As a teenager, I never cared to experiment due to playing sports where I ran track, played tennis and b-ball. For whatever reason, I always frowned upon it as if it made those people bad seeds. That included even close friends I hung out with.I just never understood why they smoked weed.

What was it about it? Was it the joy of lighting up getting high? Was it the joy of it being illegal as a way for them to rebel? Was it just to be cool? Whatever their motives, they did it and had fun. Did this make me boring? Hardly. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I was the most creative person at that stage of my life. However, I always was entertaining to my friends cracking jokes and being my random rambunctious self.

I might not have lit up but I enjoyed underage drinking as much as the rest of my Staten Island clan. There was always something great about being able to hangout and purchase booze somewhere with fake IDs and then chill in some abandoned spot afterwards talking about whatever. Not that I would've passed for legal as I was the youngest looking 17 year-old you'll ever see. God. I wish I had my old driver's license. Yikes. No wonder that pretty younger redhead who delivered papers basically couldn't believe I was behind the wheel. Haha.

So, what was it about underage drinking or smoking even if I didn't? It was always the in thing to do and always will be appealing for any teen. And why shouldn't they explore? I'm not saying that if you don't try that you're not cool. To each their own. I've always maintained that each one of us is our own unique individual who brings so much to the table. If one chooses not to break the rules, that's their own right and should be respected and not frowned upon by others. Like that's going to happen? Especially with all the cliques which develop at that stage. Peer pressure much?!?!?!?!?!

I can recall hanging out and getting pretty buzzed off a 40 of Krazy Horse. That stuff was nasty. Oh. But not in a bad way if you catch my drift. Isn't it weird how a guy who hasn't touched alcohol in a couple of months due to rededicating himself is here talking about his past history and able to smile and laugh about those fun times?

Honestly, I loved being that age because we're were all so young and carefree able to do what we wanted without worrying much. Sure. We had to be careful if we hung outside in some schoolyard or abandoned park because of cops. Like they didn't have anything better to do. Still, I wouldn't trade it for much cause those were the best freaking days of my life.I got some friendly advice for people that age. Enjoy it while ya can cause getting older sucks. And no. I don't feel old. If you saw me on a street corner, you wouldn't think I was a day over 22 or 23.

In fact, I feel really young and alive after doing a three and a half mile walk with Pop at Clove Lakes. It was the old varsity course where I had many cross country meets. That included three hills. I've been staying in shape by doing a lot of leg work (leg curls, press-220 now, leg exercises, etc.), sit ups and some arms and shoulders as well. What was so revealing was that the first time I finally did a walk in a couple of weeks, I didn't break a sweat. Best aspect was those three hills including Cardiac Hill (Kill) had zero affect on me. I felt like I could start running again.Honestly, I haven't felt this good in a few years. The best decision I ever made was to get back in shape. I now have so much more energy than before. I'm very pleased thus far with the results and have been able to stay at my weight of 165 which is excellent for being 5-11 and a half.

So, what does it have to do with suddenly changing my tune on trying weed? Not much except that it's all part of my new philosophy which is do as much as I can. The past few years, I didn't do this either cause I was addicted to being online (message boards which I quit-another smart decision) or due to my brother's situation. It was easy to be distracted and not to think about what was best for myself. I used to be able to run all day on the court, etc.

Now, I've decided I want that back. The smoking comes in cause I finally decided I was curious enough to try it hanging with my bro's friends. They're mad cool and fun to be around. What is so bad about smoking some marijuana every once in a while? It's not as bad as smoking cigarettes or cigars or doing serious drugs God forbid. And no. I've never done a hard drug in my life and never will. I can still recall all the HS kids from Tottenville who bought those cheap cigars from Shell just so they could take out that garbage and roll up.

I love watching my friends roll blunts. It's great. There seems to be an art to it. They're even teaching me the right way to smoke it. I know. I know. Imagine what my Mom would say if she found out:

"How could you Der----ekkk?!?!?!?!?! What's wrong with you? You haven't got a steady job due to your crazy pursuit of your sports career. You are supposed to be getting older! Why aren't you hanging out with people your age?"

Part of this convo has taken place. The latter version earlier last night while catching up. When I told her I planned to check out this kid's jazz band in Park Slope, she asked immediately about the age group to which I replied:


You can just imagine the reaction. Can I ask why it matters who I hang with? What? I'm not hip enough to chill with a younger crowd. I'm not a kid anymore even though at times I still act like it. I'm not going to lie. I love to have fun. That shouldn't stop just cause you get older.

Maybe that's what this new part-time hobby is about. I always wanted to be cool. And it's true. I am. It's just that some people probably don't even know it. In the past, I always tried to play it by the book and be this clean cut kid who was raised right here in NYC by two loving and caring parents and with a younger brother who idolized me. Now, what does he have to look up to? Sure. I'm working as hard as I can but unless I better my financial situation meaning something more than the writing due to how hard this industry is, I'm fooling myself.

It's true that I want to have fun and not work that hard during the summer and so far, I've done that with the exception of covering the Staten Island minor league team out by the Ferry Terminal. But as my therapist told me, eventually I'm going to have to make a decision. I know I have plenty to show people if I so choose that path. I'm very smart. I just am lacking direction.

Apparently, not when it comes to chilling and trying pot. So, who of our respective Xanga-ers in this cool world thinks it's bad to smoke weed? I just don't buy it anymore. I think our government is hypocritical when it comes to it.

One of my heroes Bob Marley had it right all along.

One Love.

"All Alone"
by Derek Felix

There you stand all by yourself
Looking around for a little help
Wondering what you should do
When deep down you got no clue

It's clear as day what's on your mind
But you don't know how to find
You're confused and lost inside
Wishing you had a place to hide

All alone
In every way
All alone
On this day

You search for answers but come up empty
Throwing you off even more into further fury
Uncertain of which way to go
If only you could be shown

Instead you sit there in a daze
As if you smoked some purple haze
But that's not even close to the case
Just that your head's in outer space

All alone
Over there
All alone
Pointing to nowhere

There you stand pondering how to address
But there you stay and continue to obsess
Upset that you can't figure out how to turn the page
With no idea how to make necessary changes

If only your brain wasn't on vacation
You'd have the answers to make a proclamation
But there you are like one of those distant stars
Feeling as if you're really on Mars

All alone
For today
All alone
Just make it go away