Currently Listening Year Zero By Nine Inch Nails see related

A Very Late Return

Hello, friends. The last time I posted was in September of 2006, so I really can't say that I've been very devoted to Xanga. In fact, I have no reason to visit Xanga because I can get my rants and intellectual expositions out of my system on Facebook, the new poison. However, some of you are more attached to this place than facebook, so I will indulge you with another piece of my adventures, such as they are.

I've had my ups and downs since September. The fluctuations have proved to be quite violent at times. In the course of a week, I can successfully have the best day of my life and hit the deepest blues. Perhaps an exaggeration, but it's a pretty accurate summary. Actually, things have been more good than bad lately. I'm incurably girl-crazy, proved time and time again. I keep facing that dilemma of choosing between starting something potentially beautiful or waiting until the divine moment hits. I'll probably come back to this later...or not...we'll see.

I'm going to begin graduate work at University of North Texas this Fall (in mathematics - probably applied), with a teaching fellowship - yes, I actually snagged it. Thanks to a 4.0 undergraduate g.p.a. I've been working at these four years...heck, yeah! So, I'll be working with two math classes a semester, getting paid about 4,000 dollars for each. That's no great wage, but it's wonderful for me, who lives scarcely and saves generously. It will pay for my school and life there, so I refuse to complain during any of it. I just hope I don't end up like Dr. Coulter and choose mathematics over women. Ladies first, no matter what - that's my new philosophy! Anyway, times will get interesting - and the wait is almost over!! Just three more weeks (minus two days) until I get that B.S. degree. And at 21 years of age...such joy. After grad school, what then? I have absolutely no idea - but I know that the more doors I open, the better. I absolutely refuse to teach lower than college level mathematics. Teaching is subject oriented, not student oriented like the bullshit they try to teach you in education classes. I guess I care about the future generation, but what about my generation? What are we doing? I refuse to complete the cycle of degeneration, because I know the pressure is getting more intense for those who want to make a difference. I want to be one of the reasons that students still learn mathematics in school. Like the Sephiroth of the math world...

That's my occupational side of life. Now to the artistic side, which may well end up being the thing that pushes me into cooler realms. I've been drawing a lot, mainly due to the fact that I've been in a drawing class this semester. There have been some pretty decent works since January, but I can't even begin to compare myself to the professionals. Some people, however, seem to think that this will be my big break - that it might make me famous. Hmm...that's interesting, however unbelievable. I just think it's fun to show up the art majors. I just don't get it - how can you be an art major (or computer major, english major, science major, etc.) and get killed by a math major in one of your entry level courses? That's like one of you music maj's kicking my butt at Calculus. It just won't happen, okay? Not to sound like a jerk, but your field is your field. Outsiders just shouldn't be able to touch you. I'll admit, I haven't outschooled a music major in music yet, although I've demonstrated much better balancing and etiquette in a symphonic band setting than some majors. But, you know? Anyway, I get undeserved attention to my work, and I don't know how to react. I like the attention, don't get me wrong - it just seems unfair. At some point I know I should try to be a full-fledged artist. I especially look forward to working with a female nude... ... ... ... ... ...

