DeRanGeDXQuotes's Xanga

Monday, June 09, 2008

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 05:10:57 GMT

so let me explain what's been going on in my life lately. i've lost people i loved dearly and i've completely changed. i was a really great christian and everything was going great. and then, i slipped. i went back to the old me and things have changed more than i would like. i've done so many things i regret. i lost two of my bestest friends, but i know they'll always be there for me, but they aren't anywhere close to how they used to be. i know that God is always there watching over me and helping my through my problems, but i need some help from people too. i just need some encouragement. well, also... i've become really good friends with my ex and it's killing me. i love him. everyone knows that. i'd give anything to be with him again, but i've been having a hard time excepting that it's up to God whether or not he comes back to me. so i shouldn't worry about that. i'm sorry i have posted in forever. i'm going to try to post more.. i'm sorry if i forget. please pray for me. i really need it. thanks.<33

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:05:59 GMT

by summer i'll have you on your knees.
come August and you'll lie right through your teeth.
and it's oh so typical but what i need.

i showed you stars you never could see.
it couldn't been that easy to forget about me.

i can't breathe and i can't feel.
i don't want to eat and i don't want to move.
i'm stuck feeling like i'm going to fall apart.
i've cried for hours and i can't end it.
without you near me, my world just stops.

i can't do the talk, like the talk on the TV.
and i can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be.
i can't do everything, but i'd do anything for you.
i can't do anything except be in love with you.

so i lift my chin and the show goes on.
the sky is listening, the stars all sing along.
but you're not there anymore,
and i just can't care anymore.

sorry it was short. :/

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 22:22:47 GMT

i haven't updated in forever. : /
i'm so sorry.

"You're just like God made you, so embrace that, love on that. I know how hard it is some mornings to look in the mirror at all your imperfections and be stoked about what you see, let alone feel loved, but how about today we try? I mean what the heck if God sent you here looking that way i got a real good feeling we are who we are for a pretty good reason. Know today that you are adored, God adores you, and if you don't believe that its cool you don't have to. It does not mean at all that you're still not adored." - Aaron Gillespie

I know that there are certain people in my life
that are holding me back, so what do I do?
Let go of them, move on, cause my dreams
are what matter most.

Let go when you're hurting too much, give up
when love's not enough, and move on. When
things aren't like before, for sure there is someone
out there who will love you even more.

One day you'll love me as I loved you ;
one day you'll think of me as I thought of you ;
one day you'll cry for me as I cried for you ;
one day you'll want me but I won't want you.

She's been hurt many times before this.
You'd think it would be routine by now.
You'd think she wouldn't let this get to her.
But the truth is, she trusted you.

Beauty is not showing skin & selling it;
it's the natural figure of one's flaws whose
not afraid to be underweight or overweight
but knows that there is more than just looks.

i gotta keep believing
if i'm gonna get over you.
i gotta keep moving,
i've done all that i can do.
i gotta believe it,
and we both know the truth.
goodbye mr. beautiful,
you're someone i never knew.

Another color turns to gray
and it's just too hard to watch
it all slowly fade away.
I'm leaving today 'cause I've
gotta do what's best for me.

I’m about to see a million things
I thought I’d never see before
and I’m about to do all of the things
I dreamed of
and I don’t even miss you at all.

i'd like to be the one
to pull you through your darkest times
I'd love to be the light
that finds you

Some things don't last forever, but some things do.
Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory.
You can take out & unfold in your darkest times,
pressing down the corners & peering close,
hoping you still recognize the person you see there.

comment? sub? please.
<33 lexa

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 22:16:56 GMT

There's not a lot for you to give if you're giving in.

There's not a lot for you to feel if you're not feeling it.

Bring it up and bring it in and we'll get you fixed up in no time;
What I wanted most was to get myself all figured out
and what I figured out was that I needed more time to figure you out.
Cause this love is all I have to give.
this buisness of art.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.

