| The stupidest person i know yet the smartest person i know. The only person i know...me. I say to love is to know...and i dont. I dont know. As much as i think i know. i found that deep down i dont know. Im not sure why i dont know. This nut shell is to hard for me to crack. looking at it makes we want to break the shell and admire the nut for its true beauty...but i cant. its to hard, this sugar coated shell that i have tasted more than a bunch of times. i kno the whole shell. but bits of the inside seep out a whole. A whole i went over many a times but have never seen it. this clue, hint, the nut wanting me to figure out how to get it but wont let me...maybe this is the nut. The nut i have been wanting, is this it? Its not what was described to me by otheres. this must be the shell.
My lamp is nulled by thick smoke. I sit here with a pen some pills and this paper. The last few sips of the sixth bottle i drink to you my love. heres to you. Down goes my sorrows, fears, worries, problems, my questions, all drowned in these last sips. As i fall away from this moment to wake up in the begining of this fucking cycle. to end up back to the same god forsaken chair with the yells and tears and the same lamp and pills and pen....
And my thoughts that i think all the time. these thoughts so fresh, so ripe in my mind, these thoughts that you made your actions, these stupid thoughts i shall think no more. these thoughts of the simple jump or the swift cut of the easy swallow the last breath, in hopes for a better tomorrow....shall never come. These thoughts now words in a box like a cat in a bag, clawing and fighting its way out. locked up in this prison that will never open again.
And when you see this my love, that i have thought the same as you, attempted the same as you, went through the same as you, know you, i love you. you will see that. and i have come to understand my dear that like different languages this special feeling is expressed in many different ways...all meaning the same thing. I think different now because of you, i have seen the truth behind it all. for now it has made me a better person in public as the waste of this goodness eats my lungs away to the last breath, rips my throught away to the last sip...all gone to nothingness as i fall away...to a better tomorrow.....the false hopes and lies floating to everyone else and these flames consume whatever pure is in me....burnt to ash that floats at sea never opened again.....so only to myself i can confess everything, only to myself i can be honest, that i can analyze, that i can cry and to know one else cause i only know myself in the end and all else is worthless unless i can share these thoughts....to you my love...and i understand this life for what its worth....nothing if not having fun..nothing if not with feelings strong...nothing...nothing...at all....
But i think i love you...but what am i so afraid of...i guess im not so sure if its the right thing to say...my timing...i am the stupidest person i know....
The thing i really need is the ability to express myself...say what i really want to say..get things off my chest...get peoples opinion..thats why im writing things i think...i need a shoulder..a true friend i can tell and that person will understand and not tell, a secret silent bond..thats what i really want...thats what everone wants..to let people know how they feel....we can return the favor by listening..we need more trust in the world...trust....thats the only way... |
