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| week 9. whyyy- finish the 2nd half of Judith Butler's "Gender Trouble" by tomorrow (even though you didn't even read the first half).
- Have Evelyn Williams' book completely finished (even though you haven't yet started).
- Read pages 1-24 of Kuwasi Balagoon's book
- Do and bring Evelyn William's take home quiz and turn it in
- Bring your reading log on the second half of EvelynWilliams and/or the few pages in Kuwasi Balagoon's book (even though, again, you still haven't started reading either of them).
- meet with Derrick & Michelle at 9 AM to film
- plan out group stuff with Pia, Roland, and Kimbo.
- class 1-:50, 2-3:20, 7-9:50 (thank God class at 11 was canceled)
- "meeting" at 10pm.
- 15 page paper...
- go to bank because you are broke.
- pick up contacts because your eyes are finally okay again (...i think)
- statement of intent.
( i know i'm missing stuff.)
A typical day in the life of Krystle Larioza. breathe, stretch, shake, let it go.
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| Ninong DaveI woke up this morning crying pretty hard. I don't know why, exactly, but my Ninong Dave was in my dream last night. It's hella random but I was trapped in this house because people were trying to kill me. They had guns. I was just in my room, alone, trying to hide. Then this group of about 5 kids was trying to break into the house and then into my room. They opened the door successfully, and quite quickly. The next thing I know I have a gun in my hand and I tell these other kids, my cousins, to stand against the wall and I'm yelling at them (mind you, still with a gun in my hand) because they let the other group of 5 kids break into my house. While all of this is going on there are random people walking around. Two (buff) guys are each wearing a black zip up jacket with pink trim on the side, and across it there are (Greek) letters. Clearly, though, he's not from the organization that his letters say he is from. I get scared and I'm walking around during all of the mayhem... and my Ninong Dave is there with me. He smiled at me, but I kept walking around trying to figure out how to hide and be safe from whoever was originally trying to hurt me. Those two buff guys with black and pink jackets stepped outside to the backyard/patio area. I think they were trying to play it off that they were strippers but I knew that there was something suspicious about them, so I followed them outside. I was really scared. Next thing I knew, I find out they really were just faking it and they were accomplices with "the man" trying to kill me. (I found out that the killer was just one, mysterious person still inside the room somewhere.) I run back inside trying to protect my family who is there and I see my Ninong Dave again. Even though I am frantic, and I don't want to shoot my gun at anyone (even if it is to protect myself), my Ninong Dave--who also still had his gun--jokingly asked me to go to the other room and we would just pretend shooting it or practice shooting it.
After this, I woke up and I was crying for a good 10 minutes. I don't usually have crazy dreams like this and I haven't woken up crying since I was a little kid. I forgot to mention that my Ninong Dave passed away when I was 10. It's been a while since I've last had one but I still have dreams about him because he was very close to me and my family. Even though I'm not sure why I started crying--maybe it was the fact that I dreamt of him for the first time after so long--but I know what made me continue crying was when I thought of what it all means. He was the only person (other than Tiffanie somewhere in the beginning of the dream who was outside telling me that the kids broke into my house) who stuck out as a person from my real life in ths dream. On top of that, he was the only one who was in the house with me the I really knew, looked up to, and trusted. He was trying to joke around and make me smile even during a really bad time, and that was something that he did in real life. It's something that I really miss the most about him. I don't remember much from my childhood but I do remember how my Ninong had the ability to always made me smile. Maybe it was just a reminder from him to remember that he is still here with me to guide & protect me, even though he physically isn't and hasn't been for the past 10 years of my life. One of my biggest motivations when I'm feeling frustrated with school is my Ninong because he always encouraged me by telling me I was smart and really wanted me to finish college. It's crazy too because I was getting pretty frustrated last night because of one of my classes...it's Wednesday of 1st week and I already had an assignment due and I was trippin out because I couldn't access the reading for it online (on e-reserve...boo) until I figured it out at 1:30 AM! I stayed up til 7 (maybe I had a crazy dream because I only had 2 and a half hours of sleep) doing the reading and the assignment. I was thinking about dropping the class but I guess this dream goes to show that I need to stick everything out, no matter how hard it gets...
I still miss my Ninong Dave. =(
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| school teaches me about life...I found these from my Week 4 notes (it's currently week 6) when i was studying for my Deviance midterm last night...
Emotion is life so through maturity you’ve got
to learn to deal with these stresses and strains.
word.
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| But...What if we're all just waiting around for that someone else to take initiative? I always take initiative in the different aspects of my life (with the exception of one thing--nowadays, at least), but, that "someone else" may not even be there in the first place. They may be waiting around, expecting you to do the exact same thing that you want them to do. So basically, we're all potentially just sitting around expecting something to come out of nothing.
This is why I've learned to accept my life as it is: to be happy with where I am in my personal life, to set my own terms and conditions on how I want to live, to change myself according to my own view of my own future, and to never change myself for anyone else. I'm stronger than that. I'm have more self-confidence than that. I had a really frustrating conversation last night which completely justified my skeptical point of view about guys. Sure, there are good guys out there, but the jerks fuck it up for all of you. Sorry! =) At the same time, I had a conversation with one of those "nice guys" who told me how he feels like it's a never-ending circle: guys think girls are complicated for this reason, then girls think guys are complicated for that reason... but then the guy brings a comeback as to why girls are complicated... then it just keeps going.
It could all be so simple, though: all we have to do is be happy with ourselves as we are; when someone comes around who makes us even happier, along with a strong, shared, attraction that goes beyond that happiness, then maybe, just maybe, something great could develop. But no matter what, there's never a guarantee. That's something we just have to accept. I think we're all just complicating something that is really simple because we think we can find that simple happiness in people who aren't the right ones to bring it to us. We try to justify and rationalize with the "I like him because ______" statements and "He does (this) and it makes me feel (this way)" when really, if you really like someone, you don't need to explain to anyone why because it's nobody's happiness but your own that you're dealing with. Maybe it's too selfish and maybe I'm being too simplistic. I probably am. People care too much about what other people think, in my opinion (though, I'm no exception at times). But I dunno...all I'm saying is I just really think things could be so much more simple. I've made my share of mistakes but that's all they are now to me: mistakes in the past to be learned from. When I know what I want in life, I go for it in whatever way I feel is comfortable...if I get what I want, cool. If I don't, I just accept that it wasn't meant to be and move on instead of sitting around and dwelling on it. Oooh how I love the wisdom that comes with being single. I know God's just helping me be the best "me" I can before the right one comes along. =)
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| i just want to say...I love my life. That's all! =) | | |
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