It’s that feeling you get.
The one where everything feels like a story,
You start writing it up in your head.
Like your mind is a type writer.
You change a few things.
Just to make it a little more interesting.
Constantly trying to go back and reverse the ending,
But it never works.
You always end up right back where you started writing.
as she silently read and turned
through the pages of her diary,
tears slowly streamed down her
beautiful face as she vowed never
to fall in love again.
life isn't a destination - it's a journey.
we all come upon unexpected curves and turning points -
everything that happens to us shapes who we are becoming,
and in the adventure of each day, we discover the important things in life
and why they are important.
She builds high walls around her
heart cause she knows no one can
climb that high. That way, when
no one else is able to reach the top,
which is what she knows is going to
happen, she won't be disappointed.
they'll pass each other in the halls
and they'll both exchange glances
but don't speak to each other cause
they're both afraid of taking chances.
& I don't want to see
you anymore. I'm just
not that strong. I love it
when you're here, but
I'm better when you're gone.
they say when you love someone, it lasts forever.
well maybe the love lasts forever
but people get tired of tears, tired of wishing & waiting,
tired of being broken hearted.
take no one for granted because the truth is
no one waits forever.
but here's a thanks for summer i will always remember<3
flashlights under the covers;
raindrops on my tongue.
when life had no distractions,
and love wasn't hurting anyone.
my fingers catch sparks
at the thought of them
touching you. <3
it's never easy to
understand why memories
hold our hands
but people let go. <3
i know forever isn't long enough
to forget the faces and places
that played out your tragedy <3
Somewhere, deep in your heart,
there is someone you are dying to forget
but also living to remember.
He asked me if I was alright.
I looked at him, speechless.
"Yeah" I said. Then I thought
about it, and I looked into his eyes
as mine filled with tears. "No."
It's agony. Complete, excruciating agony. It's like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and stomped on and you can't breathe.. you don't want to eat, you can't function. It's.. it's the most intense pain that you'll ever feel and the worse part is there's no way to relieve it. It's unyielding merciless torture and you know, that it's yours for life.
When I cut myself I feel so much better. All the little things that might have been annoying me suddenly seem so trivial because I'm concentrating on the pain. I'm not a person who can scream and shout, so this is my only outlet. It's all done very logically
I just wanted to replace one kind of a pain with another - and I thought physical pain would be much easier to deal with. When I cut myself there was something to show for the hurt I was feeling.
it's just another day where nothing seems to go right. just another day where I won't sleep at night it's just another day of not getting over you a day spent thinking about what should I do..another day wondering do you feel the same. that's the same question that keeps driving me insane.
So tonight I'll sit & pick apart your pictures
& overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard.
You were my compass.
Leading me to nowhere fast
Promises were lonely roads
I followed you down like a map
we have four years to be irresponsible
relax; work is for people with jobs. you'll never
remember class time, but you'll remember time
hanging out with your friends. so stay out late
go out on a tuesday night when you have a
paper due wednesday. spend money you dont have
& drink until the sunrise. the work never ends
but highschool does
Music has a way of reaching into the hidden corners of the mind and heart and stirring the soul.
It's like going too high on the playground swings and taking polaroids to show where it all began. Laying down, out of breath, pink cheeks. It's love and I don't want anything else. It just feels right for once in my life.
My lips they tremble from this silence
And I'd rather chew on razor blades
Than say the words I wanna say
Someday when we've been together for a very long time, we'll turn out the lights & slow dance on the porch. You'll finish my sentences & I'll borrow your glasses, we'll wonder where the time went. & at night we'll roll to the middle of our old bed into one another's arms where we'll kiss & hold each other & dream the secrets that only old lovers know.
i'm sorry but i'm scared that my heart will
regret all of the things that i have done.
breathe in all the ashes of my mistakes.
gently collapse so no one will notice
you're falling too short of your breath.
i've wasted more time dreaming than living.
Don’t ignore the lies you’re bleeding. <3
I know; we're complete strangers now.
We both pretend like we don't care,
but I can feel the tension as much as you can.
I know how to hide my feelings from your piercing stare
& no matter what you think, I still miss you.
Sometimes you just can't tell someone how you feel. Not just cause you don't trust them, & not cause you think they will call you a freak. but cause you can never really find the right words to make them understand. &it makes you frustrated. People take things 100 different ways, & that's why it's so hard. But if what you're trying to say, is meant to be said.. it will find a way to be understood
I'd been depressed before, of course. But I'm talking about really depressed. Not just feeling a bit down or sad, a depression that has something to do with biorhythms. I'm talking about the kind of depressed that floats in upon you like a fog. You can feel it coming and you can see where it is going to take you but you are powerless, utterly powerless to stop it. I know now.
I'm sure it's connected with self-loathing. You mark yourself because you feel you can't make a mark anywhere else.
'Cutting myself was something beyond despair, something very extreme,' Johnstone says, speaking in quiet tones. 'It's about trying to get to something. The physical act is a metaphor of trying to access something that is frozen. Something between who you were and since the depression who you've moved to and there's this thick layer of ice and you can't get to yourself. You're really excavating to try and find yourself again. It's a positive act even though people around you find it horrible, self-destructive, terrifying and think that you have literally gone crazy. - "A Head Full of Blue" by Nick Johnstone
But depression is not a sudden disaster. It is more like a cancer: At first its tumorous mass is not even noticeable to the careful eye, and then one day—wham!—there is a huge, deadly seven-pound lump lodged in your brain or your stomach or your shoulder blade, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you. Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won’t even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live.
