DavisMcDavis's Xanga

MARY AND CHRIST WILL HUG AND KISS YOU FOREVER IN HEAVEN

Thu, 08 May 2008 10:38:51 GMT

I keep finding stuff that's important - and by "important" I mean "related to either Jesus, Oprah, or Kirstie Alley." I really could care less if Oprah hates Rachael Ray - who can blame Her? - but it's really too much to have an arrow pointing out Kiristie and saying "Even her ankles are fat!" That's just mean. Isn't it? I mean, I laughed out loud when I read it, but is this really the point of magazines - to recreate high school pettiness in a more public and embarassing forum?

Speaking of forums, a friend of mine and one of the "gentle readers" of this blog, attended a thing called The Landmark Forum awhile back, and enthusiastically advocated that people join and check it out, since he'd enjoyed it so much. I was afraid it might be something like Scientology without the aliens and the potato clock, though, and I didn't go. He said you worked on a large project as part of your training, and since my main goal in life currently is to start my own Oprah Winfrey-based cult, it seemed like it would be redundant to join a different cult in order to accomplish that.

Then this girl at work just yesterday morning said she'd met my other friend last night at a Landmark session, and that I should come to an introductory session. I told her I didn't want to go to a self-help thing, and she said I would like it and it's great and I should come to an introductory session. Then our meeting started, but when it ended I saw her on the elevator, and she kept talking about the forum and how I should come to her introductory session, that she loves it so much she volunteers there, and as the elevator doors were shutting she suggested that maybe I'd like to come to her introductory session.

She was so enthusiastic, in fact, that I became markedly suspicious. It was sounding a little too much like a collective cooperative community outreach program project to me, so as we all should do in times of confusion, I asked myself, "What would Oprah do?"

Oprah would ask one of her Production Assistants to look into it for Her, I'm sure, but since I don't have any PA's handy, I looked it up myself. It turns out the Landmark Forum is the 1990's reinterpretation of "est." Est, you may recall, is mentioned by Sandra Bernhard on the opening to her album, Excuses For Bad Behavior, Part 1, so naturally I have discussed it at length with The Clever Man. If you'll allow me the courtesy of quoting myself, I wrote the following est-related anecdote back in 2005:

The Clever Man once told me the following anecdote: A friend of his went to an est orientation several years ago. I believe the whole est thing is defunct now, so it would have had to be awhile ago.
est, if you don't know (and I barely know myself) was a wacky spirituality thing that was popular in the 70's, much like Scientology, The Kabbalah Center, and Christianity are popular these days.
Apparently, what they would do at the est induction seminar is that they'd get a big group of people - and possibly Linda Evans - into a big room where they'd yammer away with their spirituality hokum introductory crap - lying on mats and closing their eyes and self-actualizing and all that sort of zen-like meditation hibberty-jibberty, but here's the funny part: they wouldn't let you leave, even to go to the bathroom, and it went on for hours.
At some point during this excercise, you were suppposed to have some sort of transcendental moment, where you would get "It". "It" was some sort of unexplainable moment of realization or something, but apparently it couldn't be explained to people unless you had them lying on mats for hours on end, bladders swelling, stomachs growling, and at some point they would just get "It."
You would ask an est person, "Well, what is 'It'?" and they would say, "I can't explain "It," you just have to experience "It"!"
So CM's friend is lying there after several hours of this irritation, eyes closed, being led in some sort of mediation exercise, and she falls asleep! But then, even worse, she is awakened some unknown time later - not by her bladder, like you'd expect - but she is awakened by the oohs and ahhs of excitement of everyone around her- they had just gotten "It"! She'd slept right through "It" and missed the whole thing!
All those hours of hunger and meditation and pee-holding-in had been wasted on her!
I bet that really sucked.
She never had the energy to go back and put up with the whole thing again to find out what the hell she had missed. I have a feeling "It" was just an enormous diappointment, like The English Patient, but, like The English Patient, no one wants to admit that they'd wasted that much time on something that shitty, so they just pretend it was great, even though it sucked, big time.

I'm less bitter about The English Patient these days, but I'm never going to get those - what was it, three or four hours long? Seemed like five at least- several hours of my life back, am I?

