Older than Dirt

But Younger than Springtime

By David Roth

© 11^th April, 2008

“So, just how old are you gramps,”

the kid with the sideways hat

and crotch at his knees asked

with a sneer

intended to impress his friends

and intimidate me.

“Start at dirt and count backwards”

I said, with a mischievous twinkle,

“But stop before you hit Springtime.”

“Huh?”, the snappy comeback,

outdone only

by the incredulous look

and glazed over eyes.

“What planet you from, old man?”;

his attempt at witty recovery.

“That forgotten one,” said I

turning to depart,

“where cliché makes sense,

punk kids respect their elders,

and iPod’s still play

Rogers and Hammerstein.”

Sideways hat still looked confused.

Prhps nxt tm I shd jst txt it 2 hm.

OK – I admit it. I’m a sports fan – short version, not the longer, more aggressive version that borders on mental illness and manic behavior. For example, I only own two sports-team related pieces of clothing. I have a Pittsburgh Steelers T-shirt (it’s cursed, I’m certain, because without exception every time I wear it, they lose) and a Miami Hurricanes T – no curse on this baby. You would have to live in Pittsburgh to fully appreciate just how abnormally weird this is. If pass ten individuals on the street – in the mall – anywhere – in Pittsburgh, it’s a given that nine of them are wearing something sports team related, and mostly either Steelers or Penguins (the professional hokey – sic – team in town.)

By way of parenthetic editorial comment, allow me to cite as evidence the fact that the City of Pittsburgh and the county in which it resides, Allegheny, were willing to pretty much give the owners of the hokey team a new 18,000 seat arena costing upwards of millions of dollars – to keep them here in town. Don’t know where the money is coming from – there are potholes on Pittsburgh streets that can house a medium sized third world country not to mention the numbers of people who sleep under the many, many bridges in Pittsburgh, and there isn’t money to feed the hungry or house the homeless, byt by golly, we can somehow manage to give away several blocks of prime downtown real estate so Mick Jagger and the boyz will rethink coming to da ‘burgh now that we will have a big enough venue to support them (I kid you not – one of the reasons given by the city and county for building a new arena was that the Rolling Stones wouldn’t schedule a concert in Pittsburgh because the current arena only seats 11,000 for a concert. Bear in mind that for a hokey match, the arena will seat 17,000 – 1,000 fewer than the new arena). Ditto the casino civic leaders are currently prostituting themselves to get built, but that’s another thing all together.

Back to the clothing.

You really can’t pass anyone on the street here without there being an unnaturally high probability that the individuals you pass are wearing sports team apparel. Here’s an interesting thought: Nike, for example, pays Michael Jordan millions of dollars to wear their logo stuff, and they give him the stuff to boot. If I want to give the Steelers my share of free advertising – they don’t pay me to ewar a Steelers shirt – I have to spend my own money to buy it! Now there’s a gimmick: get people to buy T-shirts with the Sometimes I Hear Voices book cover on the front – and pay me for the privilege on top of it!

Ah, capitalism at its best!

So – here’s what I came aboard today for. I have already openly admitted that I like sports, but I’m not a rabid fanatic. Here’s a few more fun facts for the next edition of Trivial Pursuit – Obscure Edition.

I prefer ‘being there’ - i.e. At the arena/stadium to watching it on TV. I prefer college sports to professional, and sometimes even high school over pro. I’ve been to the old Orange Bowl to see the Dolphins and Hurricanes. I’ve been part of two half time shows and one pre-game package for the Dolphins. I met many of the ‘Perfect Season’ (I might add for the benefit of you New England fans out there, the ONLY perfect season team) Team and lived in Miami during that season. I used to walk past the Dolphin training camp on the way to school and lift weights with Larry Little, Mercury Morris, Jim Kick and Larry Csonka during the off season at the weight room at Miami Dade North, where I attended my first two years of college. I have been to see the original Miami professional basketball team – the Floridians – at a home game played at Miami Dade North using free tickets I won in some kind of radio contest. They won that night, but mostly they sucked. Even then professional basketball was a fourth quarter event. As a child I watched the Yankees with my grandfather on weekends. I saw ‘Sweet’ Lou Witticker hit his first major league home run in a Detroit Tiger-Toronto Blue Jays game at Tiger Stadium in Detroit to break up a 7^th inning tie and eventually win that game.

I was a college Gymnast, and even helped coach Kurt Thomas a little while the kid was a student at Miami Central high school. He was great even then! I met Magic Johnson one night back when he was a senior in High School in Lansing, Michigan, and I didn’t have a clue as to who he was. All I knew was he said his name was Earvin. Truly one of the most humble people I’ve ever met.

I loves my Dolphins and I cheer when Michigan State basketball takes the court. And, the fact remains for all the world to acknowledge, ‘If You Ain’t a ‘Cane, you just ain’t’.

And, I say with a great deal of pride that I have never been to either a NAS(ty)CAR Race or a professional (I use that term tongue planted firmly in cheek) wrestling match, nor do I watch either on the telly.

I’ve seem some pretty amazing sports plays over the years, but few more spectacular than the clip you’ll see below this text. It’s from this year – during the NCAA tournament, I think. Patrick Ewing, Junior.

Enjoy.