| I really don't want to try and get over you again.
I'm tired of crying.
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| Xanga looks so different now.
I think I've convinced myself that I have some sort of anxiety disorder. And I need something to help me relax.
I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew what I was doing.
I just read my last entry and I can't believe almost half a year later, I still feel the fucking same way.
It just breaks my heart.
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| I wonder if anyone still reads my journal. It's been so long since I've last logged on. Everything looks different. But I guess that's expected. Everything changes. And almost everything has changed since I last logged on. Sometimes, I wish there was a constant in life that didn't change. It'd be my source of comfort, at least. Something that is reliable and dependable and will never look, feel, sound, taste different no matter how many days, weeks, or years have passed.
On the other hand, I'm bored of everything. Everything is the same. Every morning, wake up, skip breakfast, go to work late, pretend to work, go home, eat, rinse, repeat. Every day, every morning, every night, every moment. Nothing unexpected happens anymore. I expect to be tired when I wake up. I expect to be tired when I come home. I expect to eat when I'm hungry. I expect to shower when I suspect I'm dirty. No more curve balls, no more surprises. Right now, I yearn for something more. Life can't be like this forever after I get a job, can it? Everything feels so hard.
I just seem to always be wanting something more. Just something. But I'm not sure what. Sometimes, I think I yearn for the past. Sometimes, I want it back. Sometimes, I think I made the wrong choice. And sometimes, it haunts me.
I feel like my life is playing the same song over and over again. And for those of you that know me, playing the same song over and over again is not a good thing. It means I'm at the lowest point of my life and all I can do is curl up in bed and focus on a song playing over and over again and erasing anything else that may go on in my head.
Sometimes people disappoint me. I disappoint myself. I wonder what is worse.
I feel like there is nothing to look forward to and it breaks my heart.
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| I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm probably doing the wrong thing.
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