| | I don't think anyone realizes the effect that recent events have had on me. loosing cait has made me realize so many things. It's like I dont want to talk to anyone, but at the same time I feel like I need my friends right now. my barn famnily has been so great to me these past couple days. Its been really nice to spend this time with them. I still don't fully belive that she is gone. I still feel like im going to get a call from her, and hnag out. I still feel like before I know we will be riding together doing hunt teams and playing on our horses. I feel like we are still gunna sing kelly clarkson with kyle at the next barn party. I still feel like she is still alive, I can remember everything about her, the way she laughed the way she cried, the way she would yell at kyle. I remember all the times, and my mind refuses to belive that there wont be anymore.
Caitlin,
I know that U are probabaly happier then any of us down here. but I miss you so much, and It breaks my heart to think that I will never get to talk to you or fuck around with u ever again. it brings me to a numbness, to think about loosing you. everyday that I wake, I see your face. I think about your moms words " see she's ready for her next show." you always got so excited about shows, and u always used the right amount of quicksilver so that huey would look like an actual horse. we both fell in love with the same horse. you were the last person on his back. I feel that I hurt you by selling him because of my addictions. that is another thing that I will ave to carry with me for the rest of my life. please watch over tango, where ever he is. I saw huey today, and all I can think about was those times when we would tack up together before a lesson, and spray eachother with the hose on a hot summer day. I miss talking about the old barn with you. U are one of the few people who actually knew what that family was, you know what It was like to be an origional barn girl. all the laughter on the muck pile, all the tears at the kitchen table, playing horsless horshow, jumping on the trampoline, dunking eachother in the pool, cake in the face on birthdays, hot chocolate in the winter time, and so much much more. I feel as though I never want to stop writing because I want to keep talking to u. everyday I think ur going to come out of no where and be like OLE' IM HERE! just kidding guys!...and it kills me to know that its not going to happen, I cant say goodbye to you, and I wont because, I will crarry U with me always. U will be my strength liek U always have been. I want to be ok. I know U wouldnt want me to fall apart. but loosing u, caitlin, I just cant help but be completely distraught. I love you so fucking much, and I just wish I could hug you, I wish I could hear your voice. the fact that I cant makes me want to give up. but I wont. for you, I wont. Cailin ciquero, you are always and forever my sister and one of my best friends. I just cant accept that your gone.I love you, and hope that your happy. I would give my life so that U could come back, but seeing as that is not an option, I can only give myself the false hope that maybe U will come back. please. |
| | Posted 4/30/2008 1:18 AM - 13 views - 0 comments
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