And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond

what you can bare. But when you are tempted, he will also

provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

-1 Corinthians 10:13

"Much of life is about holding on and letting go,
and trying to learn when to do which. Letting go
is the hardest thing that I have ever experienced.
Holding on is the thing that comes naturally, but
if you're going to do it, you have to really do it.
You have to make choices and you have to fight
to defend the things you choose.
You have to decide what is important." - Jamie Tworkowski

She'd tell him about her dreams.
He's just shooting them down.
He loved to make her cry.
"You're crazy for believing you'll ever leave the ground."
He said, "Only angels know how to fly."
&& with a broken wing she still sings.
She keeps an eye on the sky.
With a broken wing, she carries her dreams.
You ought to see her fly.
-Wing by Martina McBride

i have seen the bluest skies
rainbows that would make you cry
i have seen miracles that moved my soul
people that have made me whole
i have seen days that changed my life
i have seen the brightest star shine like a diamond in the night
i have seen all this and more
but i've never see a smile
more beautiful than yours <3

i hope your dreams take you to the corners of
your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to
the windows of your opportunities, and to the
most special places your heart has ever known.

Every day could be our last.
Today, instead of hating with all your heart,
Love with all your worth.
Instead of weeping until you can no more,
Laugh until you hurt.
Instead of being silent and unheard,
Sing the melody of a songbird.
And instead of taking all that you want,
Give all that you can.

God saw you were getting tired,

and a cure was not meant to be.

So he put his arms around you

and whispered, "come with me."

With tearful eyes, we watched as

you passed away; although we did

love you deeply; we could not

make you stay. Your golden heart

stopped beating, hard working

hands at rest. God broke our hearts

to prove to us - he only takes the best.

Hold my hand and have a real conversation with me.
Tell me something you trust only a select few with.
Look me in the eyes and smile. Tell me what you really
think of me. Not what you want to think. Give me a
chance, let yourself fall.

God determines who walks into your life.

It's up to you to decide who you let walk away,

who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

Heavenly Father, help us remember

that the jerk who cut us off in traffic

last night is a single mother who

worked nine hours that day and is

rushing home to cook dinner,
help with homework, do the laundry
and spend a few precious moments

with her children. Help us to remember
that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested

young man who can't make change
correctly is a worried 19-year-old college

student, balancing his apprehension over

final exams with his fear of not getting his

student loans for next semester. Remind us,

Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for

money in the same spot every day is a slave

to addictions that we can only imagine in our

worst nightmares. Help us to remember
that the old couple walking annoyingly slow

through the store aisles and blocking our

shopping progress are savoring this moment,

knowing that, based on the biopsy report she

got back last week, this will be the last year

that they go shopping together. Heavenly Father,

remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us,

the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share

that love with those we hold dear. Open our
hearts not to just those who are close to us,

but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge

and quick to love.

Last night I looked up at the sky, and thought to myself -- how breath
taking, how mind blowing beautiful it is up there. The stars were shining
so bright and the moon was gleaming. The sky line went on and on and on,
never ending. And I felt this feeling all over, this comforting feeling
that tingled from my head all the way to my toes. I knew at that very
moment it was you, smiling down on me -- telling me not to worry
everything's all right.

sorry this post isn't long.

there's song lyrics at the bottom.

comments would be greatly appreciated. :D

<333 lexa

Wes King - I Believe Lyrics

I believe
In six days and a rest
God is good
I do confess
I believe
In Adam and Eve
In a tree and a garden
In a snake and a thief

I believe, I believe
I believe in the Word of God
I believe, I believe
'Cause He made me believe

I believe Noah
Built an ark of wood
120 years
No one understood
I believe Elijah never died
Called fire from heaven
On a mountainside

I believe, I believe
I believe in the Word of God
I believe, I believe
'Cause He made me believe

It's been passed down through ages of time
Written by hands of men
Inspired by the Lord
His Word will remain to the end
I believe Isaiah
Was a prophet of old
The Lamb was slain
Just as he foretold
I believe Jesus
Was the Word made man
And He died for my sins
And He rose again

I believe, I believe
I believe in the Word of God
I believe, I believe
'Cause He made me believe

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 19:35:50 GMT

wow. two months. i'm so sorry.
i didn't even realize it'd been that long.
well, i thought i'd update for you guys. :D

You said you'd love me forever,

Then you said it's over
And left me without the missing link.
I thought I'd forget you, but I guess I forgot to.
Lately I've been too confused to think.
When I reach for someone new,
It's like I'm touching you.

you still mean everything to her
but you're just not worth the fight anymore

she hugs him goodbye like it's nothing
while all she wants to do is hold on forever
but she lets go, smiles, and walks away

I like not being a double zero in jeans unnaturally;
skeletons just aren't my thing. So what if I jiggle a bit,
confidence will give me all the happiness I need.
It's okay if I'm not the hottest girl around, as long as I
have a decent personality, I'll be fine. I've lived,
I've laughed, I've loved. Maybe not in the ways people
would appreciate, but it's been more than enough for me.

sometimes, to keep it together,
you have to leave it alone.

