. .. . Oh man.. I called mom later that night at like 2 AM…

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I called mom later that night at like 2 AM n I almost started crying . . .  She goes "Just bare with me" I hella realized.. Theres like 1% of her.. My real true Mama.. Weaving in n out.. She can't control.. Not in the least bit.. And I know how she feels.. None of its controllable.. You can't ever control your feelings.. Feeling upset.. As much as you honestly, genuinely push yourself to happiness.. Good for fucking you.. It doesnt work.. Then you do something TOTALLY random.. N you're like.. WTF!!?!?!? Why the hell did I just do that? What made me say that? Omg!... Its like something is being sewn.. You're weaving two sides together.. Going through one side.. Sliding to the other.. Wtf.. You can control it tho.. If never having it you're like.. Shut the fuck up n be happy.. Quit acting weird.. I don't think you can tell I'm depressed.. I think I fake it.. Even though deep inside I dont feel good.. At home I totally cant control it.. A whole different person takes over my body n makes me do the weirdest things.. Say the meanest things.. Throw HORRID hissy fits.. Holy shit ok.. You know like goths n shit... "I'm depressed.. I hate the world.. Fuck the world.. Fuck life.. I wanna kill myself" Ok.. I think thats like.. An attention factor.. Thats stupidity.. And it pisses me off.. See.. Shit like that I find myself thinking.. Then I'll snap out n be like WTF????!!!! NOOO ALANNA! WHY ARE YOU THINKING THAT! HOLY SHIT! N I cant help it but.. It just like.. Takes over.. Its like weird..</P> <P>Kk.. I tried explaining it as much as I could.. Sheen just got home.. Gunna go talk to her...</P></td></tr><tr><td width="5%"> </td><td><span class="smalltext">Posted 8/13/2004 4:55 AM<span class="itemviews" > - 1 view</span> - 0 comments<br><br><script type="text/javascript" src="http://s.xanga.com/scripts/stars.js"></script><script type="text/javascript"> function recommendAJAX() { } </script> <div class="itemawards feedback"><ul><li class="heart"><strong>recommend</strong><a href="#" title="Recommend this" style="" id="recommendButtonEnabled" onclick="recommendAJAX(); return false;" ><img onclick="alert('Please sign in to recommend this item.')" src="http://s.xanga.com/images/heartg.gif" alt="Recommend this" onmouseover="this.src='http://s.xanga.com/images/hearto.gif';" onmouseout="this.src='http://s.xanga.com/images/heartg.gif';" /></a><a href="#" title="You have already recommended this item." style="display:none" id="recommendButtonAlreadyRecd" onclick="alert('You have already recommended this item.'); return false;" ><img 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