Paleonanthropology Division

Smithsonian Institute

207 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post.  Hominid Skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Monmouth County two million years ago."  Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie."

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.  However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic.  Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.  This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses that you have submitted in your history with this Institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.  Without going into too much detail let us say that:

a. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

b. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated.  This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.  To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino."  Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted-down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and did not really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of the fascinating specimen to the museum.  While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.  You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.  We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 3/8 inch Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe

Curator, Antiquities

Today is December 7th, you knew that already. But I am just telling you in case you forget, because sometimes that happens. Almost a week from now a lot of people hear from colleges, I suppose it will cause a lot of ruckus. But for me, the ruckus is inevitable.

Surely, I wish deeply for my entrance into the University of Chicago. But if I do not get admittance, its not the end of the world. I'll still be alive and I'll have to live. Which brings me to another point, I always wondered what it was like, to spend your whole life doing something you didn't want to do. It’s like being dead, I suppose, only worse, the reason being, you were alive to suffer it.

Anyways, I won't enjoy going to another school as much, but what can I say. So is life – its not fair like a game. Life is in fact flawed. Some people might call it destiny.

But, destiny is funny stuff, I know. You can’t trust it. Often you can’t even see it. Just when you knew you had it cornered, it turns out to be something else -- coincidence, maybe, or providence. You bar the door against it, and it is standing behind you. Then just when you thought you had it nailed down it walked away with the hammer.

College smollege, I am applying for a grant and opening my own auto body shop. The basement will be the Cold Fusion Lab. The ground floor will be to the servicing of many bodies. The balcony floor will be my Indiana Jones simulation room. When I am feeling lonely and indignant, I will go through the trails presented in The Last Crusade. Then, I will surely feel like an accomplished man without a college degree.