'cos you give me something that makes me scared.... alright? this could be, nothing but im willing to give it a try i think the one thing that keeps me from doing anything, is disappointment. not fear, or regret. disappointment is the one thing i cant handle. i remember in yr7, we were at our first metro comp, and the big girls team ie ivy's team, were down a few players, and asked ying and myself to play. i was soooo awesomely excited, i couldnt belive they asked me. a while later, i went to some training sessions with them. their coach was purportedly (is that the right word?) a great coach who produced results. however, his technique is to try to coax ourselves to be able to bring the best out of us, and the only negative feedback he ever gave was this *sigh and a *disappointed look. the first time i got that look i almost cried. how can it be easier to play under a coach that yells and throws things at you is just.... me. i know that with jen ying sarah that i will never disappoint them and they will never disappoint me, because i have fallen in love them entirely but how is it that the more you know somebody, the more you have the capacity to disappoint them? the more you care about something, the more hung up you are about disappointing them? When they arrive on the doorstep of your life, they should come with a tick box telling you all the things you can do to disappoint them so that you can get them over with first and then go on with your life. or is there more to this? is disappointment really a facade for something? a feeling that is designed to be the superficial response for the interaction of a multitude of emotions happening somewhere inside you? is it an extension of jealousy? that you're doing somehting else, experiencing something else that doesnt warrant the other person's existence? is it an extension of feelings of inadequacy that they cant be there somehow? all these ngeative emotions then project back onto you in the guise of "disappointment?" or.... is this whole post just crazy girl logic? | 