So I guess from reading this bit here, it's not the same exact thing as est - they have more frequent bathroom breaks, at the least - but I really think I'm going to continue my own self-induced self-help course rather than join that one - currently my self-help book is Spy: The Funny Years.

Even though it's not actually a cult, I still just don't think it's for me. I tend to self-help through books rather than groups. I'm glad my friend and coworker enjoy it, though, and on the plus side est is actually listed on the enemies list of Scientology, so at the very least they are on the opposite side of whatever Tom Cruise's side is - ha ha.

I did find an interesting bit on this other page of people's descriptions of their session:

"God" was only mentioned a couple times, and then only in passing; the time I remember well is when the trainer told us he could only tell us one thing about God: "She's black".

Well, they got that right!

A whole pile of these fliers appeared in our neighborhood this week. They are strangely Warhol-ian for a crazy person's street sign, don't you think? My favorite line is "MARY AND CHRIST WILL HUG AND KISS YOU FOREVER IN HEAVEN." That's a nice thought, isn't it? And you know it has to be true because it's written in ALL CAPS. Not so nice is "YOU MUST KEEP THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OR THE DEVIL WILL TAKE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND MAKE BATS OF YOU."

O-men.

Jesus Has Come Again!

Wed, 07 May 2008 13:41:45 GMT

Turns out he's named Ted and looks a lot like Nick Nolte in the beginning of Down And Out In Beverly Hills. Conveniently, he's got a website called Ted Jesus Christ God Dot Org.

He says things like "TED Jesus Christ GOD is TRUE and REAL and ACTUAL SECOND COMING of JESUS and CHRIST and JESUS CHRIST and THE CREATOR and GOD to WORLD Earth," and has a photo gallery, which I think it is a nice entry point for you to take a gander into the all-seeing eye of crazy.

Or else you can watch his YouTube videos:

That is all.

Have you guys heard about "O, The Oprah Religion"?

Wed, 07 May 2008 11:59:20 GMT

As Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing worse than being talked about is NOT being talked about. And I don't like those curtains." Or something like that. Anyway, I'm excited to find that I'm being talked about by a group of English As A Second Language Catholics in this message board thread. It seems that the only people who take O, The Oprah Religion seriously are Christians who find it heretical. The supposed liberal elite scum - the ones the Christians think would be first in line to worship Oprah - seem to be under the impression that I am pulling their leg. I'm not sure if Alanis Morisette would say so, but I just think that's really ironic.

That is all.

Well, Hello Little Blog!

Wed, 07 May 2008 11:02:15 GMT

Brenda Dickson has recently updated her blog. She does not seem to be at all aware that people like her Welcome To My Home video because it's funny. Also she gives advice to ward off suicide by using vitamin packs from GNC:

One of my fans has written a suicidal help note!!! That's an urgent matter. I do happen to have some good advice (this advice can be used by all my fans). It will work if you do it, and, you must promise to try. Ready? First stop by your nearest GNC Store, buy a box of vitamins, the kind they sell in packets. So, it is many in a cellophane wrap. Also get the right one for your age and gender. Pick up capsules of calcium/magnesium in capsule form (not hard pill form, capsule form), take the vitamins daily, 1500 IU of Calcium/Magnesium nightly and I want you to join a gym if you can afford it (check with you doctor first to see if it is O.K.). Get a trainer for one day to show you the ropes of how to use the equipment. You must do 30 minutes three days a week or more. If you are out of shape, you may have to build up to it by stair master, bike or walker. By using the stair master, bike or walker, combined with the weights, your endorphins will kick in, you'll be smiling even at the worst problem. If you can't afford a gym, go outside, take a 30 minute walk and some running. You can buy videos on weight lifting or aerobics. Do that too, especially if you can't afford a gym. Buy a video. Step class or some movement of the entire body called Aerobics. If you do this three days a week, you'll stay steady and happy. No drug or alcohol for awhile. Start feeling good again! It will work if you do it! Take the Calcium/Magnesium at night before bed. It will clam you. This is good for all my fans.

I'm intrigued to find out what she could possibly mean by "it will clam you." Is that an expression they use out in Hollywood, glamorousglamorous Hollywood, where Brenda lives?