With a thousand different voices ringing in your ear;
listen to the whisper only the heart can hear.
You've never really lived if
there isn't anyone you'd die for.
Now I'm itching for the tall grass & longing for the breeze.
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe.
Well.. I didn't mean for it to go as far as it did.
& I didn't mean to get so close & share what we did.
I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did. & you didn't
mean to love me back, but I know that you did.
We spent our nights on the sidewalks.
Streetlights and stop signs held our destiny.
We peeled out through the intersection,
hoping to feel a little more free.
But kids like us arent lucky enough.
Yeah, we will never get out of this town.
Choose to love ;; rather than hate.
Choose to laugh ;; rather than cry.
Choose to create ;; rather than destroy.
Choose to persevere ;; rather than quit.
Choose to praise ;; rather than gossip.
Choose to heal ;; rather than wound.
Choose to give ;; rather than steal.
Choose to act ;; rather than procrastinate.
Choose to grow ;; rather than rot.
Choose to pray ;; rather than curse.
Choose to live ;; rather than die.
We were young & dumb but it still was fun
& I guess these things just tend to fall apart.
You listen to your modern music, go ahead
and whine along. You're so busy being different,
you don't realize that you are singing all the same song.
You're standing at the door, and I'm falling to the floor.
You look even better than you did before.
I'm staring at my feet, wondering if I can do this.
It's been awhile but I couldn't forget you.
It’s undeniable how brilliant you are.
In an unreliable world you shine like a star.
It’s unforgettable now that we've come this far.
It’s unmistakable that you’re undeniable.
and if you fall,
you fell because you tried.
And for some unknown reason, our status will remain as friends.
when all is said & done, you're a part of me, that's the way it was meant to be, people are brought together for a reason, everything happens for a reason, I believe the reason you & me were brought together was cause we complete each other, we fill in each others missing spaces, the empty holes, the blind spots, with love, & if someday God decided to tear us apart, I trust that there is a reason, cause if there's a reason for love, there's a reason for life beyond it.
You hurt me by ignoring me
You hurt me with your smile of confusion.
You hurt me by telling me you loved me,
when you really didn't.
You hurt me by lying & telling me it's the truth.
You hurt me by staring at me like you care
& then closing your eyes as if I'm not there.
You hurt me by saying 'hi' & 'bye'
& then talking about me, behind my back.
You hurt me by telling me there was no one else
&, then, I saw you with another.
You hurt me.
One day you'll love me as I loved you;
one day you'll think of me as I thought of you;
one day you'll cry for me as I cried for you;
one day you'll want me but I won't want you.
The days go by the nights don't change
the stars still spell out your name.
I will wait for you.
The world has let me down
or is it you're just not around
I've lost my reason,
& all the memories
every smile you gave to me
you can keep them.
Its not simple. “moving on” everyone makes it seem like it's so easy to do.
But what happens when everything around you reminds you of him?
What happens when you can't go a day thinking about what he might be doing at that second? What happens before falling asleep,
you wonder what you did wrong & the reasons why it ended.
But most of all,
you tear yourself apart with the question. “does he ever think about me?”
Don't feel stupid for missing him, even if he treated you like shit.
you still had happy memories. & you're always going to miss them.
don't try to replace him, cause you won't. just get through each day
& eventually it'll get better. i promise. eventually someone will come
into your life, & whether or not you realize it, they're going to be
something special to you. so don't throw yourself at every guy you see,
trying to replace him, or at least dull the memories. cause you're only
going to make yourself see how hard he is to replace. someone better
will eventually come along.
you didn't love the boy too much, you
loved him too well. and at our age, some people
just don't know what to do with that.
well i wish i had a parachute,
because i'm falling fast for you.
i can see the ground approaching now.
but i'm not sure what to do.
time may take us apart, that's true,
but i will always be there for you.
you're in my heart, you'll be in my dreams,
no matter how many miles between.
i promise you that i won't forget
the day we kissed or the day we met.
the sky may fall and the stars may shoot,
but i will still, i will still love you.
For all the things in life I had to struggle through, yell through, things in life I just had to get through; I'm grateful for them. If I had a choice between living happily ignorant, knowing nothing about life & experiences, or a life with challenges, frustration & obstacles, I'd pick the second life. Without all the complications what would you ever learn? You would have no depth. In the second life, when things are harder, you only want to work harder, & once you accomplish what you want, the feeling is overwhelming & even greater than not having struggled through it at all.
Your biggest challenge isn't someone else. It's the ache in your lungs, and the burning in your legs, and the voice inside you that yells can't. But you don't listen. You push harder. And then you hear the voice whisper can. And you discover that the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are.
So this is it. I'm shutting my doors and putting my walls back up. I'm closing my curtains and removed the welcome mat. I'm blocking everything out again, because it's so much easier than feeling something.
You know that things aren't going well for you when you can't even tell people the simplest fact about your life, just because they'll presume you're asking them to feel sorry for you. I suppose it's why you feel so far away from everyone, in the end; anything you can think of to tell them just ends up making them feel terrible | 
