Currently Listening Adema By Adema The Way You Like it see related

R.I.P May 2006 - February 2008.

I'm gonna close this down. I don't update at all anymore, I don't have much to say and not many come to read it. All I do is bitch and moan, do nothing to change my life and wonder what the hell is wrong. I'm tired of it, you'd be tired of it and there's no reason to post or read about it. So, see ya'll around the web in some way, some how. Though, it wouldn't be prudent to shut down without plugging my deviantarts page for all my writings and soon to be photography.

You all have a good life, don't do it because I said so but do it because its the right thing to have.

My deviantart's page is http://deadinside200.deviantart.com/

Currently Listening Korn - Greatest Hits, Vol. 1 By Korn Word Up! see related

I Was a Creature Before I Could Stand.

Boy, it has been a while hasn't it? Not a whole lot has happened for me to post other then I am back on my diet and sticking to it. I was 291 now I'm down to 265, it's slow going but I'm doing a lot more then just changing my eating habits. I'm walking more, doing some exorcises in the morning and eating more protein then carbohydrates. Like I said, it's slow going and I think its because what they say when you do a crash diet type deal... once you regain the weight, it becomes much harder lose but I don't mind too much... I'm dedicated to it and I look much thinner then I did before. Oh, another thing that has happened is that I broke a tooth. My top, right very last tooth in my mug. It hurt when it popped off, but it doesn't hurt when I drink something cold or eat something hot. Even though it doesn't hurt to do it, I rather not chew on that side anyways for fear of getting an infection of some sorts and not being able to afford the dentist/doctor bills. So I just try to keep it as clean as possible.

Anyways, the REAL reason I wanted to post is because of this. Teen Girls Accused Of Setting Kitten Ablaze. 2 teenage girls were caught by a young boy after he heard the screams of the kitten after it was set on fire by the girls. They were laughing as the 8 week old kitten was burning to death, but luckily, in a sense, the boy found them and saved the kitten. The poor thing was burned on over 75% of its body and the girls are only in Juvenile Confinement for only 3 years. Only 3 years. An innocent, defenseless kitten was tortured by 2 young women who are of the age to know better and they only get 3 years. Does the punishment fit the crime? Not in my eyes. In my eyes they lost their rights to live.

Yeah I said it. They need to be executed out back, Old Yeller style and even THAT is too good for them. I love animals to death. I value animal lives LONG before I value a human's life. Now, I do value the lives of family and friends by a long shot but when it comes to a total stranger on the street... I prefer to let them drive off the cliff after I cut their break lines. I say all this because I don't believe humans are above animals, we ARE animals. What makes us better then a cat or a dog? The fact that we have thumbs? Build cars and planes? Whoop de fucking doo! Given time and proper conditions, what's to say that a cat wouldn't evolve to be able to build the same things? The monkey did, why not cats?

We are all in the same food chain. Once we are out of our protective little houses, we are as vulnerable as any other animal out there. Don't believe me? People are getting mauled by sharks, lions, tigers and bears, oh my! They'll eat our asses quicker then we could eat theirs.

Another thing... what creature on this Earth is more destructive then "humans"? NONE. We start wars, we chop down forests and we destroy our ozone. We live in excess and kill our selves but we call ourselves superior. If anything in the animal kingdom, we are the retards of the world. That's it, plain and simple. No animal would shit where they sleep and what do we do? We not only shit on it, we completely and utterly destroy it. And we sit back like nothing is going on. I hate to say it, but some Green Peace and PETA have some good points. I don't go out and advicate nor do I condone what they say and do, but I do agree with some of their points in a sense.

Now I'm not saying I'm gonna go out and change my eating habits to eating only vegitables because I like steak. There are nutrients in cows, pigs, chickens and every other type of animal that is commonly eaten on a daily basis that we need and require by eating them and I'm not going to get from a Tofu sammich. I'm not touching Tofu ever. You can beat me until I'm half dead and I still wont eat it.... but I digress. My point is I don't think we should value ourselves higher then any other animal because we ARE animals. Just because we happen to "own" them doesn't make them any less then us.

I know its probably corny and cheeseballish, but who really owns who?

