Vas Ist Das 'Est'?

I keep finding stuff that's important - and by "important" I mean "related to either Jesus, Oprah, or Kirstie Alley."  I really could care less if Oprah hates Rachael Ray - who can blame Her? - but it's really too much to have an arrow pointing out Kiristie and saying "Even her ankles are fat!"  That's just mean.  Isn't it?  I mean, I laughed out loud when I read it, but is this really the point of magazines - to recreate high school pettiness in a more public and embarassing forum?

Speaking of forums, a friend of mine and one of the "gentle readers" of this blog, attended a thing called The Landmark Forum awhile back, and enthusiastically advocated that people join and check it out, since he'd enjoyed it so much.  I was afraid it might be something like Scientology without the aliens and the potato clock, though, and I didn't go.  He said you worked on a large project as part of your training, and since my main goal in life currently is to start my own Oprah Winfrey-based cult, it seemed like it would be redundant to join a different cult in order to accomplish that. 

Then this girl at work just yesterday morning said she'd met my other friend last night at a Landmark session, and that I should come to an introductory session.  I told her I didn't want to go to a self-help thing, and she said I would like it and it's great and I should come to an introductory session. Then our meeting started, but when it ended I saw her on the elevator, and she kept talking about the forum and how I should come to her introductory session, that she loves it so much she volunteers there, and as the elevator doors were shutting she suggested that maybe I'd like to come to her introductory session. 

She was so enthusiastic, in fact, that I became markedly suspicious.  It was sounding a little too much like a collective cooperative community outreach program project to me, so as we all should do in times of confusion, I asked myself, "What would Oprah do?"  

Oprah would ask one of her Production Assistants to look into it for Her, I'm sure, but since I don't have any PA's handy, I looked it up myself.  It turns out the Landmark Forum is the 1990's reinterpretation of "est."  Est, you may recall, is mentioned by Sandra Bernhard on the opening to her album, Excuses For Bad Behavior, Part 1, so naturally I have discussed it at length with The Clever Man.   If you'll allow me the courtesy of quoting myself, I wrote the following est-related anecdote back in 2005:

The Clever Man once told me the following anecdote:  A friend of his went to an est orientation several years ago.  I believe the whole est thing is defunct now, so it would have had to be awhile ago. 

est, if you don't know (and I barely know myself) was a wacky spirituality thing that was popular in the 70's, much like Scientology, The Kabbalah Center, and Christianity are popular these days. 

Apparently, what they would do at the est induction seminar is that they'd get a big group of people - and possibly Linda Evans -  into a big room where they'd yammer away with their spirituality hokum introductory crap - lying on mats and closing their eyes and self-actualizing and all that sort of zen-like meditation hibberty-jibberty, but here's the funny part: they wouldn't let you leave, even to go to the bathroom, and it went on for hours. 

At some point during this excercise, you were suppposed to have some sort of transcendental moment, where you would get "It".  "It" was some sort of unexplainable moment of realization or something, but apparently it couldn't be explained to people unless you had them lying on mats for hours on end, bladders swelling, stomachs growling, and at some point they would just get "It." 

You would ask an est  person, "Well, what is 'It'?" and they would say, "I can't explain "It," you just have to experience "It"!"

So CM's friend is lying there after several hours of this irritation, eyes closed, being led in some sort of mediation exercise, and she falls asleep!  But then, even worse, she is awakened some unknown time later - not by her bladder, like you'd expect - but she is awakened by the oohs and ahhs of excitement of everyone around her- they had just gotten "It"!  She'd slept right through "It" and missed the whole thing! 

All those hours of hunger and meditation and pee-holding-in had been wasted on her! 

I bet that really sucked. 

She never had the energy to go back and put up with the whole thing again to find out what the hell she had missed.  I have a feeling "It" was just an enormous diappointment, like The English Patient, but, like The English Patient,  no one wants to admit that they'd wasted that much time on something that shitty, so they just pretend it was great, even though it sucked, big time.

I'm less bitter about The English Patient these days, but I'm never going to get those - what was it, three or four hours long? Seemed like five at least- several hours of my life back, am I?

So I guess from reading this bit here, it's not the same exact thing as est - they have more frequent bathroom breaks, at the least - but I really think I'm going to continue my own self-induced self-help course rather than join that one - currently my self-help book is Spy: The Funny Years. 

