Falling in Love- with a friend

When being introduced to someone new, one will automatically judge if the individual is potential relationship or fling material.  And over the next few times of chilling together, whether alone or in a group, that person will either become a friend or a lover, or will remain an acquaintance.  But occasionally an individual we have deemed as a friend will suddenly be seen in a different light.  A transformation magically occurs and we begin to think "what if".  "what if we dated"?  "what if we have sex"?  "what if they are the one"?  Rules of dating and our normal "pick-up" routines can no longer be considered.  We keep our feelings to ourselves, meanwhile having butterflies anytime our new object of affection, our friend, is around.  We debate whether we should risk the perfect friendship to tell them about our romantic enlightenment.  I mean, the chances are 50/50- not bad, right?    But thinking back, we have seen a lot of our own friends go through similar dilemmas and we would rather continue a great friendship than risk putting it in jeopardy.  Finally we decide to bury our feelings and get on with our lives.

Over the years, I've had 2 or 3 very close guy friends admit to me that they had secret feelings for me.  And with each guy I had to sweetly and politely inform that I couldn't possibly have romantic feelings towards them because they were like brothers to me.  And before you say "what a cliche" you have to understand that it is true.  I tend to make friends easily and at any given time I have 5 or 6 really close guy friends.  Friends that I confide every little detail of my life, no matter how embarrassing or mundane.  We spend so much time together that we practically are siblings.  I always gave them major props for having the balls to risk our friendship at the chance of a relationship with me.  I would never let things get awkward between us after my rejection and I would patch things up quite quickly until we were back to being the best of friends.   I never really gave the idea of dating a friend a thought until I realized that I was in love- with one of my closest guy friends.

"Love you gorgeous" he said as we were ending our telephone conversation and as I said "Love you too, hun"  and hung up the phone I realized that I actually loved him.  And not in the brotherly way that I always had.  Suddenly it had hit me hard- Not only did I love him, but I was in love with him!  I tried to push the idea out of my mind and collect my thoughts but memories of our one year friendship flooded my brain.  After a year of a close friendship like ours, I was already in "the sisterly zone".  Why the hell did I not realize that I liked him when I first met him?  And if he had ANY feelings towards me he would have mentioned it at some point during the past year, right?  I realized that when I first met him I was in a failing relationship that I was trying hard to fix.  I was too preoccupied with my relationship for the next four months that I didn't give him a second thought as more than a friend.  He was a shoulder to cry on during those turbulent months and he would try to cheer me up by going out with me to my favorite hangout spots.  I introduced him to my friends and suddenly he became a staple in my life.  We were the life of parties and once there we would go our separate ways but keep in close contact, always making our rounds back to one another.  Several times he would pass out drunk in my bed or crash with me when he needed a place to stay.  And even with a male body inches away from me in my own bed everything was platonic and friendly.  We would tell each other stories of our lives and eventually pass out with an arm draped casually around the other's body.  We were comfortable in these situations, as one always is when the friendship is platonic, and nothing more.

Now, only days after realizing my true feelings towards him, I have made my decision.  I will not disclose my love for him.  I have a 50% chance of him being in love with me too, right?  But what if he's not in love with me too and our friendship suddenly becomes awkward and dwindles away?  If I do not tell him that I am in love with him there is a 100% chance of our friendship remaining the same.  Besides, if you are in love with someone would you rather risk pushing them away or would you rather stay quiet and keep them close to your heart?  I have made my decision, and I am keeping him close to my heart.

But, if I had the courage to tell him, this is what I would say:  I'm in love with you and if it wouldn't jeopardize our friendship I would tell you exactly that.  I love the way you grin at me when you're being mischievous.  I love how amazing your smile is and how it makes me speechless each time I see it.  I love how I feel when you hug me tightly- like I'm invincible and nothing in the world can destruct me because you are there beside me.  I love how my head feels against your shoulder.  I love how you're so comfortable with me that you tell me about your past and dreams for the future.  I love how sensitive, sweet, and caring you are.  I love when you call me "gorgeous".  When you say "I love you" I long to tell you not only do I love you too, but I am also in love with you.  I love you so much that I am never going to tell you so, because I want to keep you in my life.  Relationships and love will always come and go in our lives but I promise you our friendship will last a lifetime.