Currently Listening Tenderfoot By Without Gravity Beautiful Son see related

     Needless to say, it's been a few since I've posted anything.  I think it's because I never really feel like anything I have to say deserves to be heard.  However, tonight I'll get off my humble high-horse and tell you what's been on my mind lately.  And I guess if you give a crap you'll keep reading.  And if you really give a crap you'll tell me something about it. 

    I've been in San Diego for about 4 months now and it's been amazing.  I live in this slice of Heaven called Encinitas. It's a stone's throw from the ocean. Epic I tell you...Epic. That's my new word, epic, and I thought I should use it a few times.  I think I got it out of my system.  I've had the chance for the past few months to explore the realm of the surfing world.  I can't say that I'm much better than when I began but it's something my soul has come to love.  It's actually taught me some good tthings like how powerful something can be and how powerless I really am.  It's humbling when you aren't good at something but you really want to be.  It can be discouraging at times as well but nobody's really good at something when they first try it.  With all of that said I hope nobody takes offense to me making allegory to life and surfing, which is what I'm about to attempt. 

   When I first returned from Texas the surf was pretty good for about a week and a half.  Good surf meaning a swell came in that gave bigger-than-normal waves.  I was used to going out on 3 to 4 feet days and now I was in the middle of 6 to 7 foot monsters. (Real surfers would die of laughter if they heard anyone call a 6-7 footer a monster.) I realized that if just one of these waves were to hit a good size house, it would nearly destroy it.  And I realized if it came down on top of me (which definitely happened) it would nearly destroy me as well. Because the surf was so big, my learning curve was increased with the power of the flux capacitor. I learned when to paddle toward a wave, duck dive, bail or just know that I was about to get annihilated. One of my favorite parts is sitting on my board when a big one comes in and crashes right behind me. It's incredibly deep and I can feel it in my chest when it crashes down. Finally after several days, I dropped in on one of them for a few short seconds.  It's a feeling that my mind isn't really capable of describing so I apologize for that.  If I didn't know what falling in love was like before, I kind of do now.  Any idea I had about moving back to Texas diminished quicker than immediately. As far as I'm concerned the Lone Star State can kiss my new granola ass. 

  Since then the surf has been relatively small in comparison to those bigger days.  While it's still fun, to say the absolute least, I feel a great longing inside me for another swell to come in for some more of those big waves. And I think it's here where the thoughts kept creeping into me.  It's the thought that began to tell me that's how I'm meant to live life relationally.  I started thinking about my really good friends and how they're really good because of how deep they're willing to go with me.  It's deep where I can feel it in my chest like when the wave crashes. I'm willing to bet that I'd learn alot more about the self and more importantly life, if I chose do so.  It's pretty scary though, or I know I'm a little afraid to live life with people on a deep level.  And honestly I'm not at all good at it. Lately I've found it incredibly hard to go surface level with people as well.  It's put me in a tough place where I'm not completely willing to take my guard down, all the while longing for something deeper than the shallow of, "hey how's it going?" If you were an ounce smart you would see through my walls of sarcasm and jokes, my built in protection. Hopefully someday I'll be willing to take the risk of living deeper. For now I guess it will take some risks and alot of practice.

I guess that's all I really had to say. 

I was getting off of work the other day and I had to do side-work. That's Island's talk for bitchwork. They put me on the closing shift 3 days in a row as some sort of hazing ritual so I had to do alot of crap.  I was just about done when the bartender John said the managers were going to tell me to sweep the cabinet where the trash can is.  So I said, "that's gay."  The thing is, John actually is gay.  I felt pretty bad to say the least, wishing for the world I could take it back, and John wouldn't actually think I hated gay people or something.  For some reason it made me think about words and meanings of words. I started questioning the idea of cuss words. You might call them curse words.  What does it really mean to cuss?  Or what is  profanity?  The dictionary says profanity is along the lines of vulgar and abusive.  It made me a little more sad because I realized that in a very real way I abused John.  It's funny because Christians focus on words like shit. We say shite sometimes right?  Or ass is like an ace.  Crap and damn and  fuck too, we all have our pseudowords.  It's funny how I think of someone when they say they're fuckin tired.  I think, "wow I didn't know tired could be that way," or something real smart like that.  I wonder how they all got started as "cuss words," you know?  What makes them a cuss word?  My only guess is that somewhere along the way people started using them to abuse people and things and that's what made them come off profane and negative.  I just think I abuse people even when I don't use an aforementioned "cuss" word.  I don't mean to offend anyone who's reading this and I'm not proposing that we should start dropping bombs all over the place like it's Hiroshima.  I just wish I wouldn't automatically harbor a negative vibe when a person says they're tired or some shit. And I wish I would feel how abusive it is when I say how dumb,stupid, gay, fag, or fruity something or someone is. 

Peace.         

Currently Listening Z By My Morning Jacket see related

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything here.  That is if anybody else reads this besides myself. 