Anyways, I don't know if I got my point across and I don't even know if half of it makes sense but this is just my opinion and thought process. I could get in deeper on some of the points I brought up but its getting late and I hate to just leave and come back later on because I'll then struggle to try to remember what I was going for.

Oh and one more thing about Micheal Vick... The NFL needs to get rid of his ass if he doesn't go to prision for what he did. I don't know if he was there personally or it was a bunch of his friends on his property doing it, either way... he threw his career away with this. I never liked the guy in the first place, sure he was dynamic in the fact that he could haul ass into the inzone and throw a ball if he wanted to, that never made him a fantastic player in my eyes. He doesn't match up to Payton Manning, Donovan McNabb or Tom Brady. I hope he does go to jail and the NFL gets rid of him. Tank Johnson did less then Vick and he was thrown out, do the same to Vick.

Currently Listening Slipknot By Slipknot Diluted see related

Fight the Break of Dawn.

Well I got a reason to update, and I've had it for quite a while. I don't know why I've been sitting on it for so long, I just didn't feel like it. Last Saturday I was able to pump out a new story for everyone... ok just the two people who stop by on accident to enjoy: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/54298300/

The inspiration for the story? Yeah you know that girl I liked so bad and it ended so miserably between the both of us... Yeah well it was "thanks" to her. I just wanted to get rid of every known exsistence of her out of my head, and for a long while it was going great until she decided to contact me again... Not just with anything, but to tell me she lost a family member, which really pissed me off. For one she was back in my head, another she tells me that someone died. I don't know why she thought it was a good idea to tell me, was it to get a notion of sympathy from me so she can tell me that she hasn't been happy ever since she gutted me like a fish? I would like to say there is no sympathy... not for her, her feelings, or her loss. You fuck me over like that I will cut you out of my exsistence like a cancer, I got enough shit to drown in long before I add on someone else's, especially when I have nothing for them. I tried to do a stand up thing of sending a message to her of I'm sorry for your loss, if she got it ok... if she didn't, well, I don't give a fuck. I laid in bed trying to rid her of my thoughts with Slipknot as I slept, but as everyone can see... the combination of the two just motivated me to purge my feelings in story form. So hopefully, with this update I can finally rid her of my head again.

Currently Listening Dark Light By H.I.M. Rip Out the Wings of a Butterfly see related

Happy Valentines Day.

Well I was going to come on here and put Valentine's Day down. You know, rail about how it's a fake holiday, fuck this and fuck that, but it's really fuck me. Yeah me. It's because I'm single again, and I've gone numb to the feeling of love all over again. It's not because I got dumped though, but more along of how I got dumped. Apparently she was seeing someone else for a week going by what she said, but the guy said they were going out more along the lines of 2 months. So... I've been dumped.

So add another to the Lonely Hearts Club.

I could sit here and bad mouth her for doing something like this to a guy who would destroy Heaven and Hell for her, but what's that going to do in the end? Nothing. I'm still going to be cold, alone, and dead inside. Instead, I'm just going to write my thoughts on how it feels to be in love, what love is in my opinion and cap it off with my feelings on losing it in the end.

Personally, I see love in being a double sided knife. Its the greatest feeling in the world when you have it and the worst feeling in the world when you lose it... When you have it, you feel invincible, like nothing ever can go wrong because you have someone that cares for you just as much as you care for them. You feel like nothing is impossible and you'll do anything for that person just to keep them loving you. You'll bend over backwards to please them, make them happy and have them say those magical words... I love you. Of course, I'm still a young whipper snapper myself and still have a lot to learn about love, because to tell you the truth... I don't know a God damn thing about it, just what I know from what I've felt from my first relationship. To say I have real experience with someone in a full long relationship would be a lie... all my relationships have been through the internet. Though my very first one I have actually spent time with the girl in real life, it still fell apart. It was my fault really, I was pushing her into having sex, but I had NOTHING to offer her substantually in the sense that we couldn't go out on real dates and be alone with each other, I was... and still am a Loser. So lets just leave it at that. I really did love her though... I would of done anything for her and I was trying... but she broke up with me before I could prove myself to her...

