Paul Rudd is hot. (This has absolutely nothing to do with my entry)

I love my job. However, sometimes my coworkers remind me of high schoolers.

As many of you know, I do not have unlimited text messages. Don't worry, this is not what this is about. About a month ago a girl that I thought I was friends with sent me a text.

I deleted it without opening it because then I do not get charged for it. The girl knew my text message situation which I why I had no guilt when I did not read it.

The next night I saw her at work, we both worked Extra Magic Hours together. I said hi and made small talk and she ignored me for the rest of the night. Which I thought was weird and concluded it was because of one of the following reasons:

1)I had not responded to her text. (If it was that important CALL ME)
2) I was talking to someone who used to be her friend. They had some sort of falling out which I don't know the details of. The girl is my friend and I have seen no red flags as to prevent me from stopping our friendship. I am a friendly person. AND the girl who was ignoring me has lost a lot of friends recently and I am starting to think it may be her.

Whatever. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she was not upset about it and was tired and feeling antisocial. It was late after all.

Well, today I ran into her at DAK.  I did not notice her at first, until after I had been in the room for sometime. I knew that she was aware I was in there because I was having a conversation across the room with my friend who said my name. She completely ignored me.

It has been over a month. Clearly, she is immature. And she is 26.  I have been out of town for most of the month so I really have not been in contact with anyone.

1) If you you had any respect for me, you would have remembered about my texting situation. Everyone else has, it is not that difficult. And if you were that upset over it, call me out on it.

2) If it is because I am friends with a former friend. Talk to me about it. Tell me what happened and maybe I will see your side. Or maybe it is because you are completely ridiculous and it was because of you that your friendship ended.

Yeah so, C'est La Vie.

Review of "Remind Me Again Why I Need a Man"

I finished a book today. I bought it on Wednesday, read it all the way home and finished it up tonight.

I was disappointed with the ending. It just sort of stopped. Like the author got bored and finished at the first place acceptable.

Like I am going to do with this entry.

(Annoying, isn't it?)

There'll be Answers that you Seek, it's You Who'll Climb the Mountain, it's You Who Reach the Peak

Ok. I am a pretty private person. I will chat you up on most things but there is a lot that I generally keep to myself.  That being stated, I do not want  any pity from this entry. I just want to vent.

First off, I dislike Fourth of July. Reasoning? I won't go into detail here. It's nothing too horrific. SImply stated: same reason Chandler hates Thanksgiving. This is why I have chosen to spend the afternoon and evening watching movies, eating pizza, and drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Now on the the main event. I have been meaning to write in this thing since my return to Orlando and today I have the time. As many of you know, I recently went to my home state of Missouri to attend and be a part of my mother's wedding. This trip home was a very difficult one. I just need to get my thoughts out here and out of my head so I won't dwell on it.

1) My mother's wedding. This was hard on me for a few reasons. I will talk about the not so obvious ones. I felt like the only person there who disagreed with it.  It was like a movie where there is one person who knows that whatever is going on is not good, but no one listens. I am Malcom in Jurassic Park. No one listened to him and the dinosaurs killed a few people, injured a few others, and caused some destruction and a few sequels. I am not suggesting that my mother marrying this guy is going to cause some sort of reincarnation of an extinct species, but I don't think it will be Happily Ever After.

I don't like the guy. I tried. I tried and it was not successful. He's not abusive, he's just a jerk. I had several points that I had brought up to my mother and she did not listen. I gave up because I felt like I was talking to a chalkboard. 

As for the wedding, I was watching this whole group of people interact and make connections and were genuinely excited that this bond was happening. Not me. I had no desire to get to know any of his family. At all. I am sure they are all perfectly nice people but I had no desire to even make an effort. I don't want birthday wishes or Christmas gifts from them.

I would like to state that I was not acting like a 5 year old and pouting. I was very pleasant, just not going out of my way to make new friends.

I didn't even cry. Well, wait. Strike that. I did cry.  None of that had to do with the wedding.  First, I cried because my mom had called us up in front of everyone to give us a gift and it was really awkward. My sister was crying so I started crying because I felt uncomfortable. Then, I started laughing because my mom said she was Dave's Husband.

