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| I'd really like my parents to have a sensitive bone and to do nice things because they should WANT to do those things. You know, take some initiative, be a parent, respond to mail, be nice, make surprises, take time out and celebrate what your daughter does. I swear, I shouldn't have to send my own baby photo and current picture for graduation especially when that is meant to surprise me. I shouldn't have to do to that on my own. I shouldn't have to parent myself. I wish that'd really took pride in those small things cuz I shouldnt have to do them.
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| Why do we ignore our problems?
Why do we shut others out, when we clearly need each other to resolve our burning problems?
Sometimes, I just think we need to save each other, from entering our mental hells.
And I think either people think that no ones cares or people are too afraid to care alot.
When did emotion suddenly correlate to weakness?
If passion is supposed to strikes us, deep in our hearts, the depths of our minds, and penetrating to endless spheres of our souls, then why are we so afraid to let people in, especially when we need people to survive.
I am tired of being a coward. And I am tired of people not wanting to take extra steps. Take a risk, pave it forward, put ur soul on-the-line, save what essence that makes you truly you and sustain you.
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| You know that feeling, when you just dont know what you want from yourself...but you know whatever it is you trying to retrieve, tap into, bump into, that something, will just invigorate you to try again.
I don't what i want from me. If i really knew what I wanted, I wouldn't have so many questions. I wouldn't be so doubtful..I wouldn't be so dependent on fulfilling other peoples' dreams and I'd just be focusing on cultivating and expanding on my own.
I just don't know, what it is, that I want.
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| In need of some desperate need of graduation..... | | |
| So, I haven't really been here. Or rather I've been everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
I just need to get home. Aap mujhe bahut maf karte hai.
I need my parents to stop putting this pressure on me to succeed. I need them to stop, such that I can have the confidence and willingness to succeed. I can't handle this.
I am scared. To renew this path. As I look back, I always seem to choke at all the things that med school will use to judge me, my prerequs and my mcats and its frustrating to know in my m.o., I am the choker, double 00 wasting time and money. I just wanna be able to deliver like everyone else on the first shot, lol I couldn't even come out of the uterus properly or pass my driver's the first time. And I know standardized testing is going to be used to judge my capabilities rather than in person integrity and work ethic.
It bothers me alot. Its been 3 weeks since I got back my scores and my world got turned upside down. And I don't know where to start. I've talking with pretty much everyone including getting choked up infront of a grad student and breaking down in front of a teacher I really admire. and I know my friends are TIRED of hearing of this, that I should forget, that I should fight if I really want this, that I should be applying to programs or something like that. And I just don't know where my strong footing can take hold.
And I just scared of the real world. I scared of my dreams for good of mankind to be completely unfounded/unthinkable. And I know and experienced enough real world and I still feel scared.
Next note: People always wonder why I work so hard. Why I take X amount of credits and so forth... My answer: I need that pressure. It forces me to get my shit together and focus and time manage like a mofo on the go. Although its stressful, I need that feeling of stress circulating in my blood, I need that feeling of comptency especially when being at Cornell has taken away my belief in me to do well (despite what my resume and GPA says). I need to feel like an underdog, becuz I really am. No one takes me seriously the first time you meet me; cuz I am overweight so I have fight with all the bullshit stereotypes surrounding people who are obese...I had to deal with it in tae kwon do...and I still have to deal with it now, so I compensate by showing I can extend my limits, that I am not the person who expect me to be the first time you meet me, but that I am better than that. I am involved with the things I am involved with it; because I like to be INVOLVED. I like to be doing something other than just reading. I spent my freshmen fall in a dorm studying instead of meeting new people. I don't discard my baggage and I still hold regrets from there. I was too afraid of taking an elective bio class that I postponed it till junior year. I've always had to fight with me to be sane. To be simply happy. I need to be around people.
Why being a doctor? Cuz at the end of the day, I know I want to be around people and have them know I am there for them and not simply for the paycheck. I am tired of people getting gipped by our healthcare system, by doctors who think they are too good for people or because they won't get reimbursed as much they tend to do a shittier job. I am tired of people thinking they deserve better because of what SES class they are in. I think when we were all born, we were entitled to same quality of healthcare, that no person should have their options cut short because they cannot afford the best, we all work hard to at least be able to afford someone who'll take care of us especially when we don't have the skills to do it ourselves and most of us don't like being put in position on depending on others. We wonder why there is such a gap in the people who receive the best and those who cant afford it..these is so much red tape..and its a basic human right to live with dignity (not necessarily integrity but at least live with dignity).
Why am I working this hard...cuz I know I deserve better..especially when I know what put out is not always the same level of consistency...I always need to be proving something to someone...and I WISH I could be given the benefit of making mistakes and work through them. Cuz I know if I am busting my ass here and I have to bust my ass at medical school, I want some name recognition to be associated with my name. I have that pride in my work that I think any medical/graduate school would be proud of. My work represents who I am: my integrity, my fierceness, my determination, my ambition, my joy, and most importantly, my name. The work i put out is a reflection of me and my place high regard to that and its difficult for people to understand that concept. But in real world, u r only as good as the reputation and background that bolsters your name. I'm worth the investment and I have the fierceness in me to prove it.
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