Blubbers.

I am reading Armchair Mystic as an assignment and have been doing some of the suggested prayer exercises. I need to turn in a paper on these two experiences at the end of this week so my participation in these tasks is not just because I’m trying to learn about prayer. Although I am trying to learn about prayer. And this book is definitely one to turn to if you are interested in it too.

It has helped attune my inner eye to the graces I enjoy in my life. The presence of Ryan, the ceiling fans in my apartment, notes from students, music from Pandora, visits from friends, good sermons and things to look forward to. It has helped me sit quietly and be more gracious with myself—yes, I have to pee again, yes, I forgot what I was praying about and yes, I did not do everything on my list for the day. It has helped me think twice about the noise I turn on and the moments in between – in between meetings, the apartment and the office, lunch and the next task, lying down and falling asleep. It has helped me claim Winnicott’s “transitional space” as a realm of spiritual possibility.  

I have been coming down from an adrenaline/heart rate high made up of hasty studying, quick commutes, final exams, school events, WILA events, overscheduled evenings and deadlines. I am anticipating two major and immanent things: a summer internship and my family leaving to Kenya. I am looking forward to the structure of the internship—it is a full-time chaplaincy position, 5 days a week with some weekends on call. I like structure despite the fact that I don’t really establish it for myself. I am looking forward to colleagues critiquing me and meeting new people every day. I am not looking forward to closed toed professional-looking shoes and figuring out the bus system. I am looking forward to actually sitting on the bus and reading, praying, watching or sleeping. I hope that Ryan doesn’t starve nor significantly raise his cholesterol during this period through gross amounts of mac’n’cheese and fast food.  I hope that we will be able to communicate well about what my day was like in the hospital and what his was like in LA.

My parents and 3 youngest siblings will be here the first week of the internship, on their way out of the country. We are so looking forward to seeing them and so happy they are returning home finally but sad for ourselves. I am prayerful about this goodbye as separation is getting harder for the “littles” and yet they have been through so much, I think it will be so good for them to get back to Kenya and stay in one place as a family. I get nervous for them and for life in Kenya period sometimes and I get nervous about my emotions and ability to rely on e-mail once again. Michael and Paul are at the age when Adam, back in our old house in Hillsboro, told my parents that “Bearbie,” his stuffed, childhood bear, said that he thought we should move to Kenya. That was how my 10 year old brother answered that particular call over 12 years ago, giving Dad and Mom the go-ahead, and now I pray for similar moments for Michael, Paul and Grace. I realize that growing up on the mission field is different than going in early adolescence but still, the Lord does not only speak to adults. If He calls parents, He calls children. The littles need His peace to thrive in and appreciate their unique lifestyle.

Karli is here and stayed with us this past weekend. It is so good to be around her again. Someday we should have an eye-rolling contest. :) I’ll see her again before she heads back to the humid, icky, far away, colonialism-perpetuating, too-formal, extreme temperature, non-Pacific coastline, east coast!