Even though it's not actually a cult, I still just don't think it's for me.  I tend to self-help through books rather than groups.  I'm glad my friend and coworker enjoy it, though, and on the plus side est is actually listed on the enemies list of Scientology, so at the very least they are on the opposite side of whatever Tom Cruise's side is - ha ha. 

I did find an interesting bit on this other page of people's descriptions of their session:

"God" was only mentioned a couple times, and then only in passing; the time I remember well is when the trainer told us he could only tell us one thing about God: "She's black".

Well, they got that right! 

O-men.

Currently Reading SPY: THE FUNNY YEARS By Graydon Carter, George Kalogerakis, Kurt Andersen see related

Jesus Has Come Again!

Turns out he's named Ted and looks a lot like Nick Nolte in the beginning of Down And Out In Beverly Hills.  Conveniently, he's got a website called Ted Jesus Christ God Dot Org.

He says things like "TED Jesus Christ GOD is TRUE and REAL and ACTUAL SECOND COMING of JESUS and CHRIST and JESUS CHRIST and THE CREATOR and GOD to WORLD Earth," and has a photo gallery, which I think it is a nice entry point for you to take a gander into the all-seeing eye of crazy.

Or else you can watch his YouTube videos:

That is all.

Have you guys heard about "O, The Oprah Religion"?

As Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing worse than being talked about is NOT being talked about. And I don't like those curtains."  Or something like that.  Anyway, I'm excited to find that I'm being talked about by a group of English As A Second Language Catholics in this message board thread.  It seems that the only people who take O, The Oprah Religion seriously are Christians who find it heretical.  The supposed liberal elite scum - the ones the Christians think would be first in line to worship Oprah - seem to be under the impression that I am pulling their leg.  I'm not sure if Alanis Morisette would say so, but I just think that's really ironic.

That is all.

Well, Hello Little Blog!

Brenda Dickson has recently updated her blog. She does not seem to be at all aware that people like her Welcome To My Home video because it's funny.  Also she gives advice to ward off suicide by using vitamin packs from GNC:

One of my fans has written a suicidal help note!!! That's an urgent matter. I do happen to have some good advice (this advice can be used by all my fans). It will work if you do it, and, you must promise to try. Ready? First stop by your nearest GNC Store, buy a box of vitamins, the kind they sell in packets. So, it is many in a cellophane wrap. Also get the right one for your age and gender. Pick up capsules of calcium/magnesium in capsule form (not hard pill form, capsule form), take the vitamins daily, 1500 IU of Calcium/Magnesium nightly and I want you to join a gym if you can afford it (check with you doctor first to see if it is O.K.). Get a trainer for one day to show you the ropes of how to use the equipment. You must do 30 minutes three days a week or more. If you are out of shape, you may have to build up to it by stair master, bike or walker. By using the stair master, bike or walker, combined with the weights, your endorphins will kick in, you'll be smiling even at the worst problem. If you can't afford a gym, go outside, take a 30 minute walk and some running. You can buy videos on weight lifting or aerobics. Do that too, especially if you can't afford a gym. Buy a video. Step class or some movement of the entire body called Aerobics. If you do this three days a week, you'll stay steady and happy. No drug or alcohol for awhile. Start feeling good again! It will work if you do it! Take the Calcium/Magnesium at night before bed. It will clam you. This is good for all my fans.

I'm intrigued to find out what she could possibly mean by "it will clam you."  Is that an expression they use out in Hollywood, glamorousglamorous Hollywood, where Brenda lives?

She has this interesting tendency to talk about patriotism, but only in how it relates to how she should have gotten better alimony in her divorce settlement:

Thank you all for your continued support. Please, if you have time, drop a note to the above people. This is the "United States of America." Many men have died to keep our country a free country. Our courthouse, judges and attorneys are supposed to be on hollowed ground. This country must be protected from such outrageous misuse of the law.

Brenda is right - although courthouses really should be on hollowed ground, they are frequently built without basements of any kind, especially in the south where basements are less common.  Is that what the troops would fought and died for?  I think not!

That is all.

"Calm"!  She means the magnesium will CALM you, not "clam" you.  Geesh, it took me forever to figure out that misspelling.

THAT is all.

Mothers' Day Is Coming!

Before you bitch about how expensive it is to send a bunch of roses, just be thankful you don't live in Utah.

Or Texas:, for that matter:

That is all.