My friend so just made me cry  but then again...lately everything makes me cry. I was so just playing with him and he told me he had enough of my trash talking and told me bye! He said some song I liked was gay and I said so are you but I like ya...and he got mad.

Work sucked, we have some new cashiers that don't want to do shit and they make me want to cry too just because I don't have the time to play around with them and I just want to go to work and come home, I've changed a bit...I use to go to work and I'd play around and stuff but now I just want to get it over with and the only time I'm happy is when Jonathan works. A friend of mine (Joseph) is coming back to work because he's going to have break from school (Christmas break) so that's something to look forward to.

It's thundering and raining a whole lot right now. I get scared with thunder and lightening. This weather also reminds me of when my grandpa passed away...August 20th seems like it happen just yesterday. His b-day is on Thanksgiving day, I dunno how that's going to work out....I don't even want to think of it, it hurts.

So yeah I just wanted to say thanx to those friends of mine that don't understand that sometimes my grandpas death still gets to me and I can be a bitch but gawd I said sorry...it makes me mad at the whole world but yall don't seem to understand that. Some of my friends understand more than I expect them to. Eugene, Jonathan, Crystal and Matt...Thanx I love yall.

apRiL

Hey there, now that I have calmed down I can post something. This xanga shit pissed me the fuck off earlier, I was typing this big long ass post and then something happen and it got lost, I was so mad! I took so much time on it too. Now I'm not even going to type it again I'll just post whatever comes to mind.

I was off today, I didn't get to see or talk to Jonathan but I'll get to see him on Thursday and I can't wait. So I've decided that I'm just going to get him a gift card from one of the music stores in the mall and also a b-day card. Everyone likes music and movies so I can't go wrong there, thanx my lovely "cherry" lol.

I didn't have much of an exciting day I guess because I didn't work. That's pretty sad that the only time I have something exciting to talk about is when I work...terrible, what kind of life do I lead?

I called my Dr. since I still have not started my period, it's been two weeks! I have to go back in Friday at 10:15. I don't know whats going on with this shit! I took two test one didn't work and one was negative so I'm not pregnant unless the test was wrong and I doubt it was. Stupid mess, this is the part that I hate about being a chick!

So I wrote a letter to Jonathan and read it to my friend and asked him what he thought and he was like "Lots of love, you are the best and I think you should give it to him." He also said that he thinks that Jonathan already knows how much I appreciate his friendship, he says he can tell by the way he acts around me but who knows he could just be saying that because he's my friend!

So Cari your fuckin craz-E that comment you left me made me laugh, at first I was like wtf and then I was like hmmm ok I guess. Oh and Lisa, I work at wal-mart and we don't have sex there! Heh heH! Oh but we did find someones panties by the vending machines one time and the layaway bens, so who knows maybe people do have sex in wal-mart.

Ok well that's all for tonight I'm going to find something to do because I'm dying of boredom!

apRiL

Lets go back into the days...change of seasons makes me think about old times. Anyone else? I dunno like certain wheather makes me remember certain times of my life. Like this month really reminds me of the times Darin and I would hang out. He use to come visit me a lot and we'd watch tv and hang out among other things but I won't go into detail. I miss hanging out with him and chatting with him early in the morning before we went to work or when he'd come over before work and hang out. When people get someone new in life things really change. I didn't ever think that Darin and I would part and not talk all the time, I had a hard time staying away from him back then hell it took me a couple of years to get over him. I'm not saying that I'm not over him because I am, I don't miss the emotional pain I went through with him because we both wanted something different from eachother, but I do miss having a friend that I knew would tell me straight up and be blunt with me. Now that he has a gurlfriend we don't even talk anymore. I'm pretty sure she's a really great gurl though because Darin had high standards and he wouldn't ever settle for just any gurl!

Ok so onto another thing that this time of year makes me think of...around this time last year I had moved out of moms place and moved in with Hollie...I don't miss living with her at all though lol. It just makes me think of how much I missed home when I did leave. I know I'm 21 and a lot of people don't think it's "Cool" or the "In thing" to live with your parents but you know what, I don't even care what people think. My mother does a lot for me and no that's not why I stay at home still! So I guess this part of my post is just to say that I really do appreciate the things my mother does for me. She has raised me pretty much alone for all my 21 years of life and even though I still wonder what it would be like to have both parents, and even though sometimes I think the things I had to go through as a child (divorce, arguments, step dad never home, drugs) I still have come out to be a pretty decent person and that's all thanks to my mother!

