We had to put our kitten bagheera down yesterday.  He had feline lukemia... Ive never had to do something like that, Ive never had to make a decision like that.  It was one of the hardest things Ive had to do.  I used up a whole box of tissues at the vet until greg could get off work and come meet me so that we could decide what we needed to do.  He was in so much pain though, it would have been almost cruel not to.  but that doesnt make it any easier.  every time i walk into my room i get all choked up, cant breathe, and start crying.  its habit to look around the room in all of his favorite places to try and see where he's laying... but he isnt there.  this is just so hard, especially since he was only about three months old.  there are just so many things in this life that no one can do anything about.  and its even worse when you love something so much, and they're crying out in pain and there isnt anything you can do to make them any better.  i hate this... and i miss him terribly and i can barely see the keys on the keyboard anymore, they're all blurry....and im out of tissues.... i need to go do schoolwork.  its true what they say.... life really isn't fair...

what do you do when your holding a secret that could either change everything for the worse or for the better.  Something that you know never should be spoken of, but yet it tears away at you every day.  You know that there isnt any way that revealing it could go the way that you want it to go, but you can't get it out of your head.  I wish it would just go away.  its my fauly its there in the first place.  it hasnt done harm yet, but that's all it would bring,  It would be far too easy to just lose myself in it and dream it could be the way i wanted it to be, but I cant afford to let myself do that.  it isnt realistic, it isnt practical, its its really just all together out of the question... and becomes more so with every passing day.  but the more impossible it becomes, the harder it is to let it go.  i really just have no idea what to do.  if only this was both simpler....and easier to deal with...

I've been awake for about 28 hours now... and I'm really not even tired.  If anything I'm more refreshed than I normally would be.  Seeing as I haven't gone to sleep in a while, i haven't had to deal with much of anything... It's nice to have a break from it, even if it's just for a short period of time.  I wonder how long the human body can stay conscious...  maybe I'll try and see.  It's so much easier like this...  if only i could just stay awake forever.  I guess another reason why I feel more refreshed is that i got the opportunity to talk in depth about some things in my life that I have never talked in depth about to anyone, and even though it hurt like hell to bring up most of the memories, it feels somewhat calming to be able to let them go, if only just a little bit.  If nothing else, I'm just glad I'm not holding it all in anymore... that in itself is more than enough.  I really don't know about a lot of things right now.  Everything just seems so confusing and unreachable right now.  Questions running through my mind that I can't help but ask myself.  Things in my life that I should never have to question.  The fact that I'm questioning them at all should be a sign that what I don't want to be true, is in fact the reality of what's going on.  I just wish there were an easier way to deal with all of this.  I have so many different choices and paths in front of me, that I can't even get myself to move.  And so I just stand here silent and still, deciding if all the confusion is worth the effort to take a step in any one direction.