She has this interesting tendency to talk about patriotism, but only in how it relates to how she should have gotten better alimony in her divorce settlement:

Thank you all for your continued support. Please, if you have time, drop a note to the above people. This is the "United States of America." Many men have died to keep our country a free country. Our courthouse, judges and attorneys are supposed to be on hollowed ground. This country must be protected from such outrageous misuse of the law.

Brenda is right - although courthouses really should be on hollowed ground, they are frequently built without basements of any kind, especially in the south where basements are less common. Is that what the troops would fought and died for? I think not!

That is all.

"Calm"! She means the magnesium will CALM you, not "clam" you. Geesh, it took me forever to figure out that misspelling.

THAT is all.

Mothers' Day Is Coming!

Tue, 06 May 2008 14:55:50 GMT

Before you bitch about how expensive it is to send a bunch of roses, just be thankful you don't live in Utah.

Or Texas:, for that matter:

That is all.

Coming Up: How To Solve The Problem We Created For You

Tue, 06 May 2008 09:55:11 GMT

The parts they don't say on the news are really the funniest. Last week on the news, the anchor lady segued to the commercial by saying, "Coming up next: how to talk to your kids about those Mylie Cyrus photographs!"

You know, because talking to my kids is a concern of mine that I want handled by a local news team rather than my own brain. I was so amused I almost glanced up from playing World of Warcraft.

But what she was really saying was "Coming up next: how to talk to your kids about those Mylie Cyrus photographs that we've been showing all week long, and will show again in the segment we're talking about! Terrible, sexy incest photographs your teen should never have seen, photographs that we can't stop showing!"

I mean, some of these news stories about parental outrage, I wonder if there really is any actual outrage before the news team gets there? Could there really have been that much parental outrage over Grand Theft Auto IV prior to its release? And are we all shocked that Mylie showed her back? As evidenced by my Oprah religion, I suppose it's easy enough to get Christians angry over things that don't exist, but still...

I wonder if the concern is that Mylie's back exposure is the first tiny step toward the adult phase of a child celebrity, and we know that "adult phase" nowadays generally means the child is chewed up and spit out by the public, as we know from taking a look at her compatriot, Britney Spears. Britney also started out on some sort of Disney product - sweet and innocent - and by the time her career ended she'd exposed every single inch of her body, even the parts that should have been covered by hair.

So maybe when people are looking at Mylie's back, they are thinking of Britney's crotch, and that's what sets them off.

It's only a matter of time, I suppose, before whatever mild teen torments she might normally be able to struggle through privately are now going to be followed weekly on the cover of Star magazine, where any casual supermarket shopper can see and judge her, leaving her a crushed and broken person after two years of the alternating "Mylie: Explodes into fatness! Are her horsey teeth the cause of her tremendous girth?" and "Mylie: Near death from anorexia, and no one knows why!" headlines that are sure to come. Poor thing.

I was personally afraid this would turn into some sort of lesbian panic thing, actually, but either people don't know Annie was born on the Isle of Lesbos, or they don't automatically think lesbians are pedophiles, the way that gay men are assumed to be. Imagine if it was Zach Efron inead of Mylie, and that he had showed his ass to say, Bruce Weber. Actually, on second thought, let's not imagine that - I'm not sure if that's even legal to imagine, so I'd better stop right there.....

That is all.

Update: AZStudent linked to a picture this neat photo site called Imagechan that I've never seen before. They have all sorts of funny images, like these, for example:

THAT is all.

A Nun's Life

Mon, 05 May 2008 14:15:35 GMT

I can't think of anything to say today, really. Oh, except did you see Tom Cruise being interviewed on Oprah? It was their first post-couch-jump interview, and they discussed couch jumping, Brooke Shields, and that creepy Scientology video. Tom just seems to be full of crap, if you ask me. His smile and his laugh seem totally fake to me. I look at that smirkety-smirk face and wonder, "Just who do you think are you fooling?!?!?" George Dubblyuh Bush rubs me the exact same wrong way.

I did get to wondering why Scientology is a religion, exactly, and not just a really involved self-help course. The answer, though, is that, unlike Tony Robbins, Scientology has a creation myth involving an evil galactic warrior named Xenu - but they totally avoid talking about that kind of thing when they hook you up to the potato clock in the subway to do a "stress test." I guess it's no sillier than the idea that an unmarried pregnant woman got in her particular predicament without the use of a penis, or that the first man and first woman created all life on earth through the use of two brothers, one of whom killed the other...but it's not something that Oprah asked Tom about, either. Anyway, I'm just glad to leave Katie and Tom and their whole box of crazy in their cabin. Who needs it?