Being broken up with is a very difficult thing to do. I desperately wanted to keep it going, I told her I would wait for her and everything because I really needed her love. She was my reason to live in a world this fucked up, but I ended up screwing it up. My fucked up head... I'm just stupid, I'm paranoid... very insecure with myself and afraid that I'll lose her which made me say some fucked up things and do some pretty stupid things which completely ruined the friendship after the break up. Girls, can I tell you something? NEVER ask a guy to be friends with you after you rip their hearts out of their chests, it's just about almost impossible to do unless you guys split on VERY mutual terms. If you guys were friends before hooking up, then more then likely you guys will remain friends after the break up. It hurts so bad to know the girl you love so bad is going out with another guy while you stand on the side lines. If you decide to break up the relationship, cut all ties from each other. When my first girlfriend broke up with me... that was the first time I ever experienced my entire body just go numb at once. A few seconds passed and it started to feel like a million pin needles being poked into your skin and being electrically charged. Then all the numbness went to my nose, which was pretty fucking strange. After all that, I lost control and broke down crying... because my everything just left me. My world shattered and I just didn't care about anything in life anymore.

There was a hole in my chest that ached so badly that living was just impossible to do, and I attempted several times to commit suicide... as a previous blogging would tell you. That break up is my reason for the name DeadInside. It took me a very long time to get through that dark period, a lot of music helped me through it and a lot of hurtful stories were written to help sort out my feelings. For a long time after the break up, I couldn't stand the sound of her name, the name of the city she lived in... any of the things she liked... everything was so damn painful. The second, this most recent break up, relationship I had... it isn't worth mentioning because we had nothing really. Just an attempt at the impossible. I shed a few tears for it, but it in the end... it wasn't that big of a deal that I can't bounce back from. I'm more pissed off from it then anything else.

 So what else can I tell you? In the end, with all the pain that I went through... that a lot of people go through... To love and to loss is better then never have loved at all, that's bullshit. I would much rather not have loved someone then to love someone so badly to the point that they become your DNA and then lose them which takes 4 years of your life from you. Not loving is a lesser pain then spending your nights waking up after midnight because you had a dream about your ex still loving you. Its Hell I tell you. But... you can't give up on love. Ever.

Like riding a horse, you fall off... you get back on. You get your heart broken, you take your lumps and then you continue on because there is always someone out there that will love you. As the old cliche goes... There are other fish in the sea, and I'll be damned if those sayings aren't always right...

Currently Listening Foiled By Blue October She's My Ride Home. see related

Tell Me All Your Thoughts on God.

Cause I'm on my way to see HIM. Yes, him. I know the song goes I'm on my way to see her, but that's not how I see God being with a gender. I don't really see the big deal in what color, sex, or anything else relating to what God is, but God is an omnipotent being that doesn't have any of that. Since it is a deal with some people and I'm expressing my points of view on God... I would see him as a he. Why? Because I'm going on the whole Mother Earth aspect of it and, besides the whole science that we have now where artificial ensemination is possible, you need a Mother and a Father to give birth to a child. We are the children of God and Earth. Earth provides us with everything we need to be alive: food, oxygen, a place to live - like a Mother's womb. God provides us with rules, guidance and disciplines us when we got out of hand like a Father would. I put get in past tense because this is where it leads me into my next point of view on the subject of God...

Where did he go? In the Bible, God was around doing random things like starting floods and being Wrathful because of our lost ways. He spoke to people, which now a days... when someone says God spoke to them, the majority would consider the person to be insane. What if God really is talking to them, even if they go on a killing spree and claimed that God commanded them to do so... why is that so odd of God to ask someone to do that when in the Bible, God had to prove to Satan that the people would still believe and worship him even when he does horrible things to a man's family. What if, at that moment, it was another one of God's ego trip to prove he still reigns supreme over Satan to have that person kill everyone he can? Of course, it would go against the Commandments of Thou shall not killth another person... so, who knows.

Speaking of not killing... do people who serve in wars and the police officers who are forced to take someone down by lethal means go to Heaven or Hell? We would love to believe that they go to Heaven because they were serving the greater good, but in the end they performed one of the greatest sins in taking another person's life. I know its a situation of 'It's either you or me that's going to die.' Self peservation, but you are still taking another person's life. I appreciate all the work of the men and women in the line of fire everyday and really do wish the best for them each day they are in that line of fire. I just hope that if there is a Heaven or Hell, they won't be judged harshly by their actions of taking another person's life, but by the actions before that and after that with all the great things they performed over that black spot in their life.

