If you had wings, what type of wings would you have? What type are they? what are they made of? What color are they? how many do you have? how would they look? how big would they be? How strong are they? how high or how fast can you fly? How many joints would they have? How flexible are they?

Post answers; and if you want draw pictures of your wings! colors are nice too. I'll work on mine when i can. =)

"Woo flashlight." I say as I publicly (and with permission) thumb through J--'s red leather purse. It's the type that's shiny and looked like that material that pleather boots were made out of. The type that looks like impossibly red (and possibly slightly orange) lipstick. It's a tube, a frosted red color with a black button and a hole about the size of a pencil eraser.

In the dark and din of the room, I search around the object finding the keyring then looking for the light bulb. I point my view straight down it and peer into it like a looking glass, still unable to find the bulb. For the fun of it, I push the button and felt it stop at the bottom of the spring, and with just a hint of confusion, noted that it didn't work. I shook it out and looked down it again, just about to push the button a second time when J-- snatched it up from me in alarm.

"Don't do that!" she calls. "It's pepper spray!"

Ha ha ha ha!

How awsome of a story would that be; Tursday night, completely sober, Jean sprayed herself in the face with pepper spray. Oh wait... that would have totally sucked.

"Hi. Your friend doesn't seem as interested in me as I want her to be."

"Did someone bring their mom?"

"Aren't you glad I didn't step on your toes. I didn't even lift my feet."

"There is a houssssssse.... in new orrrrrrrrleans! it's called the riiiiiiiiiiiiiii.... riiiiiiiiiiiiiii-- okay I give up."

So. Just then. I walked into notoriously quiet Stewart center computer lab. A girl gets on her phone across the way from me and with quite some authority asks to see the schedule.

"Am I put on the schedule. I'm supposed to work on monday. Did they fire me?" Pause. "Well can you check to see if I'm on it. I want to know if I'm fired. 'Cause if not, I want to work." she said a bit defiantly. "Oh. Well then I'm fired? Okay."

Dunno about you. But that's not generally a conversation I would want to have in earshot of everyone.

I had this friend, you see, (Nevermind what her name was, that’s not important.) Best friend in a new world...new, horrible world with new, horrible people. I wanted to hate everything about that place, and yet at the same time, she just wouldn’t let me.

We were very close for a year or two. We would always hang out after school together. Would do nothing for hours except watch anime or talk or eat or that type of shit. We hung out with other people too, but I never cared that much for them; just her. She was, in essence, my only friend in the entire world.

I blame myself for our present state of things. Losing her friendship and that type of crap. My fault, no doubt. It really was my fault. She did something; got caught. And I was no friend...I shunned her. Hard. I had been an escapist then, always able to run away from reality, always able to lie to myself and get away with it, always able to tell the truth to others and get away with it.

Our relationship never really got to the same caliber it had been. I developed more disagreeable relationships, with people who frowned stiffly upon her. And in the end, for the very reason I drew her so close to her, I was suddenly shoving her away. In my mind it was never something she did, become or say... and in the end...well maybe I’m not that great a friend after all.

I did the same thing she did, you know. For the same reason I shunned her, I was accused. And doubtlessly Guilty. And now, looking back at it, I regret losing her so much. I see her online on occasion. And on occasion exchange a pleasant hello.  She’s changed so much. I’ve changed so much.

We’ve all changed so much.

Guess we can never be those exact girls again.

I think back more often about that time in my life now. So sure, back then to blot out all of the awful things I had made of myself, my situation, my ‘life’. I hope and pray not as frequently as I can but as fervently as I dare, that I do not grow up and never learn from all the things I experienced.  I seem to have a nasty track record of continuously testing the same limits over and over again and again.

Now is really the first time in my life that I have come to grasp with the permanent nature of deep and meaningful friendships. I’d never needed to make anything more than a casual friend, so I guess that’s all I thought friends were. And the gravity of that looming understanding is finally getting to me. I’ve been so used to being so wayward and temporary that I’ve developed a personality that is just flimsy and weak. Do I have layers the way a truly intriguing woman should have layers, or am I just doomed to be a shallow friend to all?

I can’t believe that any more. I’ve since found people like my friend from grade school who I could cut my heart out for. Bleed my wrists for. But I guess some sickly artistic part of me will always be questioning. Opinions flung like accusations...hot, sharp and festering.  Feelings getting hurt, situations being managed, motives being questioned, relationships being tested... other fun crap.

I don’t want bad friends, but I don’t want to turn away what could be my future. At the same time, I don’t want to judge or even care about the affairs of others. But I can’t help it.  It’s like that desire to speak freely about frivolous affairs of my ‘heart’ and ego is hardcoded into me. Spending time, being closer to certain friends, teaches me constantly about the sanctity of words. To the people I love, I find more and more often that speaking so openly about them and theirs are not hard as I think it is about me finding it easy. Keeping your opinions and options to yourself is more difficult. And I learn daily, that the words spoken to me, are spoken directly to me, and not for anyone else.

Returning to my friend’s story; I find more and more, that you have to be more than satisfied with the desire, want and reward of giving itself and not expect or even hope for a signal of appreciation.  And, in the basis of friendship, you will end up getting from them exactly that which you are giving to them.

Have I closely considered what I give my friends of today?... Have I really?