DaAlmightySmart1's Xanga

-le sigh-

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 00:55:55 GMT

I wish I could help make you happy.

"Out of my league"

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 17:24:41 GMT

Yeah... don't know why I'm so fucked up right now. I am like UBER depressed. It has been a while for me. I am extremely lonely right now. In a lot of ways. I miss cuddling, and holding hands, and even hugging (the good hugs, you know). I miss deep conversations, on everything from politics to universal theory to religion. I miss having someone who understands me fully. Oh wait, I know a guy that understands me right now. Too bad he's "out of my league." Too bad I'm too young, but he likes a girl who 18 *quizzical look; blink*. Too bad I'm not hot enough or cool enough, or too nerdy, or too nice. Too bad hes the most open I've been with anyone in a long time and he has opened up to me, but I still have no chance. I am a fucking masochist. It would be even better if I spelled that word right, but I'm too lazy to go look it up. I wish he could notice me for what I'm worth. I can lie. I can say my depression is because I miss James, but it's not. I can lie and say I just want sexual favors, but I don't. I can lie and say that I would rather be at home playing video games, but for once I really would rather not. I would rather hang out with a guy who likes me for who I am and that I like back, whole-heartedly. Lucky Sarah found Tommy. If only I found a guy who wasn't a bastard like the others. Oh wait, I know a guy that isn't a bastard like the others right now. Too bad he's "out of my league." I have liked him since I met him. Everyone knows I like him. It's not a secret. But no matter what, nothing can change status in the social circles. And no matter what he will never like me. He is just "out of my league." Why do I sit there and listen to his problems? Why do i sit there and let him rant to me about his ex-girlfriend and his new infatuation? Why do i subject myself to sleeping on his floor, when I could just go home and not dwell on how much of no chance I have? Because I obviously like to hurt myself more. I must like the feeling of worthlessness. I must like being told about girls that are better than me, prettier than me, smarter than me, more worthy of him, than me. A blog like this could fuck up a friendship. The only friendship I really enjoy right now, on the guy spectrum. A blog like this could ruin any chances I might have had with him. A blog like this could end up hurting me all over again. So what am I going to do? I'm going to post it. Why? Because I am too honest of a person. Because I crave for him to know the whole truth and decide only then if wants to continue to be my friend. Friends with a worthless girl. Friends with a girl that tortures herself. I know I'm not amazing. Patrick has told me this. Collin has told me this. I know plenty of people that would back me up. I'm just not good enough. Why else would i have gotten made fun of my entire life? I'M WEIRD! Let's face it. And nothing I can do will change it. Because that's me. And I am just "out of his league:" oh well, it wasn't worth it anyway. I will just continue to listen to everyone's problems. I will just continue to be the strenghth for everyone else. I will hold their weight on my shoulders. That's my calling. To be there for everyone else. Who cares if the one person I want to be there for me is "out of my league"? who cares if I am worthy or unworthy? Who cares that I continue hurting myself just to be near him? Who cares? Who cares? That's just the way things are. I am just "out of his league."

Me?

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 20:19:25 GMT

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	80%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Hedonism	\|\|	10%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Avoidant	\|\|	10%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Indie	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	51%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

trait snapshot:

clean, likes large parties, outgoing, makes friends easily, optimistic, positive, social, high self control, traditional, assertive, rarely irritated, self revealing, open, finisher, high self concept, controlling, rarely worries, tough, likes to stand out, does not like to be alone, semi neat freak, fearless, dominant, trusting, organized, resolute, strong, practical, craves attention, adventurous, hard working, respects authority, brutally honest, realist, altruistic

Silent Scream

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 04:03:47 GMT

I'm screaming inside
a silent scream on the outside
the loudest scream i've ever screamed
I. Need. Him.
Why?
Why do I ruin my life?
Why do I insist on breaking my heart?
How come every time something good comes along I have to fuck it up?
Why did I tell him?
I. Love. Him.
I'm screaming inside
a silent scream on the outside
the loudest scream i've ever screamed
I will never get him back
it's my fault
screaming
pain
I'm sorry...
please!
no use
he's gone
my fault
always
it hurts
im slowly dying
my soul yearns so fully it hurts
my heart burns so badly it cries
nay
it screams
screaming
pain
help!
im slowly dying
i just...
i just finally thought he was
the one
the
one
too late
i fucked up
again
my fault
always
I'm screaming inside
a silent scream on the outside
the loudest scream i've ever screamed

Nobody reads these anyway...

