Currently Playing Imagine By Eva Cassidy see related

So Im here in San Diego staying with a friend and her Aunt and Uncle who are very cool. They are pyscologists so we tend to talk a lot about life. Not that they judge us or tell us what means what..they are just very easy to talk to. Plus, its not like they are going to go tell my parents what i say about them or anything..they arent like that at all.  They are total live life kind of people. The Uncle surfs every morning and the Aunt goes to yoga. Very cool people. Anyways...

We always get to talking about how and why we are the way we are. Mostly Laura (the friend whos aunt and uncle they are) and I are the ones talking about our lives. I learn some many new things about how I am and why. Its interesting what you can find out about yourself. So one this i figured out is that I tend to play everything out in my head. Its kind of hard to explain..but its like everything is planned out. Lets say im sitting at a table in a resturant eating dinner and i need to use the restroom. From what im going to say, to how im going to get up, to which side of the table i am going to walk to, to which sides of the other tables around I am going to walk, and so on...Im sure most people do this somewhat...but I tend to do it a lot and pretty much all the time. Im not really sure if this is really weird or not, they seemed to think it was..but who knows. The think is that when things dont go the way i plan..its not good and throws me a major curve ball. Its like I get up to go to the bathroom and someone pulls out thier chair to get up just as i walk past...it seems to really freak me out. I am really jumpy sometimes so when someone scares me or there is a loud sound and i jump its because it wasnt in my plan, that wasnt supposed to happen. Maybe a lot of people do this too and Im just thinking way too much into it. What a shock..I always think way too much into everything. ahh i need help!

Currently Playing O By Damien Rice see related

- LISTEN TO HIM!!! HE'S SO GOOD!!! -

OK wow, look at me im doing a little updating...man its been awhile, but hey can you blame me? Ive been busy like a bee. Ne ways. I actually have something to say not just me talking about what ive done since I updated. ok here is goes....

Would you risk it all just to improve your life?

I was watching the Discovery Health Channel today, yes I was the Discovery Channel, and there was a show on Face Transplants. Ok, if you didn't know already, Im pretty weird, and im acutally reading a book (well one of the many im trying to read) about Cadavers (dead bodies) its actually REALLY interesting. Ne ways, so Im watching this show and its all about people who have really disfigured faces from accidents and they have no lives because they are so disfigured. Well there are these doctors who want to transplant the face of a dead person to the face of the living person with the disfiguration. I mean at first Im like...WTF how weird would it be to have some other persons face....like you look in the mirror and see someone else...wierd. Ive thought about that before, if one day you woke up and looked in the mirror and you werent yourself. Interesting thought. But then I think there are these people who literally have no eye lids, and no lips, no nose, nothing. They cant go out in public because, well people would stare. There was even this one girl who was beautiful and then she got in this car accident where the car caught on fire and 60% of her body was 3rd degree burns. Now, she has graphed skin on her face, so she obviously doesnt look like she did before. She doesnt have ne hair. She cant go out in public. Think of how her life would change if she had a normal face? She would be able to go out, have friends again, just talk to people, do things. I mean think about it.

So going back to the question, risking it all. Well thats because no one has ever had a face transplant done before. No one knows the side effects. There are these pills you have to take to trick your body to accept the foreign skin and there are side effects with those and that you can get cancer and other diseases easier. So besides that, the first person could easily die during the surgery easily. One of the doctors said that he figured it would take everything about 24 hours. I mean really, you have to cut the face off the dead person, then take off what is left of the living persons face, then attach all the nerves, blood vesels, muscles, everything. Crazy! So in reality they need two people to do it. One dead person and one living person with a disfigured face that they want fixed, knowing that they could easily die, and they could lose what they already have. I mean what if it didnt work. Then what? They would have to go through the pain and suffering of skin graphs again, they would have to go through it all over again.

I love science. How cool is it that we are so close to being able to transplant FACES! wow!

So i sat there watching this show thinking what if today something happens to me where my face because disfigured and I no longer have my face....its gone. I can't even begin to think about it fully. How could you go through life. Im not so sure i could live with it. No more soical life, no more going out. Its weird to think about something like that. You sit there picturing yourself places in the future. You say to yourself "Im going to college, Im going to live here at one point, Im going to be this, Im going to that. Then you think what if something like that happend to me? All your dreams...gone....I dont think I could do it.

Sometimes I think about how i feel bad for people like that, people with physical disabilities, physical deformities, even people who dont have homes, or families, whatever. I think, gosh Im lucky and what a little shit I am for complaining about anything. "Uh I have pay for gas in my car" WHAT? at least I have a car and money to pay for it. "Uh I have wash the dishes" oh wait thats right, I have dishes and im washing them because there was food on them that I ate and I have running water to wash them with in a house. And here I am complaining. WOW! But then I think how could you live your life always feeling bad for other people...well you couldnt. You just have to live life, just live it. Do your day to day stuff. I just find it so interesting to look around at things. Things here in America...the home the free. Wow, how lucky are we to be born in this great, free country. Why me? Why was I born here insted of some African country living in harsh conditions? Was I a good person in my former life? Did I have a former life? Was it just my luck? Was it just the luck of the draw? AHH thinking about this stuff makes me crazy, but i love it!

well I totally got off subject...but w/e. As always Im sorry for all the mis-spelling. Im too lazy to copy it over to word and then paste it back. So you're just going to have to deal with it! :)  Well I hope my thoughts were somewhat entertaining...