I never said I wasn't 12.

The second time I cried was when I saw my 2nd cousin's daughter dancing with her grandfather and I thought of my grandpa and how he would not be here for my wedding and I started bawling. I really miss my grandpa. The Dave's dad came up to us and said "I'm your new grandpa" I did not punch him, though I had the urge to, because he did not realize that I had been crying nor knew the reason why. But really, I had met the man yesterday and I am 22. You are not my new grandfather. Mainly because I do not consider your son to be any type of father figure.

2) This was the first wedding I attended as a single woman. Well, the first wedding in my adult life. I now see why so many bridesmaids hookup with guys at weddings. Luckily, there was no one to hookup with at my mom's wedding. The best man was an 8 year old and all of the other men were too old and married. Plus no open bar, no dance floor and we were outside in the heat. My conscious would have talked me out of any fling that could have occurred.

3) On Friday, I traveled from St. Louis, the location of my mother's wedding, to Kansas City to meet up with my dad and then to Beaver Lake, Nebraska to meet up with his side of the family. We were there Friday night and Saturday night and left Sunday afternoon.

As mentioned above, my grandfather has passed away. Last year, in fact, and there was some drama surrounding his funereal, which I will not go into because it is neither here nor there. The "adults" (my dad, his brothers, and their wives) had to discuss this drama on Saturday night. The did it away from the kids but they were in the next room with nothing separating us. We could hear exactly what they were saying and it was very, very difficult for me to listen to.

At this point, I realized how alone I am. I felt like I was standing all alone on a hill, looked at a destroyed city, with fires still raging, amidst a civilization needing to rebuild. In other words, I felt my family falling apart and us trying to keep it together.

I have my friends and family, but I keep everyone at an arm's length away. I know I do. I do this to prevent myself from being screwed over yet again.

That night I was thinking. I had no one to support me at my mom's wedding which was difficult for me for more reasons than stated above. I also had no one to go to while hearing what the adults were talking about. I had never felt so completely alone in my life. Granted, I don't need anyone but it would be nice. And I realize this. I know I keep people at a distance. It never bothered me until this moment. It was the first time that I actually wanted to let someone in. An improvement? Perhaps.

I didn't realize how independent I am until that moment. I have moved out of state, lived on my own, dealt with life changing events and all on my own. Is this healthy? I have no idea. All I know is that I am strong and it will be awhile before anyone gets past that arm's length.

3) When I got to KC, it was actually a nice trip. However, it is odd to see how much it changed since August. It was wonderful seeing my friends but it is bittersweet coming home. It always is. It always will be.

I am reminded of the past and how I can never go back. "The King and the Queen went back to the green, but you can never go back there again" (Billy Joel) The life I knew before January of 2007 is no more. Too much has changed, we have all grown.  I love visiting. I love seeing everyone. But I love returning to Orlando to my new place of residence. They say home is where your heart is. My heart is divided, among my friends and family, and my life here in Orlando.

If you have made it this far. Congrats. I meant to just get this off my chest, nothing more. No need for concern. I am fine and will always be. Sometimes, I do need an outlet and this is what blogging is for. I would have written in a journal, but my handwriting is terrible. Plus this has spell check.

How do You Leave the Past Behind When it Keeps Finding Ways to Get to Your Heart?

I am both dreading and anticipating this vacation home. I miss my family and friends yet, the realities of what is going to occur have yet to set in. My family is forever going to be altered. Am I ready for it? I have no idea for I have put off thinking about what's in store.

And people from my past whom I never expected to hear from again want to see me. I had already accepted the fact that I our paths would never cross and now I have to brace myself for when they do. Again, I have no idea what is going to occur, if it even is.

My trip home is going to be very short. The only people I will be able to see are Kristina, Megan, Foxhound and my family. Sorry.

My goal is to save up more vacation time and to come home for a week-two weeks in November.

As of today, I had never worked boat dock. A few months ago, I decided that I should avoid it like the plague, th at way if/when I leave the company I could  say "I never had to work boat dock!!" and then I would do a happy dance.

Well, that goal/dream was shattered today. I had to do 5 sets over there. I hated it.