At this time, there's something I gotta point out before we continue... I don't know if I believe in God or not. It's tough to believe in him when you don't exactly know if he's there or not for you. I know he doesn't serve us, we serve him but when all the bad things in the world happens... you have to question just a little bit. I don't care how faithful you are, there is a part of your brain that will ask -Why- when something bad happens to good people. Why do the good get punished and it seems like the bad always come out smellling like a rose. I'm not talking like when someone is snowboarding/skiing, they take a tumble, slam into a tree and break a bone of sorts. I'm talking like when an drunk driver slams into someone who doesn't drink at all, flies out of the windshield and walks away with little more then possible broken bones or a concussion, while the person who doesn't drink dies in the crash. I know it can be said that since the person is drunk, they are more limber and loose... they can just flop around and be fine but all the while the one who is sober stiffens up and that causes all kinds of harm to the human body. That's not what I'm talking about, why wouldn't God intervine in some sort of way to allow both to survive. Why wouldn't he let himself be known to let the faithless to believe? I guess an arguement can be made that God only wants the most devote believers in Heaven, but wouldn't that go against the grain of us being all of his children? Why would you want your children to spend a life time in Hell just because they didn't believe exactly how he wants? Give us something to believe in other then a blind leap of faith.

Now it is true that I don't know if I truely believe or not, there are all these scientific proofs to disprove the exsistence of God. That we all evolved over time and the creation of the Universe was through the Big Bang Theory which created all these galaxies and planets. That's fine and dandy in a sense... but what happened to cause the Big Bang, what and where did all those particles from to be able to cause it all. That's the hardest thing ever to explain. If there is no God, then how did the Theory even come to be... If there is a God and I get a chance to ask him just one question, it would have to be 'How did he come into exsistence?' What was there before God himself? Is there a point in time that there's was absolutely nothing there... no time, no space, nothing at all... a void of nothing. Can you picture that? That's what I'm afraid about death, I cease to be completely. Even if you make your make on the history books... but there is a condrediction with me as well... even if I did die, why would I care if there is nothing at all, I'm dead and I wouldn't have any control over it at all... so I just gotta accept it and move on with life. It's still a scary thing to think about, even if you come to accept it.

It's tough to just use a book as a reference as how God is, or was... or however. Its a book written so long ago, in a time I'm not even sure if there was paper to write on. It seems that it would be stories that could of happened and passed along from person to person until finally there was paper to write it on... by then, who knows how warped and twisted the original story has become. Also, the Bible was written in Latin then into German... from that to another and so on and so forth... you have to consider the translation from Latin to German, some words had to be changed in order to fit the German language. Now I'm not saying its true, its just an assumption because from what I learned... the English language has words that even German's don't have... that has to be kind of the same with Latin and German.

Now for the most part, the only thing that's keeping me from actually not believing in God is how did we come to be via the Big Bang... what caused it and the such... but there is one more thing. I might have had a personal religious experience. When I was a young lad, in the middle school era of my life, I watched a TLC program with my mom about Angels and the impact people had when seeing them during near death experiences. It started at 10 at night and ended at 11, now this was late for me back then so I immediately went to bed. At this age I still prayed to God and before I finished my prayer, I asked God to give me a sign to show me if I had a Guardian Angel of my own. No sooner then I said Amen, my body was paralyzed from the neck down and I began to shake violently. I was completely aware of everything around me and what was happening, my body was shaking but nothing else was. Not the bed, not the night stand, nothing... So it couldn't of been an Earthquake. I began another prayer asking for it to stop because he made the point quite clearly, when I said Amen again... my body stopped shaking. It was very unsettling in a sense that I had no control over my body at all except for my head. Now I know you're probably asking yourself - Why would someone, who went through something like this, still question faith in God? And you know what... I don't know. In a way it could be scientifically or medically explained in some fashion, but still... how do you explain that the moment I said the second Amen, my body stopped shaking? I can't, and I doubt anyone else can either.

I haven't prayed in a long time and I haven't really turned my back to God... it's just I'm lost right now and I'm trying to find my own way. But even if I say I don't believe in God... in the back of my head I really do because you can't just explain everything with science.