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| Juno's really good. Go watch it. It made me miss my amigos in San
Diego. I really feel that it's coming near time for an SD visit. I'm
constantly getting these weird pseudo-flashbacks to SD all the time.
I'll probably go out this summer.
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| I've been feeling oddly numb and blank for the past few days. I'm sick,
and exceedingly tired, which is probably a large part of it. In past
experiences, this type of thing usually precedes some major emotional
and spiritual upheaval, but causality is a questionable element to
that. I feel very out of touch with my emotions, and I can't really
think of anything to say, and have little to no interest in
experiencing (reading, listening to, watching, eating, talking to)
anything or anybody. That really sucks, and from an objective standard,
I know that things are great, and people are great, I just don't want
to do anything or talk to anybody (mostly because I can't think of
anything I have to say.)
I'm hoping this is just a weird funk due to the sick/tired thing. It
might be because I've been grounded for three weeks, and have done
little in that time. I really just need to get out there and live. One
more week to go.  
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| I wrote a song the other day, and it went like thisOh cruelest of inventions, haughty mirror
Our reflections will damn us all
No harder stare could I meet
Than the one looking back at me
While I'm brushing my teeth
How far down in the pit must I be
To be afraid to meet my own gaze?
How far gone am I, how far gone?
To the derisive eyes that search my soul at night
When first a girl did gaze into a placid pool
Curse that day, better that the sun not rise
Than it stroke vanity or destroy beauty
Whichever choice, the pool shows only lies
And it will break us down
To every coward so deep in regret
To all the insecure checking every chance we get
To every one of us so stoked in vanity
To every one of us ashamed of what they see
There will be a reckoning at the end of days
There will be a father with a yet more piercing gaze
There will be a judge who searches deeper than even we could search ourselves
And shows us mercy
Will our reflections recollections wreck us all?
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| Flabberghasted, humbled, and amazedLife is so incredibly insane and huge; I simply cannot comprehend its magnitude and complexity. Today was an epically insane day in the life, and one of great realization. I'm pretty tired, but I had such a mind-bogglingly intense day that I couldn't sleep. I have work in a few hours, so I'm just going to power through and do my best to be productive and serve the Lord, who has been very good to me. Much of today was spent realizing that fact, also.
Work was cut short, because I had to go on a wild goose-chase to find my brother's lost phone, which had been found by a gentleman who speaks narry a word of English. There were a great deal of interesting and challenging factoids tossed my way in the midst of all this. I don't think it would be beneficial to really go into detail about all the stuff that happened today, or the informations I received, but it was a lot more than I knew how to handle all at once.
I was somewhat stressed out for a time, with all of the craziness with the phone business, and the "this sucks/what am I gonna do about this?" of the other businesses, but I realized that I could stress because I don't know how things are going to be, or how I can take care of what I need to take care of, or I can just accept that life changes, and things are out of my control. There's so much that I just don't get and it humbled me to realize just how grandly God weaves the threads he weaves, and how little I have to do with all of it. There's nothing left to do but to be still, knowing that He is God, and to let that be enough.
Faith is amazing in the way that it renders peace so completely, yet needs neither certainty nor knowledge to accomplish its work. I'm not going to sleep tonight, because life is still a significant shock to the brain-pan. Life is still just beginning, and I'm coming to realize that we are only now in the places that we're from, but I'm not afraid and I don't have to analyze and contrive and conspire my paths and the places I will go because I know that God will be God tomorrow, He will still be working his plans, and will still lead me to follow. It's in his hands.
That being said, Jesus Take The Wheel is still a horridly and putridly incredibad song. Please use musical discretion at all times, and listen only to music that's awesome.
P.S. Go out and buy Jon Foreman's new Fall EP. It's incredibly delicious food for the soul. | | |
| You smile for them, but never for meI'm sorry for wishing that you'd just go away because it would make it easier to forget you, and to move on. It must feel like a slap in the face to know someone else thought life would be better without you. If it's any comfort, it was worse, I couldn't forget you, and what's worse, I started to miss you, and that hurt even more. I hope you feel valuable, cause you're unforgettable, and it's driving me wild. No matter what I do, I can't seem to stop caring what you think, and how you feel about me, even though I understand you hardly even know me and all that you hate; the things you dislike are untrue, founded on misconceptions held solely by you.
Why do I still care? Why can't I forget? I know that you don't give a crap about me, so why give one for you? But I do, even though there's so much more, and people that care about me, but I can't see. Everything is shadowed by the thought of your distaste for me, though I try to tell myself it's not important. I can't change, how I feel, and I can't change what I see. I tell myself that it's not real, but I shake the way I feel. Why is everything to me to see if you're looking at me-if you're smiling at me? Why can't I see the roomful of people who say they love me, why can't I believe? Why do I care? Why look for a smile when I already know it's not there?
And if life goes on without one, then why do I still care? | | |
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