| now 18
I feel so embarassed reading even the last entry on this page, or that I kept this and other pages so long
I do still want to lose weight- I dont think Ill ever stop wanting to be thin- but Im not going to carry on being a complete fake or being wrapped up in my own little world
Saw a bit of a film called Girl Interrupted (i think?) with a very thin angelina jolie (that picture people use as 'thinspo' where she has blond hair and a t-shirt)- made me contemplate- it seems like the main character reflects something in us all- maybe we want to think were crazy and 'different' becaue we dont want to think that this is what being sane and ordinary feels like..
just finished my a-levels- I now have 15 months to do whatever I want
leaving home in just under 3 weeks- moving to berlin
|
| |
| total out: 800
total in: all bran (170) chicken salad sandwich (650) 3 sausages (180) humous (40) oatcake (50) salmon (40) mexican chili (150) 1270
total overall: 470
|
| |
| total out:950
total in: 1100
total overal: 150
|
| |
| b-oatmeal (100) protein powder (80) milk (30)
l-stuff (150) eggs (104) salmon (40) oatcake (60)
s-3 chocolates (132) pringles (50) curry (130) rice (100) brazil nuts (50) bread (100) humous (80)
total: 1206
total burned at gym:900
total: 306
|
| |
| im so mad about the fight I had w my parents this morning. I hardly ever stay this angry all day
it just brought up all this old stuff I thought i was over
basically ever since I gained 7lbs once from eating out of boredom when I was 12 theres been this tension between my and my parents (especially my mum) about my weight/food. My dad is naturally pretty slim and my mum has so much self control that shes shrunk to a small size 8 (uk) from a small size 12. my weight has fluctuated between 114lbs and 138lbs since i was 13. I completely admit i have problems with greediness/ control/ self discipline- I do want to learn to eat small portions and stay around 114/118 for my own sake- but my parents (esp mum) have just exacerbated the problem and my mum especially really hurt me by what she said. I know its kinda pathetic that i let her comments get to me- but I cant help it- im really young- everybody is moody & irrational as an adolescent- i do my best. but ive never been a seriously unhealthy weight and ive always had a better diet that a lot of people my age. so I accept if I eat too much ill gain weight and I have to work on getting/staying thin- but I just cant deal with my mum at all. every time we have a row (this time I was eating some tomato sauce for breakfast without asking and she mentioned its really rich and fatty  when I only eat it because i thought it only had 1tsp of oil and vegetables in it) -every time it just cuts into me. im left fealing furious and wanting to starve myself so I look sick. I know I never would, but theres a big enough part of me that want for me to keep on getting wrapped up in it. I was obsessed with tryin to reach 100lbs for well over 2 years. its all just such a pointless waste of time.
So since all mums foods are apparently so fatty, im not going to carry on eating them, or at least im going to eat a lot less. Im going to limit the food I have at school to 1 flapjack & 1 cookie per week. Im going to go to the gym every day during the easter holidays (in a week) and reach 119lbs by my 18th birthday in may
and im going to try to grow up and stay rational- not throw tantrums and wallow in misery and self-pity because of my mums comments.
|
| |
