Hey Xangstaz...

Ok I know this is a long post but I'd really like some feedback, just to know that I'm not alone out there...

I don't even really know why I'm making and entry right now. I have so many emotions and so many thoughts runnin through my head right now... I just found a "Patient Information Binder" from when my dad was going into Radiation Therapy. Most of the crap in this binder sounds like bullshit, it sounds like they are saying,

"take this treatment to make you worse before you can get better, although there are no guaranties that you will get better..."

There is a list of symptoms that he experienced within this binder and they seem so... iuno, hard to deal with, even though I know there are alot worse things he could have been experiencing.

Also there is a section for my mother to right down questions she may have during everything and the pages are completely blank. She has a few little blurbs scribbled down at the back of the binder but most of those questions are answered within the first fucking five pages of the binder.

I wish i wasnt so damn young when this all happened [then again i wish it hadnt happened at all] maybe then I could have helped my mum understand the things that were going on, and maybe i would have been able to understand more then also.

 I feel so, iuno, so fucking helpless... I mean, there had to have been a way to save him... its just so fucking hard to believe he is gone, things were so great with him around... i was sucha daddy's girl, i remember at one point, when i was like 7, i was afraid of being alone in the dark, and i had my own room for the first time but at night i would get so scared... i would sneak out of my room with my pillow and a blanket and sleep on the floor next to where my dad slept [ him and my mum didnt sleep in the same bed cus she hated how loud he snored...or at least thats what they told me...] I dont rili remeber much about him... like i can only remember little things, and only vaugely... i cant remember the way he smelt, or the way he sounded. We use to have a recording on our answering machine of his voice saying "You've reached 654.... blah blah blah" I would be so happy to hear it, just to hear his voice. But now we dont have an answering machine... i dont even think we have that tape anymore. Fuck i miss him... you kno, its hard to believe, and its really hard to admit, but if we didnt have any pictures of him, i wouldnt even remember how he looked...

When i think about shit like this i cant help but cry... i mean, i had never let anybody see me cry over him but now, i cant really help it... so usually when im around people i avoid the topic of dads ect. also i feel really sorry for people who had to grow up without a dad, or with a horrible one, and especially girls... i believe everybody deserves good parents... i just wish it were true.

I know that by now your wondering if im ever gunna shut up, so i'll let you get back to whatever you were doing b4 you started to read this shit... thnx for reading, its nice to know that even if my family, the ppl i am suppose to trust the most dont give a shit about my feelings, complete strangers do...

Mwa Bai <333