Friends....They come and go. I mean isnt it kinda weird to look back on the friends you had when you were little, then like elementary school time, then middle school, then high school.....your first boyfriend, your first best friend. How things change. I was looking at all my old pictures and just how my life has changed. I have pictures of people...mostly girls...that I used to talk to all the time and now I see them and they dont even say anything. I dont know why. Is it just cause times have changed? Did I do something? Are they too cool for me now? hmm...I dont know...I dont know why. Well lets see here...its saturday night..my boyfriend is working..brit is at jesuits prom...laura kinda flaked on me....and all my other "friends" are doing other stuff. I feel like ive lost a lot of friends since middle school, even last year. People I was super close with last year...not so much any more. I wonder if they think about me? probably not. Im one of thoes crazy think about everything people. I have a feeling that I have lost friends because of Steve. I like to think it was a good trade. I mean not exactly...but you know a guy who truely cares for me and everything, someone who will always be there. But...I know one day it will end. Will I be running back to thoes other friends? That would be gay...but watch me do it. I try to keep in touch with people. Its just really hard. Plus, brit and jess eat lunch inside and when I eat with them its us 3 at a table which doesnt exactly have much socializing involved. But then I think....its always me going from group to group saying Hi to everyone. Its not like anyone really comes to me to say Hi. I wonder if Im one of thoes annoying people who comes up to you to talk and say Hi...and you're thinking to yourself "CRAP not them...oh no..ok just just HI and pray they leave" Dang that would suck...I try not to be. hmmm But really...I dont get that feeling that anyone is looking for me to say hi, is that because Im always looking for them so I can say Hi or they just dont care? hmm hmm hmm

 I asked someone today if they thought it was better to have a few REALLy good friends and lots of kinda friends...or to have a lot of good friends, like a click (i know thats not how you spell it, but you know what im talking about)??  I think they both have their good and bad...but I like the few really good friends....but that could be because thats what i have. I dont know. I think if you have thoes few really good friends they could be with you forever. If you have a lot of OK friends....that wont last...uh w/e Im sooo bored....this night sucks. Im sitting here writing in my online journal..good...good

Funeral- 1 : the observances held for a dead person usually before burial or cremation
2 chiefly dialect : a funeral sermon
3 : a funeral procession
4 : an end of something's existence

Do you ever just think about your funeral. Ive always just wanted to be able to die and watch my own funeral and peoples reactions and then erase it all and go back in time like nothing had ever happend. I would pull one of thoes men in black things and flash everyones memory. I mean really how interesting would it be to watch. I get the feeling I would be sad, mad, maybe happy, annoyed, releaved, probably every feeling possible. I just just like to know who would come to my funeral. Who would really be affected, who would cry. Who would say they knew me best, who would give a talk, who would act like they knew me just to get out of school. How many people would be there that i dont even talk to? Isnt it just interesting to think about? I think it would answer a lot of questions. You would know who your real friends were, who cared most, who didnt care, who just pretended they were your friend. It would just be so interesting. You know theres thoes peeople where if you were just walking down the halls they wouldnt say hi, but if your somewhere where your the only one they know they act they you are their best friend and wont leave your side. I mean Im sure we all do it sometimes. I try not to. If im not going to talk to someone in the halls or not smile or try and look away, im not going to try and be buddy buddy with them just because I dont know anyone else there. Wow I got way off sub, ne ways, funerals....Weird that they have the word fun in them. Maybe they are fun...When you die you get to watch everyone, maybe its fun. I know it sounds weird saying "fun" but if you really think about it. I dunno heres what I picture. Everyone is sitting in a church, theres me chillin there looking more pale than ever (which is hard to believe I know) Theres some guy at the podium talking, theres my parents front row probably sitting witht the rest of my family. Then theres Brit, and Laura. Brit is probably with Jake, or maybe her family...I would hope both, Im not sure who Laura would be with probably Adi or Megan, maybe ms Jonana, Then Steve, probably his parents would go, I would hope his friends would go, well they are my friends too I guess, i hope, and then all my other friends, not that they arent as important, i just dont know who they would all come with and blah blah blah. Its interesting how much someones death brings people together. It really does though. Crying with someone just does. Ne ways...So i picture all this..and then there is me, well my spirit, but im huge and Im looking through the top of the church, like the whole top is gone and my huge face is looking in, just watching, listening, probably smiling. I like to smile, its fun .  Obviously no one could see me, to everyone else there would just be the celein. I really hope there would be a lot of people there, I really hope I would have touched a lot of peoples lives. In english we were reading the great gatsby, long story short...no one goes to Gatsby's funeral and yet everyone went to his parties and everything. I really hope that doesnt happen to me. Not that I have parties or anything. I just hope ive done enough to have people want to go to my funeral. Besides watching the funeral I would hope I could have a special power to make people happy. I know this is a little out there, but Im sure it would make me sad if I saw people crying and I would like to be able to make they know that everything would be alright. Oh and I would like to be a ghost for just a little bit. Not like a trapped ghost or one that doesnt know they are dead. Just one who wants to visit some last people, say a few last things. You know. Maybe play with peoples heads a little. Hide things from people, haha that would be great. But like I said, just for a little bit. How interesting this all is. Just watch what really happends when you die is nothing...just blackness...you're gone. Man that would suck...I really hope thats not what its like. I wouldnt like that. Cause i know there are some people I cant wait to see once I die. Some people who werent here long enough. Hmmm all so interesting..........