Katie does look awfully nice now that she's dressing like Posh Spice. I like the way her bob accentuates her brittle, sharp cheekbones.

So here is a video I found on my own on a Warcraft site and then one that Jill sent that's even awesomer:

I like how the nuns look. Shouldn't they be looking a little happier, though? Being present at the crowning of a new pope is like the highlight of a nun's life, isn't it? I know it's got to be terribly boring, but unless they turn lesbo or start dipping into the communion wine for breakfast, it has to be the most exciting thing that's going to happen in their excrutiatingly nunny existence, so they should really try to enjoy it.

That is all.

Earnest Goes To Church

Thu, 01 May 2008 11:51:20 GMT

Sometimes I get an ally in my Oprah video comments, like my new best friend, ReligionIsACrutch, who spontaneously chimed in with the below:

ReligionIsACrutch :Too bad Jesus doesn't heal all the babies born with birth defects and people missing arms and legs.

It's weird how Jesus only heals things that could have gone away on their own.

I agree - it really is strange to me that people don't think about this more. If you're going to accept that God cures cancer through prayer, then you also should logically allow that he never heals amputees through prayer. And it naturally follows that since Oprah has actually restored a person's missing ear on her program, through the use of a clever prosthesis made pro-bono by a Hollywood makeup artist, it follows that Oprah is more powerful than the God of the Christians. It's undeniable!

But instead of just bending over for Oprah, the Christians just keep on explaining away their God's inability to do anything worthwhile, as in the below response to the above comment. I have added bolding to emphasize the part I found funniest:

sadiesasha83 God allows things to happen no doubt. God is just! You couldn't understand. Those who endured what we may not understand will be renewed when they return home and will have greater than most. It will all work out in the next age of eternity! You have to understand why we are here. If you don't understand why we are here and the beginning and that there are 3 ages spoken of in the Bible, you cannot understand anything and there is no way any one person will understand everything in the flesh.

It's really difficult to make a point on Youtubes comments, since you only get something like 250 characters - including spaces! I'm really a terribly wordy person - I'm so attached to my adverbs and subjunctive clauses - so I find it very limiting.

DavisMcDavis
sadiesasha83: You're right, I can't understand why a "just God" would allow children to die of cancer. However, I actually CAN understand how, if there is no God, a child could develop cancer. Your "explanation" that God randomly "allows" things looks the same, to a non-Christian, as a nonexistent god doing absolutely nothing. That you would choose to worship such an impotent deity is beyond my comprehension. Oprah has powers much more mighty than your weak God. Bow down before her!

I think it's best if you read that last line in the voice of the Skeksis from The Dark Crystal. Skip ahead to 9:18 in the below clip for the example:

But Sadie refuses to believe in the might of the Blessed Oprah in spite of my pointing out her superiority:

sadiesasha83
DavisMcDavis: Because you don't understand doesn't mean there is no God. Those children are dead in the flesh only! They live on with God and are happy and healthy! God is just. You will get what you deserve in the end and I will get what I deserve! go ahead and bow down to Oprah see what she can do for you when you pass this earth! I choose to worship a just God even though I don't understand everything! Those who suffer unjustly here will receive greater in the eternity!

What a silly thing to say! I don't care about Oprah can do "in the end" - I care about what Oprah can do right now, like give me a car or a unique hand-carved pepper mill! Here's where the short length of comments gets to me. I'd like to address why she thinks children should justly get cancer - what could a hypothetical three-year-old possibly have done to deserve leukemia, I'd like to know - but due to space limitations I just keep it within character. I doubt I'll convince her of anything, but I love this scene in particular and am thrilled that it is - vaguely - relevant to what she said:

DavisMcDavis
sadiesasha83: Let us look to the screenplay for the movie "The Color Purple" for answers.

In that movie, which is inspired by God, by which I mean Oprah, and therefore unavoidably true, a wise Oprah said to Whoopi Goldberg, "I love me some Harpo, lord knows i doooo, but i'll kill him dead fo' i let him beat me..."

