|
DaWayne
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Wayne
Birthday: 4/29/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: definately spending time with friends and family... what would i do with out them :-)
Expertise: I'm an expert at workng hard...but even better at being lazy :-P
feel free to ask for college advice, i know some kicks to it
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  daBigWayne
Member Since:
3/23/2003
|
|
| It always seems to happen when I go home...
When I think that the pressures of school, especially this year, I come back home thinking I can finally relax. But it never happens and I always get more stressed. Somehow I feel that I have grown and matured more every year in college, but once I go home, it all disappears. The disappointment in myself is infinite.
What I've really wanted to know is if I am leading a good life. Somehow at home I am viewed as being a selfish slob that does nothing. I supposedly sit around play video games all day and party all night. I don't drink water, and I don't sleep, and when I do sleep I wake up late. I can't seem to grasp the situation.
I thought that a 5th year may have been a good idea given that I feel that I learn and mature a lot in one year. But it was definitely not received as nicely as I would thought. I really think the problem of Chinese people and parents is saving their "face"; in other words pride. I would like to think that college is for me, pharmacy school is for me, but apparently it isn't. I know I am doing this for my family, but its not directly. It is through my own successful future that I can help the family. But I really do not like doing anything for anyone's face, as it just implies that I am not studying at school because I want to, or that I am just lying.
How does one show appreciation? Especially when someone is doing something you can never repay? Is the only thing you can do is become a dog and just listen to everything the person says? I am completely confused as to how to grow up. I've always liked learning by myself, learning through making mistakes. In fact, thats been pretty much the story of my life. But my mom thinks otherwise, and I must follow a set path that she is trying to set out for me. But is following her path the mistake? And what good is it for me to go my own and run into mistakes anyways? What kind of separation is it going to take for me to grow up? These are the questions that have been going on in my head every single break, and I can't get them out. The hardest part of growing up is what it is...growing up.
What do I want in life? Simple, just do what my father had not been able to do: raise a healthy happy family. Had he still been here, I know he would have done just that. Maybe all the problems I have now would not even exist. But that isn't how history has turned out, and there really is no reason to wonder "what if." Of course it sounds simple but it really isn't, and here I am back in square one, wondering what I should even do with my life.
Well, this is yet another depressing blog by da wayne. There is no big because da Big Wayne is never depressed. only the normal one. Where did he go??
Peace.
| | |
| daBigUpdateAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I scream, but there is noone to hear me.
Thats how this entire quarter has been feeling. And to top that, my phone charger is broken. How does that even happen? Can't be contacted, and can't contact people. Just like the old days...
And for about the nth time of my life, I do not know where life is taking me. Loss in motivation and focus, increase in school work and responsibilities, and the inability to deal with the real world. When my mom told me it was going to be a rough year for me, I did not think it was going to be this tough. I want to believe that I can get through this hump of life by myself. But I've lost confidence in myself, and I believe that my closest friends have also lost that confidence in me.
So I was running to the shuttle stop to catch a shuttle after lab, and I decided to run through the grass. Out of nowhere I break through the barrier and scratch myself. I keep running, only to realize the entire grass area was enclosed. I run back around, almost catching the shuttle. And right when I'm next to the bus, it leaves. That pretty much sums up my life.
My "blood blister" is acting up again. The one I've had since i was 7 on the outer part of my right wrist. It didn't fill up with blood since I started college. Who knows what it means.
Here's a list that sums up my quarter:
IM basketball, 0-5
Dragonboat, 1 practice, 3 dead jelly fishes
Net weight, 3 pounds loss
Loss of birthmark, addition of "Nellie" tape
Sleeping, 7-8 hours, still feeling tired, no more sleeping in class, but taking frequent naps during the day
Fantasy Basketball, Down to 2nd in league, 3 week lose streak.
Dota, 3 games entire quarter, all losses, increasing depressing to play
Econ100A, pwned by first midterm (week 8)
Organic chemistry lab, owned first test, only to have the professor allow people to drop exam if second midterm better
Biochem, hating everything about the breakdown of sugars and fatty acids. loving everything about amino acid biosynthesis
HDP98 - I got a chance to see myself get interviewed. I shake my head left and right a lot. Haha.
Fafsa, got it turned in already, as I never want to make another mistake on it EVER again.
Coming soon...
The BEAT - ICCAs, our group is going to UCLA this weekend! If you attend UCLA you should come watch us =]
Sage Scholar - I had a chance to meet the intern recruiter for Beckman Coulter, and find out what the company wants. Currently changing my resume accordingly. If theres anything I want to accomplish this year, this is it.
Songs I've been listening to:
Alicia Keys - Tell you something
Get so caught up everyday
Tryna keep it all togther
While the time it slips away
You see I know nothing last forever
Imagine there was no tomorrow
Imagine that I couldn't see your face
There would be no limit to my sorrow
So all I can say
I wanna tell you somthing, give you something
Show you in so many ways
Cause it would all mean nothing if I don't say something before it all goes away
Don't wanna wait to bring you flowers, waste another hour let alone another day
I'm gonna tell you something, show you something, won't wait til its too late
Beautiful lyrics, expert advice.
Okay, maybe its time for me to start fixing up my resume. At least I've been able to get it out... even if I'm not talking to anyone.