Hmm so what now...ah I know, my sister! She's growing up and it's hard to watch her grow up and wonder what changes she's going to go through growing up, what kinds of friends she has and what types of things her friends will pressure her to do. It's just scary, she's 11 years old, she's in middle school and it seems like just yesterday that she came home weighing 7 lbs 8 oz. I don't think I have to worry too much about her, she's a really smart gurl and she loves school, she gets upset if she has a B hell I was fucking happy if I was lucky enough to get a B in school LOL...she makes B's up so that she can get an A instead. I don't think she's the type that will let things get in her way of her education and I think she's going to be everything I am not. I do know she's going to be a little emo kid LOL just bet me...I know an emo kid when I see one lmao. I love her!

Ok now I think I'm ready to tell all of you something that I have been thinking about a lot lately and surprisingly it's not about a guy LoL. So when I had went to the doctor not too long ago I thought everything was fine till she called me back and told me there was something wrong with my "physical" and that I needed to go back so that she could look at my cervix under a microscope. Ok so I went back and I dunno if it's as bad as it sounds and it's hard to explain but the reason she wanted me to go back is because I don't have cancer on my cervix but she says it looks like it could possibly be trying to develope so she asked me to go back every 6 months so that she can keep up with how that's doing and incase she sees that I am getting anything cancerous developing it can be stopped in time so that it won't fully develope and I won't get really sick or anything. It's really hard to explain and to understand but I'm sure a lot of you chix out there understand me in some sort of way. I am a little scared but then again the whole reason I have to keep going every 6 months is so that nothing will happen so I guess that's good that nothing is happening and if it does start to it can be stopped...right?

So I guess that's my interesting post for tonight, I really have to pee!!! I'm outta here.

apRiL

Ok so I may make this quick because I'm talking to Eugene right now and I told him to hold on while I updated this mess. Lets see, I woke up at like 1:30pm today and had a big ass headache, guess I slept too much. Ate some chicken and rice that was not too great and then took a shower and got ready for work.

So I get to work I see Jonathan on my way in and he kinda put his hand out and I touched him and said hi, I'm a touchy feely kind of person. I went to clock in then went to the front to cover for Jody so she could give the cashier meeting. It was totally slow today at work and very boring. OMG there was a tiny mouse there today it looked like Stewart Little and the manager found it and  stepped on it and I started crying. That was just cruel, all I could think of was poor Stewart Little getting stomped on and killed! I'm sad. They were all laughing at me because I started to cry. So yeah I went on break with Jonathan and told him about it and he laughed at me too, then a few hours later work was over.

So I was leaving from work to go home and I took Jonathan his jacket and walked off to go outside and he was like hold up. So I waited for him because he wanted to sit outside and talk before we went home. It's been really great lately now that we've been talking after work alone for about 30 min. I love it. I still don't know what to think of him liking that other gurl but he told me it was just because she's quiet like him but I dunno maybe he just don't want to hurt my feelings. She was around today when we took our break and he still opened the door for me and all that he still went in the smoking room with me when he could have stayed in there and sat with her but he never talks to anyone but me so yeah.

That Josh guy that I was telling you all about got really mad at me. I started playing the "honesty game" and started to tell him why I don't want to be with him. Well it slipped my mind that he can't drive because he can't see too well and when I said I wanted a guy that has a car that could come see me too and that I didn't want to be the one that had to do all the driving because that's just always how it has been for me...and he got all mad and took it the wrong way and said that I just didn't want to be with him b/c he can't see well. That was not it at all, I just want someone my age that has a car, a job, and wants something more than some little fling....and I want something more serious but yeah he hates me now I think, he won't even talk to me. I just want to say sorry I didn't mean it that way at all but you believe what you want.

On the other hand, I don't have much more to say, I liked that comment that was left about my blog being interesting thanx! I always thought I was pretty boring and that's why nobody ever leaves me comments. Well I'm on my way out now so I can finish talking to Eugene so laterz all!

apRiL