Tell me I'm not making a mistake. Tell

me that you're worth the wait, that
you're always going to be here. Make
me believe that I'm making the right
decision by still holding on. Show me
that you're going to be around to
catch me when I fall.

Well there's a secret I've been perfecting,
I swore I wouldn't, but you let me.
I'm comfortably confused.
&& you, you've gotten so removed.
You know I could take the place of those pills.
Ocean blue, paint it white.
Now who are you going to call tonight?

I'd like to stay a secret, like walking
in the dark. If no one knows you, no
one cares, so no one breaks your heart.

you never leave someone behind,
you take a part of them with you,
& leave a part of yourself behind.

i want so badly to believe that there is truth;
that love is something truly real.
i want life in every word to the extent, but that's absurd.
i know you're wise beyond your years;
do you ever get the feeling, that your perfect verse,
is just a ~~lie you tell yourself to help~~ get you by?

When people don't express themselves, they die one piece at a time.
You'd be shocked at how many adults are really dead on the inside,
Walking through their days with no idea who they are,
just waiting for a heart attack or cancer or a Mack truck
to come along and finish the job. It's the saddest thing I know.

And suddenly,
I become part of your past;
I'm becoming the part that don't last.
I'm losing you and it's effortless.

Here's a toast, to the good days, the
better friends. The ones that you just can't
imagine life without. The people that have
taught you how to party, how to live, how
to have a good time just sitting around.Here
are to the people that no matter how bad
things seem, are going to be there for you
to lean back on and catch you if you fall.

we've learned to run from anything
uncomfortable.we've tied our pain below,
and no one ever has to know that inside
we're broken,i try to patch things up again
to calm my tears and kill these fears, but
have i told you,i'm not going cause i've
been waiting for a miracle and i'm not
leaving, i won't let you, let you give up
on a miracle, when it might save you.

What does it take to hope? Everything.
Hope takes never ceasing to be amazed,
wearing your soul on your sleeve,holding
your breath, waiting to hear "I love you
too."Believing that tomorrow could be better
than today, that you'll get a second chance,
that you'll make a difference, that you'll finally
be able to stand for something in your life.

This is not who I'm meant to be.
This is not how I meant to feel. I don't
think I am strong enough to do this
much longer. God, I wish I was stronger.

i need you. i don't know why,
but every now and then in my life,
for no reason at all, i need you.
++The Labyrinth

peace is not something you ~~wish for,~~
it's something you make.
something you do, something you are,
and something you give away.

i won't say your name without a smile.

wasted nights, we feared our home.
i drove you anywhere you'd want to go on nameless streets.
you told me you loved me, forever and ever again.

you can't save me. it's no fault but mine.
if i could gather up the nerve, i'd put my feelings into words.
and if i weren't so young, or stupid, or restless.
i might be able to just soon forget this.

smile, it makes the world seem less terrible.

that's all. comments would be nice. :D
<333 lexa

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 22:46:03 GMT

sorry i haven't updated for a while.
i'm really trying to update more often.

So I am reminded of things I've forgotten.
The way doors can open and people just walk in.
It's not unexpected, no, it's just how you planned it.
I'm beginning to think that it might never happen.
But now it's happening.

can we talk this over? at least just for tonight.
i asked myself one hundred times
why did we even bother? why did we even try?
but i miss you more than i did before

I wait for the days when I will forget who you are.
When the taste of your name sounds old and worn.
I wait for the days when I won't remember why I needed you so bad.

it's hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same.
it's funny but stupid how you want everything & nothing at the same time.
it's crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on, and when you
want to move on but you're stuck right where you started.
when feelings come and go and you can't decide what you want.
when you have so many things to say but you don't know where to start.

& I fell hard, quickly. I think this is me finally realizing that
it wasn`t my fault, that things aren`t just meant to be.
I`m going to stop being bitter & start being happy, cause
he will always have a special place in my heart & he knows that..

