, I cant say goodbye to you, and I wont because, I will crarry U with me always. U will be my strength liek U always have been. I want to be ok. I know U wouldnt want me to fall apart. but loosing u, caitlin, I just cant help but be completely distraught. I love you so fucking much, and I just wish I could hug you, I wish I could hear your voice. the fact that I cant makes me want to give up. but I wont. for you, I wont. Cailin ciquero, you are always and forever my sister and one of my best friends. I just cant accept that your gone.I love you, and hope that your happy. I would give my life so that U could come back, but seeing as that is not an option, I can only give myself the false hope that maybe U will come back. please. | | |
| Midnight is rising your eyes adjusting on a sullen, distant and persistent moon the shadows are thickets they swarm with frogs and crickets droning a collective tone once you get lost in it there's no need for turning back twilight has pulled you in strong just like that the weather shifts and something triggers your legs to carry on. Why are you running away over and over again? Why are you running in place? Daylight is shining your retinas are burning burning burning something is evident your legs will carry you on. The old haunts are real! It's just a matter of time before they bury you!
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