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 21:04:12 GMT

I havent updated in a long time, but I thought I'd mention that things with Jeremy ended, college is fine, though I get distracted and can't seem to bring myself to study much (not that I ever did in high school), and there are way too many opportunities for me to weaken. My resolve is stable to a point... but I blame my extroverted nature for the cravings I am facing. I want things I know I shouldn't and i need to learn to move slower when it comes to relationships... i mean with my overly sexual cravings, maybe i will screw up, or with being near alcohal at a bunch of parties maybe I'll drink, and I'll like it. I have too mcuh of a chance of becoming addicted because I KNOW I get addicted to things, I KNOW I will not be able to stop myself if I do, and I KNOW that if I allow myself to pass those lines I've put up, there is a never going back. I dont know if I actually like people anymore or if it is my crave to rebound. I don't know if I actaully crave THEM, or if i crave the action itself. I dont know if I can get into another relationship knowing that I fear it with almost every fiber of my being, just as MUCH as I fear being alone. once again my friends... I AM fucking IRONY!

Don't Love and Nobody Gets Hurt

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 17:26:14 GMT

This heading, stolen from Sam's heading on xanga, is true. In the end it seems more people get hurt from love then benefit from it... if you look back on loves that you've had in the past, especially the ones that REALLY hurt you, would you have them again knowing how they turn out in the end? My answer is yes, a million times yes... I live for love and for pain, i crave it.

A conversation:

Pallas Johnson

Today at 11:45am

but yeah i guess i never stopped loving that [person], the one that broke my heart... and the sad thing is i would do it all over again

[other person]

Today at 11:47am

Well thats...interesting if slightly foolish

Pallas Johnson

Today at 11:51am

i know its foolish, dont you get that... i cant help it... ugh... im sick of my emotions, they are my downfall and yet i love them more than anything... i love to feel unending pain and yet i love to feel unending joy.... im a horrible person and an amazing person, i am irony i want to strattle the line, be both angel and devil, i love extremes... the problem is you are an extreme, therefore i love you... its not my fault

[other person]

Today at 11:53am

I am more of an extreme moderate

Pallas Johnson

Today at 11:56am

does not two extremes create the perfect moderate, yet being the perfect moderate in itself creates an extreme... if that be so i too am an extreme moderate which is in essence two extremes, hence irony

Why do i allow myself to love people i no longer should? Why do I subject myself to pain? I don't know, all i know is that I love, deeply, to the core, and some people and things i love more than others. This makes me a horrible person.

To you, each of you who read this:

I love you...

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 03:28:20 GMT

tee hee

he had it coming

Shun!

OMG! They multiply!

Friday, March 16, 2007

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 00:19:07 GMT

all we need is a ladder for my balcony so you can climb up....

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 02:58:07 GMT

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 22:44:18 GMT

Happy 7 months Jeremy! Too bad you are angry at the world. Too bad your parents hate me for no apparent reason. Too bad I am depressed. Too bad I have seniorites and a D in Trig. Too bad I didn't make it to Nationals, even though I deserved to. Too bad I cry myself to sleep at night wondering if my family will stop fighting each other. Too bad my college screwed up my scholarship shit and so I am unable to get the scholarships I spent days working on the applications for. Too bad I am still not able to see my mother. Too bad my dad is morally opposed to me getting moeny for college (dumbass). Too bad I wont see my brother in the next four years because of it. Too bad noone uses xanga anymore and will never care to read this if they did. Too bad my best friend is stressed out and snapping at everyone and doesnt realize it. too bad my sister is annoying. Too bad all I can think about is Jeremy, yet he hasn't got time to call me anymore. Too bad I'm losing at love, failing at life, and not good enough for the people whom I actually care about ebing good enough for. Too bad it isn't REALLY 7 months, but actually like 7months minus a month and 6 days. Too bad The jeep has see through windows. Too bad Jer's dad is an ass and wont allow us privacy to cuddle. Too bad I don't have time to wash my clothes so I'm rewearing everything i own. Too bad I dont have time to clean my room, so I can find what I need. Too bad my cat is epileptic and nocturnal and so I cant get sleep anymore. Too bad the sun rises so early that my boyfriend can't get up to watch it with me. Too bad I'm too lazy to do my homework so I won't get any good grades this semester. Too bad I am not allowed to try out for the spring play, because it would be something to take my mind off of life. Too bad Jeremy isn't home yet so I can talk to him. Too bad. Too bad. I need a hug.