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| | At 9:30pm Oct. 16, over a converstion on the cell phone, Alex and I
broke up.... If I never see you guys again, I just wanted to say its
been great meeting you all. Take care and give the rest of the crew my
best wishes.... goodbye. Rob
..............
....now....a week later...
So I finally dug myself out of the hole I put myself in. I had many
reasons why I got as bad as I did and no I don't put any blame on the
other party. Relationships come and go and they hurt when they don't
work out. I have known this because of the countless times I have been
involved in relationships. Most of them have been very long lasting
relationships. Each time one ended I was left to dwell on what
happened, what was it that I did wrong, and so on. To some of them that
failed I knew the reasons why they did. To most others, I am still
asking myself if I could have done anything else differently to have
done anything to be where I pictured myself to be already by now. With
my last, most recent break up... I just didn't see it coming. I was
packing Monday night to go her perform Friday night or sometime over
the up coming weekend. I was looking forward to seeing her on stage,
one becaused I just missed her, and two, because I have tried to be
there for her thru every crazy rehearsal where one person didn't show
up or just something else that might have gone wrong. Trying to fully
support her goals and activities that kept her busy, away from the
relationship. I was proud of her and still em because I hear that the
past 2 weeks now have been nothing but great shows. So I know she did
just great choreographing all the dance sequences for the play that she
is in. I was looking foward to seeing her on stage and now.... I don't
even know if she would even want me to go see it.
I ended up packing early because I knew that I will be busy pretty much
all week with things and knowing that I might be out of town for the
entire weekend once again, I thought I get all the things done and out
of the way, which included packing for my trip to go see her. Just
alittle after I finally finished, I got a phone call from her and thats
when she found it hard to tell me what she had to say. She wanted to
call off the relationship because it wasn't far to keep me waiting.
That she couldn't find the time for the relationship, for me. So why
keep me in a relationship if she was getting back into old habits...
sigh... I laid there on my bed, comfortable, expecting a nice
conversation and instead, I laid there numb as if I had just died... I
couldn't bring myself to say the things I wanted to say, or ask if
there was anything I could do to change her mind... instead I just
supported her like I have done in the past and respected her wishes to
end the relationship. Just like that when I thought all things were
grand and perfect as they should have been. I was faced with a break up
that almost hurt ten times more then compared to all other past
breakups put together. Compared to some of the other past
relationships, I saw it coming and/or I could blame it on someone else,
like another guy. That would put me not at fault. But this time, I was
blinded sided and it was as if someone just took the rug out from
underneath me but instead of falling on the floor, I fell back into a
bed of nails or spikes. This time I found myself asking what was it I
did so wrong to justify ending what I thought was a good relationship.
Sure we were in a long distance relationship but the beauty of it was,
because she was busy and I was busy, we wouldn't have gotten into each
others ways and plans. Yet, I thought we would have just planned time
to get together between both of our schedules. After thinking all
that, I couldn't understand how or why we were breaking up. There was
so many things I wanted to say at that moment but I just closed my eyes
as we talked, I pictured us talking for the last time in person, as I
saw her walk away and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I
don't blame her nor can I hate her or want anyone else to do so. If she
had her reasons... she had them... and thats all I can do because I
told her how I felt about her and I kept true to myself, to the end. In
so many ways I still feel that way about her, even after what I have
done to hurt myself and maybe others around me. I respected her wishes
to be out of the relationship and as that saying goes, if you truly
love someone, you let them go.... I have never had someone come back to
me and I don't expect this one to be any different....
So I took entire bottle of pain killers and drank myself down 6 or some
bottles of hard liquor. I made my way up to Reston Town Center, to a
spot I am very familiar with, to the top of the parking garage and
watched the stars fade away as I passed out. I don't remember what
happened after the stars. I woke up Thursday morning as some security
found me in my car. I was taken to some office and asked some questions
and given coffee, soon after that, I started throwing up anything if
not everything that was in my stomach. When I got home, I noticed that
everyone and their grandma called. I must have had missed like 30 some
calls. I was super surprised when a girl that I hardly know, blew up my
phone. So she was the first person I called back. I made my way down
the list and called people to let them know I was ok, as I made my way
to the bathroom to do more throwing up, through out the day. I just
finally finished putting back my myspace site together since I mangled
it before I left on Monday. To all those of you that have left comments
on my last blog, left comments on the profile page, or just left
private messages to see how I was doing, thank you for asking, thank
you for everything, and sorry for making you all worry.
Now as sit here typing this, I can tell you all that I am doing much
better. Still thinking of a girl that I don't know if she is thinking
about me.I heard that she is or was fighting with some of her friends
and I wish she didn't or that her friends would not fight with her but
instead be there for her, as I would think that her choice wasn't an
easy one to make, nor was it easy for her to have to confront me with
it. As I sit here, I still wish her the best with her goals and dreams
of being an actress. I feel nothing less then what I felt for her when
we were still together. Maybe a break was all we needed... I don't
know, we never got a chance to test a break from the relationship. She
speaks of acting and says that "Theater is my life" and will dismiss
anyone that might get in the way of her dreams. I wish her the best
with that and I know she will make it big because she has a lot of
talent and I shit you not, I have heard how good she it and I wouldn't
be surprise to see her making it really big one day. I just really hope
that when that day comes and she stands before hundreds of people there
to see the performance, that she sees a few familiar faces and that
they aren't all strangers. I hope that after the show when her and the
rest of her cast is in the backstage and the cast is being greeted by
love ones, that she won't be at her dressing room with no one to give
her flowers and say you were great. I hope she doesn't dismiss the many
other friends along the way to making it big, all for the sake of being
focus only on theater and theater people.
I have lived and done many things in my life and I can only wish that I
had someone there to share my achievements with in the end of the day.
I wouldn't want her to see the card that has been dealt to me for as
long as I can remember. Its one thing to do many great things but there
even a greater sense of achievement when you can bring someone else
from outside the box or and have them none involved and yet cheering
you on, proud to know someone like me for doing the things I have done,
no matter how great or small it is. I wanted to be that one person that
could cheer for her, and tell her everything will work out for the best
after all the exhausting rehearsal and being over critical about things
cus the opening day is only days away. I wanted to be the one person
there to watch the show and really appreciate above all others, all the
hard work that she had put in. With flowers in hand and a smile on my
face I wanted to be the one to great her in the back stage for a job
well done. I suppose I was selfish to have wanted to be that person
above all others..... This is it for now. I must go and still recover
cus my head and stomach is in very much pain as I am getting tunnel
vision looking at this screen for as long as I have now.
Goodnight,
Rob | | | Posted 10/25/2006 5:56 PM - 2 comments
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