But I've been reading a book about post-modern christianity and it's definitely sparked some thoughts in my pea brain.  I'll talk more about the book in a minute though.  About a month ago I gave my friend Kyle a copy of a couple of DVD's to look at.  One is about the corruption of coporate America and another about quantum physics.  I realize now that these two movies mirror my thoughts and feelings about how I am currently viewing the world. If you know me at all, you know that quite frankly I'm sick of corporate America and I'm sick of American politics and American culture and American Christianity.  The truth is that I've felt this way for some time now.  I can't tell you exactly when it all started but I can tell you that since then I've been a regular at bashing the status quo.  That's how the first movie sort of represents my take.  The second movie suggest that we begin to approach life from a new perspective.  Although I do not subscribe to very much of what quantum theorists are suggesting, I do agree that we are in need of (and experiencing ) a major paradigm shift.  So in this book, the one I was talking about earlier, the writer suggests 4 phases in a paradigm shift.  What he has to say about how people feel when there is a transition is this: "In area 2 there is a high degree of frustration and reaction. An individual or group in this phase turns against the old paradigm and can't stop talking about how wrong, inhumane, or insupportable it(the current state) is."  Certainly this caught my attention.  I could relate to the individual of phase 2, no I've been the poster child for Phase 2. But what struck me more was what I read next. Phase 3: "In area 3, people gradually turn from deconstructing the past to constructing the future and begin the hard work of designing a new paradigm to take the place of the old one."  To be honest with you I got sort of fed up with myself and all the crap that I've thrown at people about what I think.  However, I understand now that there must be a period of deconstruction before rebuilding and improving can begin.  I just think I'm ready to end the Phase 2 in myself, to stop deconstructing something that's already deteriorated and begin a new phase.  I'm here to suggest that deconstructing can only do so much before we're left with a pile of deconstructed crap.  I'm here to suggest that we begin creating something new.            

Currently Listening Parachutes By Coldplay see related

     The power was out at my house yesterday and I hate that crap.  It's awkwardly quiet and hot and the thought of not being able to turn on the TV even if I wanted to bothers me. So I decided to walk around the neighborhood.  It was nice outside-kind of cool and not very humid.  The sun was setting and that's definitely my favorite part of the day.  I looked at all of the houses as I went by them. On one side of the neighborhood, the older side, most of the houses seemed different.  They were old and shanty looking and I liked them.  They all were sort of hidden in old, tall trees.  Eventually I made my way to the newer side of the neighborhood where I live.  The houses were impressive, most of them.  They all looked very similar in a way.  I stood in the middle of the street at the end and looked down the row.  I noticed you couldn't tell the difference in any of them like you could on the older side.  They were perfect though, all lined up with their nice cars parked in the driveway.  I just couldn't get over how they all looked the same.  I guess it's the suburbs.  It made me wonder if that's what I really wanted my life to be like in 10 years.    A comfortable house, two stories even? A nice car? I like Lexus SUV's a whole lot.  A solid job where maybe I'm bringing in 6 figures?  I can picture it and I like the picture.  A beautiful wife next to me and lots of kids watching movies in the back seat.

     In all honesty it made me sad.  All that I could feel inside of me was complacency.  I felt like crying.  I wanted to scream NO! at the top of my lungs and hold it for a long time. There were people outside so I didn't.  The idea of complacency scares me in a real way.  I felt selfish because I know my parents work hard and I've been comfortable my whole life because of it.  I just hated looking at it.  There has to be more than comfortable out there.  So I started to ask myself what exactly it is that I'm supposed to do? All that I could come up with is that if I could never trade making change for being comfortable than I'll be where I want to be.    

Currently Listening In a Safe Place By The Album Leaf see related

I enjoy deep conversations with people, I really do.  I've learned more from people than I have from school I'm sure of it.  My brother is one of those people who I've been able to go deep with recently.  I like it because we're very much the same.  We agree on a lot of the issues that come up and we don't really mean to, it just sorta spills out and one of us is like, "dude i feel the same way!"  I like it more because we don't necessarily share the same religious convictions.  It gives me a reality check in a weird way.  I imagine myself not even knowing this person and crossing paths with him.  I'm not sure if I would really like him as much as I do looking from the outside in. Would I get to know him? Would I know he's the way he is because he truly believes in being himself? Probably not.  It struck some chords inside me.  It made me realize how much I don't even give people a chance.  I'm going to judge you the moment I see what kind of clothes you wear.  I'll think one way or another of you if you're wearing a popped collar or a trendy thrift store tee  If you can believe me, I don't mean to, it just happens, subconciously if you will.  I could go through a hundred situations where I'm subconciously judging everyone around me but I think you understand what I mean.  The awful truth is that it's wrong.  It's an inherent flaw in desperate need of change.

     Another story.  I was in college eating lunch with a friend at our normal cafeteria spot on campus.  It was lunch time so there were lots of students around.  We were probably discussing the eccentricity of our social dance teacher.  He was convinced robots were taking over--suggesting we all watch Terminator and believe it.  All of a sudden we witnessed a student shouting out over the masses.  We couldn't hear everything but we did hear a few blurbs about "God" and "saving" and "you need it."  After he was done with his tantrum he just walked out.  I was kind of pissed and I asked my friend what he thought.  He said he didn't believe it was right.  He understood the kid meant well, but it didn't feel right all the same.  He said that there was a sense of detachment in what the kid was doing.  He said he could never do it because he would feel too self-righteous, and I like him for that.  This kid hadn't really done anything except tell people how messed up they were.  I wanted to tell him to f-off but I don't think that is right either.  What I do think is right is if we want to reach somebody we have to invest in them.  We should try building a relationship with them, and begin understanding where they're coming from.  You have to earn them.  I always hear people talk about Jesus hanging out in bars.  Call me crazy but I began to picture Jesus sitting down having a drink with some of the regulars--talking with them--laughing with them--getting to know them--truly loving them.  I think they loved him back.  They probably would have tried to jump him if they didn't.  Much in the same way I wanted to jump that kid who was yelling at everybody.  For a while I think I was consumed with everybody knowing I was a Christian instead of showing them what Christ is like.  It was lazy Christianity.  The truth is that I'm no different from the screaming dude until I decide to invest in people.