So, while I'm on the subject of human sexuality..., I mentioned before that I've been facing that dilemma that most people in my position face. I'm heading for a major split in my life. I will be ending one volume of my life and beginning another (I made mention of life volumes on a facebook note, in case you were interested). So, while I've been waddling through the uneventful year since September 2006, I've tossed and turned with the dilemma: should I try to make room for another relationship or is it too pointless at the time? There has also been another feeling (diminished now, but still quite present) that it is still too early to start something after being so thoroughly trashed by someone I thought loved me. Well, I still don't know what to think, but I would like to think that I am free to make those decisions now. I know for a FACT that I am incapable of being a bachelor for the rest of my days. That, as you should know, is dangerous, both to myself and unsuspecting women caught in my sight. You can't contain the beast. I was born a Casanova, I can't deny it, and will probably die as such. I'm kind of like Shinsui Kyoraku from Bleach - that guy is all about the ladies - and in such a respectable, smooth manner. Anyway, I can't be afraid to let life happen. Circumstances shouldn't be the basis for whether a relationship will work or not. I really don't know what it's all about, but I would ASSUME that it is an unfair barrier. If you rely on that, then you almost HAVE to close the deal before you leave college. As some of you teachers have noted, things get pretty lame in the real world, especially if you're in the teaching field. Ha! (here's the point where you must remember that this is all theoretical and I am not necessarily planning such things) Convergence of paths is never guaranteed, but I believe that successful relationships come from forcing a convergence - being fearless and unrelenting, forsaking all logic to realize your dreams. I'm young and am barely grasping the idea of what love is about. Sometimes I can't even think of why there IS a physical part to it, but there is. I think people get it backwards so often. You want to be in the arms of another - but I desire to care for someone else. My heart aches to have someone to passionately care about, protect, and see grow to mental, physical, and spiritual maturity. It's most difficult to keep my heart from being selfish because I end up spending most of my time alone. I've spent a lot of time recently praying and thinking about others. It helps a great deal, but I can't deny that my heart continues to crave a singular presence to be passionate about. Such is life, I guess. But for some reason, it seems dumb to pursue things when they look to have impossible odds. Really, it seems dumb to pursue things at all. I don't know why, but I guess that's just how I see it right now. Marriage is behind the actions, but I am impossibly far away from marriage, at least in my mind, to be letting the thought cross my mind. But that's the whole thing...DANG. This it what it feels like to be stuck between walls. This is what it feels like to be young when you date a girl 5 years your senior - she's thinking about moving on to the next thing, while you're stuck trying to build up to a place of financial support. It's absolutely frustrating, and it has made me feel like so much of a child - so dependent and unready for the responsibilities I was looking forward to. Well, now that I'm facing a new volume, feeling bitter and hardened, salt in my lungs, I feel like I will be able to make choices with more confidence, as most of those fears will be replaced by active responsibilities (or so I hope). I'm kind of still stuck in those walls, but I think the next few years will see a drastic change in my confidence, for the better. And, regardless of what you might think about me, I definitely am NOT one of those masterful people who can get along just fine, and prefer, being alone. Nay.

Well, I'm sorry for all that love ranting. I guess I'm more of a little girl than I thought. Maybe that will inspire you to love me all the more? So I hope, so I hope...Alright, before I become pathetic, I will end this entry here and move on to living. I just hope that nobody creepy decides to attach themselves to this rant - it's mainly meant to get rid of a lot of that pent up energy (chakra, or whatever) and mind-thoughts so that I can go on being normal. It's the price to pay for being an observer/thinker personality (and an artist). Anyway, live well and party on!

cold in my house: about to travel to the wedding...then it's party time...after the wedding when I get home.

Well, school has been going for a few days now and I think it's going to be a pretty good semester. I don't think I'll like Dr. Voss's class because I really don't like to work in groups. Plus I don't like to have assignments to do in class. I guess I'm just a lover of traditional educational methods as evidenced by most of the math teachers. I think the other math majors will have similar problems, mainly because we never really have hands on work in our classes besides programming calculus based programs using a language from the '80s. I'll need to spend a lot of time on my own getting my share taken care of. I was one of those kids that never needed to be taught to pair up with another person because I generally don't trust others with my scholastic excellence (sorry, friends) because I like working alone and I do best when I'm alone. Well, Becky's in that class, so I guess it won't be too bad. I'm such a loser.

Anyway, those things aside, everything seems to be looking up. I just went Conditional in KKPsi (even though Robbie put me on his ME committee - I'm alright with that, I guess) so I don't really have to come to meetings if I don't feel like it. I also presented a letter of appreciation to Tau Beta Sigma tonight. It was embarassing for me, seeing as I almost made myself cry. I wrote a poem, which is something I haven't done in a couple of years. I guess it sounded like a love poem, but I think it exemplified a longing to make the moments we have last as long as we can. I think I read it a little fast because I was nervous and I had a room full of girls staring holes through me. Am I a man? Tell me...Anyway, the poem is where it got to me. I really had to read it fast to keep from choking up and spilling tears all over the place. If that had happened, I'm sure all hell would break loose. I could barely look at anybody, which is generally the case - the mathematician that I am.

Well, that's my update. I'm looking forward to the next months. "We will dance, dance, we will dance..." And I will enjoy what I can while it's here. Alright - (vanishing technique)...................................................