I want to go to Boston one of these days. Wouldn't mind Pharmacy School there, and definitely wouldn't mind getting a chance to meet one of my heroes, Kevin Garnett.
It would be a lie if I said I did not miss you. I realized the only reason I've been optimistic was because you were there for me, to see things clearly. Without you, the world has become dark again ~
Disclaimer: This blog is just to get my emo feelings out. I'm used to letting it out daily, but I've been keeping it inside for a while, and I just need a place to write about it and reflect before I continue to do more self-reflection to make changes in my resume. I realized this is more of a private blog and I'm having it posted up on Facebook, but honestly, only the people who care would actually read it, so I'm not worried.
| | |
| What is the point of thinking highly of a person, when they treat you as if u were lowlife?
The scariest part about growing up is dealing with changes.. and facing reality.
This world isn't what I had always thought it out to be, and it never will be.
I'm finding it hard to be honest to myself nowadays, let alone my own friends.
I really wondered how different would it be if I can start college all over again. Or even highschool. Even better yet, be born 2 months later like I was suppose to.
This rain is just getting me depressed. Going to school unprepared and without an umbrella, and walking around in shorts is one of the many things I wished I never did. And now I'm getting dizzy, hoping I'm not sick.
I need to keep focused. IM basketball is tomorrow, and we have a big game (can easily decide whether we get to the play offs or not). ICCAs...March 1st, disappointed last year, but ready to compete this year. Biochemistry and Organic chemistry lab... midterms at week 5 and I should keep on top of my reading and homework. For dragonboat, I gotta my lazy ass out to practice, work on my weak side. Motivation... that is what I need. Everything else should mean little to me.
fortune cookie says:
"You will soon have the opportunity to improve your finances"
I hope they are talking about the SAGE scholar...haha...
Whoever still reads this xanga, tell me what you think about me as a friend. Because recently I've been feeling like I've been a really bad one, and I'd like to know how to change that.
Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love
Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy
But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling
But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe
But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see
I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I'm sure Jeff is tired of this song... haha.
"There are memories of the past that I want to take with me to the future" - an optimistic naive boy
Props to those who know who that boy is.
I'm out.
| | |
| Fortune Cookie Says...And so I had Panda Express today, and the fortune cookie said "Smile! A frown may turn others away." And well I found that really fitting. Especially after three midterms, one of which I have not been able to attend class to, and another where I just got pwned in... yeh you get the point. 10 hours of sleep in three days doesn't help either. But when I saw the fortune, it really made me smile... just because it was so fitting (I was in a total mess today... should have seen my hair and goggle face)
And another thing... sometimes, especially weeks like this, I really feel the urge to just give up. But I am very glad I have friends that support me in what I do. Sometimes all you really need is someone to believe in you, so that you can stick it through. Even though I am trying to learn how to be more independent, I've just realized that sometimes you just can't do it all alone. And I am very thankful I have a friend like that.
But positive support isn't the only thing that keeps me moving forward. I think a lot of times, people don't value criticism enough, or are scared to speak out about certain things (especially with friends). But what I realized is that true friends aren't scared to speak out. I am open criticism. So if you have a problem with me, or any other friend, just say it. It helps both people learn. Then again I'm used to it from my mom... (although it doesn't mean I'd be very excited to be criticized haha) So yes that means its okay to be mad at me. But please tell me if you are.
Man so many things have been on my mind lately. Anyways, I have also been thinking about risk taking. I've pretty much been raised to never take any risks, and thats just how I am. But at the same time, without taking risks, you don't really gain. I mean its like basketball, you take a shot when you think you have a good chance of making it (or rather when u KNOW you are going to make it hehe). Of course you could be a horrible shooter and never wanna shoot, but if you don't shoot, how would you ever know? But it isn't always the right decision, as you wouldn't want to take a shot where you are clearly not going to make it (that would just be gambling) and if there is a teammate open for a passing option. But yes... I feel that the same can be applied to life. Its too bad I don't exactly listen to my own advice, because I never take shots either. Its that fear of rejection, whether its from a person or the basket, and then what people think. And somehow it always seems like if you decide to take that chance, it may change everything (maybe even the basketball game). But maybe one of these days I'll take One Shot (plays Mario Vazquez).
And for those who have not been keeping up with any news, there were some huge fires down here in San Diego which canceled school for a week. Now that sounds all cool, but besides me being very unproductive, there had been many people who has lost there homes, and I hope they receive help to get back on track. The air is good again, but that basketball game that one day... was no good (played basketball outside and got a nosebleed in the shower afterward...)
That is all for now, I hope everyone listens to my fortune cookie.
PS: Wow this may have been the first real blog in a long time
| | |
| Depressing Blog #5329You know I always end up writing in this blog when I am not feeling too well. It was today that I truly realized, nothing good ever comes easy. And while everything seemed like it was fine, you then realize it wasn't. Kinda like a toilet. It's fine... until it gets clogged . Then it gets all smelly, and you try bleaching, and even wiring. Finally, you realize the right thing to do... go to Vons and buy a freaking plunger.
I do not even know what to do this weekend. Had a lot of expected and unexpected plans, but right now I do not feel like going to do anything. But I guess theres really only one thing to do.
*sigh*
Life really is a roller coaster. I can't handle them.
| | |
|
|