In your heart, you know what is right & what is wrong. You know what will ultimately move you ahead & what will hold you back. Though you may be very good at rationalizing against it, the truth is evident when you make the effort to look for it. Though others may be skilled at talking you out of it, you know what is best for your life. Go with your heart. Listen to that voice inside you, the one which makes the most sense & which, in retrospect, is almost always right. In a world where deceit too often is just another strategy, develop a habit of seeing the truth with your heart & not just your eyes. No matter who else might want to take credit for it, the fact is that you have succeeded in bringing yourself this far. And you are the person best equipped to move yourself positively into the future. The value of your life experience is not only in your mind, it is embedded in your heart. Look at the world with all the good that is within you, & you will see it with sparkling clarity.

So I guess she's alright if perfection is what you like
And I'm not jealous, no I'm not
I just want everything she's got
You look at her so amazed
I remember way back when you used to look at me that way
Tell me what makes her so much better than me
What makes her just everything that I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can't remember when it was me.

it's okay to need someone else.
that's what makes us strong. that's
what makes us human

You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy,
even if you're not the reason behind that happiness.

I've been trying not to love you, I've been putting up a fight.
I've been barely holding on, and letting go with all my might.
There's a part of me that's empty, I know only love can fill.
I'm afraid I'll never fill it, and scared to death I will.

I smile so my tears won't fall.
I laugh like I don't hurt at all;
and I fake it so he'll never know,
I still haven't let him go

I'm not supposed to love you,
I'm not supposed to care.
I'm not supposed to live my
life wishing you were there.
I'm not supposed to wonder,
where you are or what you do.
I just can't help myself,
I'm in love with you.

i ran out of reasons to smile;
and then you came along.

i don't know who you are,
but somehow your breaking my heart.
and i don't know where you are,
but like a drug lift my up to the stars.

i'll be with you, but i will never be yours.
you're a heartbreaker.
and i've been hurt too many times before.

i gave what i gave.
i'm not sorry i met you, i'm not sorry it's over.
i'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

I love you & i probably always will.
but we go days without having meaningful conversations.
& i used to miss you so much when that happened.
but it never seemed like you missed me,
& i guess because of that, i stopped missing you.

Everybody knows they're going to die,
but nobody believes it.
if we did we'd do things differently.

comment & subscribe.
lexa.<33

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 21:43:34 GMT

well, i'm single again. : /
i broke up with eric at the
beginning of this week because
it just didn't feel right. i'm still
not over my ex. and i can't handle
a relationship right now. but
here's an update. i hope you guys
like it. comment and subscribe please.

I'm done losing sleep because of you.
I'm done holding back tears at the thought of you
I'm done being depressed over you.
I'm done crying my eyes out because of you.
I'm done asking the same questions that go unanswered.
I'm done wondering what the hell you're really thinking.
I'm done.

as much as that hurt.
i wish i could just
kiss him again.
be with him.
have him love me
but he doesnt.

you are still the only one i truly trust with my life.
i feel that if i run to you now, you'd still be standing
there with open arms and let me cry on your shoulder,
but both of us know you have too much pride to let
that happen. what we had is something i can't seem to
replace. and i think that is the reason why my depression
has flared up so much more. because you were the one
keeping me sane and you're gone.

Maybe I could have loved you better.
Maybe you should have loved me more.
Maybe our hearts were just next in line.
Maybe everything breaks sometimes.

I guess it`s gunna have to hurt.
I guess I`m gunna have to cry &
let go of some things I love to get
to the other side. I guess it`s gunna
break me down like falling when you're
trying to fly. It`s sad but sometimes
moving on with the rest of your life
starts with goodbye.

My heart is dead and so are you
And it pulses through, the desire to change
The desire to deconstruct all of my past failings
But where to begin?
Because when you live in sin
it's hard to look at saints without them
Reflecting their jet black auras back on you
And all I have is hope, my inner burn's not fading
I'll wipe the blood from my cheek and get on with my day.

there's a kind of emptiness that can fill you.
there's a kind of hunger that can eat you up.
there's a cold and darker side of the moonlight,
and there's a lonely side of love.

I’ve changed. Hard to imagine isn’t it?
I was such a naïve girl when you knew me.
I thought that happiness was always so easily
obtained. I’m different now. I don’t cry.
I don’t smile. I changed my hair too. Do you like it?
I do. And maybe it hurts being this numb. But
then again you don’t feel anything. Nothing at all.
Except at night sometimes, when I begin to realize
that I’m completely alone. I’m completely alone.

i still remember the way you would pull me
close and just kiss me like you meant it.

