...You said, i know that this will hurt...

so yeah, topsy turvy, one day is good, one day is even better, some days, not so much...i have learned a lot of things since the last entry i guess, or even since i came back from the philippines. i have experienced a whole lot of blessings. a whole lot of challenges...don't you just love the ambiguity.

* God is in the most unexpected places...conversations with residents, walking on the sidewalk and seeing beauty in the most simplest of things and strangers

* i still am faced with the question - what is my role as a filipino-american?

* my heart has stirred up a huge passion for prostitution and anti-trafficking...what does He want me to do with this?

* why is my communications major making me be so cynical and hate the world? wow...thank God i am not a sociology major? yeah, that's the ignorant part of me speaking. shoot...i am one person, but i can change the world...

* AHIMSA = non-violence

* +15 hours = philippines time

* why can't people finish all of their food in the cafeteria? trays with leftover food on them...difficult to take in sometimes...

* if we all have a voice, why do we not use it more to speak out against injustices we see happen everyday?

* Knowing more, finding out what is going on in the world, looking outside of our ivory towers means RESPONSIBILITY...not many people are willing to take that on.

* understand people are at different places in their life...it's God's doing.

....there are some random thoughts for you! that's all...just been reflecting on the trek a lot, and friends from the trek, and sights and smells and tastes...and trying to understand that God calls me to the role of a student at USD right now...not a missionary in the philippines...maybe later? hehe...we'll just have to see about that... :)

" You are so young, so before all beginning, and i want to beg you, as much as i can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.  do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them.  and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. perhaps you do carry within yourself the possibility of shaping and forming as a particularly happy and pure way of living; train yourself to it-- but take whatever comes with great trust and if only it comes out of your own will, out of some need of your inmost being, take it upon yourself and hate nothing." ~ Letters to a Young Poet  - Ranier Maria Rilke

...so we have an RA seminar that i attend every week, and i was given a handout with these words. HOW BEAUTIFUL! i love it, because it is where i need to be with the crazy many questions that i am having from manila. to really love the questions and to LIVE EVERYTHING. what does that look like to really LIVE EVERYTHING? how many times do i just wallow and stay in a place of unhealthy being? this is awesome, as it really spoke to me through these challenges that i am having with manila. i am seeing how God has really attuned my ears to issues of social justice, to allowing me to hear stories from around the world, that i otherwise before, would turn my cheek and shut myself off to the reality that i choose not to look at.  it's a beautiful thing, as i am realizing this, and as i am learning about how the other trekkers are experiencing crazy changes in their lifestyles as well. we have all been touched somehow. i am learnng that people do not have to go on a "mission" to a different country to understand social justice. they don't have to. you don't have to do anything. if you want to find out, it is within your reach. we are privileged with resources, we are privileged with technology to learn, to find out about different countries and find out what is going on outside of our hometown. it's all a matter of taking matters into our own hands and believing in the power of action. if everyone moved in the direction of their passion that would help humanity, what a more beautiful world this would be.

God is doing unbelievable things, and with julie's simple sentence of praise for God, it makes me even more excited for the best that is yet to come, to my brothers and sisters near and far. there is redemption. i may not immediately see it, but it is or will be there.

switchfoot is awesome. NOTHING IS SOUND. the shadow proves the sunshine.

my manila friends,, i miss youuuuuu ALL individually! you are EACH so SPECIAL!

super busy, but at the same time, super fun. i see God a lot everyday, and i am starting to see a lot of how Manila has really effected me. really, manila has been with me ever since i began that trek in june...and now, it is still with me, and even more stronger than ever in some ways i feel. God showed me my authority and the importance in my voice. the confidence that can be so easily hidden and shut down because of my own weaknesses. i am learning and God is pushing me by giving me all of these opportunities to speak out and take that extra step towards speaking to others and speaking out. i am learning to share who i am with others and i am learning to share who He is to others. being used as a vessel is a beautiful thing, and it can be a very humble thing. i am starting to see Him more and i am starting to see Him in strangers. even in some of my classes. it's great, it's a good thing.

for some reason i am constantly reminded of the skit by the PLM group when they sat in a circle and spoke out their questions...how do we stop the brain drain? what is my role as a filipino american?

i wouldn't say i'm haunted by these questions. rather, i am empowered by these questions, as i seek to learn more and seek to find peace in not knowing the answers, but being at peace for being able to explore these questions even more so than simply at face value.

wow, GUT. i miss manila.

and specs. and rachelle. and peace. and nicola and ate shannon and ate kimmy like the ice cream. and yi-an and just about everyone. sucks. :)

peace is living with filipina blood. you love it! i do! . yeah, that rocks. u know it.

...people from every nation and tongue, from generation to generation...