The past year

Throughout this past year I have felt a plethera of emotions.

This past year was probabally one of the hardest I have had to face, the death of my mom one year ago today took more out of me than I expected, and I also miss her more than I expected to.

I know that that may sound bad, but it is the truth, if you do not know my testimony that may sound strange that I didnt think I would miss her a lot, but if you were ever to hear my testimony you would understand why.  It is not that I did not love her, because I did and I still do, but it is because she did not always (or ever really) show my brothers and I the love that she had for us beause she was unable to.  She made bad decisions in her life, and that is why she could not show us love, she didnt know how.

I have felt so many emotions that I did not know were living in my heart, when someone dies it is amazing the amount of emotions that show themselves to you.  The day I had to say goodbye to my mom (8/11/2007 and two weeks before she died)  I met my mom for the first time.  That may seem strange too, but I met the mother that Christ meant for me to have.  Christ does not plan on us to have parents who are addicted to alcohol or drugs, and I think that is one of the biggest lessons I learned this year.  My mom chose those things with her will.  At one point in her life she had the control to say no but she CHOSE to say yes, and that yes had concequences that made her relationship with me, my brothers, and the rest of my family suffer.  But that day I saw my mom, I saw her weep for me, I saw her cry because she knew she would probabally never see me again.  And she didnt get to see me again.  I saw her emotions and her sensitive side for probabally the first time in my ENTIRE life.  I had to meet my mom (the one Christ wanted me to have) and I had to say goodbye to her in the same day. 

I felt guilty for not telling her how I felt, I felt anger at the fact that even when she lost my older brother and I she would not stop, I felt bitterness that I had to grow up in a home filled with addiction, I was angry at God for giving me a mother like that, I was angry at myself for not being more sensitive to her, and not sowing her the love that Christ showed and shows for us everyday.  I was disappointed at her for not keeping her kids as most important, I felt abandoned beacuse when I was in 3rd grade, my mother moved to FL and left me and AJ in a place that we still were not used to living, I felt betrayed beacuse she "stole" the money that was in my savings account.  I felt unloved beacuse she never showed us love, I felt selfish because I felt all of these other things, I felt like I was not good enough for her beacuse she was not showing me love, like I wasnt doing enough for her.  And most importantly or bigger that any of the others anyway, I felt like God was going to judge me the way humans judge me, I felt like he was going to judge me based on my mother's actions.   I shoud not have felt this way.

I realized in this past year that I am loved, my God loves me more than I could ever compare to the love of a mother.  God will judge me based on MY decisions not, my mother's or fathers' MINE.  I realized that in Christ's eyes, I am beautiful, I am exusite, I am beautiful, I am his DAUGHTER.

Today was a good day for me, supprisingly, I hung out with friends for a good portion of the day and when I wasnt with friends, I was in class or meetings.  So God is AMAZING and I love him more now than EVER before.  So even though I miss my mom and I wish I could have seen and known my REAL mom better, God is using the bad things I have been through to do good and to minister to others.

I hope everyone has an AMAZING night, and I will talk to you all soon!!!!!

summer

So my summer is going pretty well.  I have been working A LOT!!!!!!  I am working at day camp which has been ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE, and dales well it was dales last weekend was my last weekend, I am getting ready to come back to school as I speak, I was in a car accident the day after I got home from school and didnt have my car for five weeks, so all of my stuff was (is) still in my car so I am taking trips bringing it in and then repacking it, what I need is actually suprisingly a LOT LOT LOT less than what I have accumulated over the past year.  I miss Liberty and CANNOT wait to get back to school.

There were a couple kids from my church who had stopped going to church, kids who I love to death, and my heart broke when they began falling away from Christ, but they are BOTH back at church, and I think they are closer to Christ than ever before so it is AWESOME.  I have not been consistant with my quiet times AT ALL This summer, and I feel awful about it because I had made a commitment to Christ and I have no kept my part of the commitment, he is still there for me and loves me EVERYDAY but I did not hold my part.  Christ died for me, why is it so hard to give him just a little time each day????

This is really cool tho.  I have been missing praise and worship SOOOOO MUCH being home.  At school we get spoiled with amazing bands and amazing praise and worship when I get home the worship is still awesome considering it is being run by high school students.   But lately I have been missing praise and worship SOOOOOOOO much.  Well today, Jordan, an AMAZING musician from my church (she is 17) got to play with the guy who used to lead our worship when she, and 7 other ppl from my church were in Brasil.  And they sang, The more I seek you.  And she sang it this morning at church, it was just what I needed to get throught the next two weeks.  I am ready for LU in soooo many different areas, so I am counting down!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE WEEK AND 4 DAYS!!!!!!!!

Okay so I figured it was about time to update!!!!  In my last post I mentioned that my little brother was moving to Florida well he isnt cause my aunt and uncle that he was going to live with are moving to NY.  So I dont know if he will go to NY or stay in NJ with my other aunt and uncle. 

But my day on Feb 21st was actually VERY good, I did not get upset or sad at all, I did think about my mom but it wasnt in a bad way.  I made sure not to talk to my grandmother on that day or any days like that, because she gets very emotional and when she talks to me or my older brother she gets even worse.  And I know that if I were to talk to her on those days than my days would not be good because I would be affected by her emotions.

ANYWAY what else is new??? well the semester is almost over and I am working at camp again this summer which I am SUPER excited about I cant wait.  I wish I could go to Brasil again but it just is not possible this summer.  I cant wait for Creation 07 missing it last year really gave me a greater appreaction for it.  And I just am more in LOVE with Christ than I have ever been before, he just has his arms wrapped around my life and everything that I go through.  But he also has his hands around you guys and your situations.  But anyway I have to run I have projects and stuff I have to get done so I will talk to you all later, have a great day and God Bless,

Kristy