People who belong together,
stay together despite major
setbacks and disagreements.
They may deal in fault and
blame temporarily, but
ultimately they work things
out. Love conquers all; in
sickness and in health.

I'm not saying that I'm giving up.
I'm just trying not to think as much as
I used to cause 'never' is a lonely little
messed up word. Maybe I'll get it right
some day. For the first time in a long
time I can say that I want to try. I feel
helpless for the most part but I'm
learning to open my eyes. And the sad
truth of the matter is, I'll never get over it.
But I'm gonna try to get better and
overcome each moment in my own way.

The truth is, I still haven't talked about it.
The depression is the same no matter how
many masks I wear. It's suffocating, there's
no escape. It's agony and I know it's my life.
At times it leaves, but it never fully goes away,
not completely. Then there are times when I
don't want to eat, I can't fully function. It's
the most intense pain anyone could ever feel.
The smile I wear is just a cover-up. It's bearing
down on me. I want so bad to let people know
the real me. I don't like hiding how I feel all the
time. The real me is so complex, so complicated.
I, myself do not fully understand who I am. I tell
myself there is no cure for this excruciating pain.
Happiness is an ongoing battle, a state of mind,
something I'll be fighting with for the rest of my life.
So I continue to wear the mask of the person
everyone wants me to be because they would not
come close to fully understanding who I really am.

i still wish you would call.
Not to go do anything, just to talk.
i miss hearing your voice every night,
and i guess i just miss you making me smile.

He was different.
He never said "I want to be friends."
After he said goodbye, it was like he knew,
he knew that he had broken my heart bad enough
when he saw my tears fall. He knew me well enough
that he just knew what to say. And when he
spoke, he looked me in the eyes and said,
"I hope you talk to me again someday."

and suddenly I realized
how much I hurt you
I wish I could apologize
but that might hurt you more

I want to thank you.
Thank you for always listening
to me when I just needed to vent.
Thank you for understanding what
I needed, for being my best friend.
And for not giving up on me when
everyone else had.

Here it goes. I know you`ve moved on, moved on for good, but there are things
you don`t know, things that I don`t show; things that I hide inside. I know
to you it seems like I didn`t care, seems like I was never there, but there
was never once a day that you didn`t cross my mind a million times. &
believe me, if I could go back, I would, but things are different now. Time
caught up with us & broke us apart, cause now you found someone else.
But that`s not what bothers me. What bothers me is that you left me & that I
left you, with words unspoken & a story unread. Words that are still
trying to escape my heart & reach out to you, words that don`t notice that
time has past; words that still have meaning. What bothers me is that you
didn`t see the tears I cried & you didn`t know that I lied when I told
you I was happy. What bothers me is that you still cross my mind a million
times a day & even when I`m sleeping, I can still hear your voice telling me
how much you love me or how much you miss me & that`s the only time
I`m ever happy. It`s when I`m reminiscing about you & dreaming
about us. But when reality hits me, it just kills me. But the thing that
bothers me the most is that all of this could`ve been prevented if I
had just said something or done something, & the only thing that
doesn`t bother me is that I`ve learned a valuable lesson;
you don`t really know what you got until it`s gone.

Sometimes you just need someone.
Someone to make you smile when you're sad.
Someone to tell you you're beautiful.
Someone to look forward to seeing you every day.
Someone to call you every night.
Someone to say I love you and mean it.
Sometimes you just need someone.

so hold me close tonight. and take me with you
when you leave. we'll watch the pieces falling
closely into place. i'll make you believe.
and if I could see the world in different colors,
i'd read it in the air as signals send them
through. but everyone is just a different shade of you.

You look so [shocked] when you saw my scars.
What, did you think I was strong enough to handle it?
If you did, then sweetie, you don't know me at all.
These [smiles] are fake. Just another lie people bought.
You would never know the disaster that's behind them.

Were you scared that for once, just for once,
I could be that one girl that will stay by your side?
That one girl that will see your flaws & learn to love it?
That one girl that will fight until the very very end for you?
That one special girl who will unlock the lock to your heart?

Maybe one day you'll be better, you'll be smarter.
More grown up, and a better son or daughter.
And a real good friend, and you'll be awake.
You'll be alert, you'll be positive though it hurts.
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your
friends and you'll be a real good listener.
You'll be honest, you'll be brave,
you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful;
you'll be happy.

you still mean everything to her...
you're just not worth the fight anymore.

comment and subscribe please. :D
<3 lexa