Whoopi replied, "This side last a 'lil while Ms. Sophia, heaven last always..."

Oprah replied,"Celie, you betta bash Mister's head open and think bout heaven later."

O-men.

How do people arrive at such concrete beliefs about the unknowable, and how are they able to maintain them in the face of facts? It's really a mystery to me...

In other news, after about two weeks of bashing Barak Obama for having a pastor she didn't like, Elizabeth Hasselbeck almost split in two on The View yesterday when Joy Behar trotted out some choice quotes from John McCain's spiritual advisor, John Hagee, namely that Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment on the New Orleans because the city was going to have a Gay Pride parade.

You know, and to prevent the gay people from parading, God killed a bunch of poor black people and destroyed their homes. Makes sense to me! Elizabeth didn't think those quote were relevant to McCain, though, because....ummm...they just weren't. What's funniest of all - or maybe the saddest - is that I bet that deep inside their heart of hearts, about 50-75% of the Republican party believes that statement is true, but they are smart enough to keep it to themselves.

The rest them are totally stupid and just say it out loud.

That is all.

It Could Be Worse...

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 15:06:49 GMT

I'm sad I didn't see it live, but apparently last night on American Idol, Paula Abdul managed to screw up even worse than normal. It's like she's living in her own version of Lost, a sad, short Desmond adrift on a sea of pills and with no constant to hold her steady in our own timespace continuum.

There's this line in Batman where the Penguin says to this one guy, who complained about something or other, "Well, it could be worse - your nose could be gushing blood!"

And then everyone kinda laughs nervously, trying not to stand out by not laughing, but having no idea what the Penguin is talking about - I imagine this happens to George W. Bush all the time - and then the Penguin jumps up and bites the guy on his nose, which begins to gush blood.

I'm reminded of that scene every time Handsome Mister Goats worries aloud that he might have chosen the wrong shade of beige, taupe, or bone for one of our walls or pieces of furniture, which are technically all different colors, but are actually all colors that could be mixed on your plate at Thanksgiving, even if you leave out the sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce.

"I think I should have gotten the other color. This is totally the wrong color!"

And then I'll say, "It could be worse, your nose could be gushing blood!"

(He doesn't think it's so funny, but maybe he's never seen Batman.)

My point, and I do have one, is that my nose gushing blood pales in comparison to this horrible story that Brycemaster Bryce sent to me right after he sent me the Paula Abdul story, about a white heterosexual guy who locked his daughter in the cellar for 24 years while repeatedly raping her: Inside the cellar where father locked daughter for 24 years and repeatedly raped her.

But it's really nose-gushingly more awful than just that. The guy fathered 7 children with his daughter, 3 of whom were also kept in the cellar and have only now just seen daylight for the first time, including one who is 19. While my parents are truly wonderful people, and I had a great upbringing thanks to them, I did have some tough times in high school amongst my peers. But then again, in comparison to being locked in a basement for all of my existence, maybe getting called 'faggot' twice a day wasn't so terrible in comparison. Y'think? (And besides, they were right: I AM a faggot - a great big juicy one!)

So the next time you have a problem, just think to yourself, "Is this worse than being locked in a cellar for 24 years while being raped by my father?"

Hopefully the answer will be "No."

Have a nice day! Oprah loves you - I'm rather fond of you myself!

That is all.

The Blessed Oprah's Outreach To The World Of Warcraft

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 13:59:09 GMT

I don't know why I clicked on it - oh, I tell a lie - I do know why - but apparently the Mormons have their own matchmaking site. All the testimonials seem to be from people who have met and become engaged in about three months, so it seems to work really well at finding a guy his first wife. I tried to fill out a form and there's no "men seeking men" option, and no box to check if you are married and looking for a second. Sad!

I couldn't have been more excited the other weekend when I was playing World of Warcraft and came upon the Temple of Tehlamat. As the Lord and Savior of all creation, I'd naturally expect Oprah to be everywhere at once here on earth, but little did I know that her powers extended to the Hellfire Peninisula in Outland! I've made a video for you of my historic discovery as Jerriblank offers her allegiance to Caregiver Ophera Windfury, innkeeper at the Temple:

That is all.