Sorry for no update in so long. I was hoping to lose more weight before I updated. Nothing happened. I felt thinner. I don't think I gained, but how can you move your scale about 2 inches away from your sink and gain 3.4 lbs from about 30 seconds ago? Right....

So, today I'm going to go see the Red Sox. I'm pretty excited. (For the record, my mom is a Yankees fan so I'm not anti-Yankee lol)

I just feel frustrated. I almost feel like breaking off my relationship. Do I want to? No. Could I? No. I just don't feel worthy to be anyone's girlfriend. I just feel so worthless and frustrated. I try not to let it get me down. I try. I have been trying. It's just been beyond frustrating and looking back in my old journals made me feel so much worse. I was 11 and self-harming and trying to starve myself. It almost bothers me that it's been 4-5 years of this.

I can't understand what my boyfriend sees in me. I don't see anything. I see ugliness, failure, fat, someone who is   worthless. I thought that I'd change. I thought I'd love myself. I thought that if someone else could love me, I'd change. I thought that if I fell in love, I'd begin to love myself. I thought wrong. It bothers me so much more because my boyfriend deserves so much more than what I am. He means so much to me.

It bothers me so much. I just wish that someone would understand. Maybe it's possible, but I don't know exactly how I'm supposed to go spill my guts to someone. I'm trying to understand. I just don't get how someone can say "I think I'm falling in love with you." "I owe you so much-thank you." "You're perfect in my eyes." "You're  amazing and beautiful." "I wouldn't change a thing about you." "I never want to lose you."

I should be happy. I AM happy. I just can't understand how someone sees all of this and I want to change everything about me. The only 2 things I really like about myself are my name and my height. Wow, spectacular. It's a start. I also like my feet. My calves-it depends on the day. I pretty much like my teeth.

It's a start. I just like less and less of me. It makes me cry every time I think of what he tells me and I see how I am. I see me. He sees me too. He knows me. I can't understand how someone can say it to me, and it possibly be true.

Alright. I'm done.  I'm just so aggravated and confused. I wish I could change. I don't know how.

I'm babysitting right now. I guess I kind of binged. It's only noon and I'm jsut hoping not to eat anymore. I'll work out while the baby takes a nap-if she ever does. In 5 hpursshe should take one since she's been up since at least 8:30 this morning .

Last night I couldn't sleep my hip hurt so much. I fractured in September and it still hasn't healed. I've been trying to run on and off. Last night was just miserable. I really think that I did something serious to it this time. Then I felt miserbale. I felt like a failure. The emotions really struck hard andI don't think it's ever been this bad, or atleast it hasn't in a while. i felt like a such a failure. I started to feel horrible for everyone who knew me. I jsut thought, "Wow, they're stuck with me. They have to deal with me. They must hate me. I just burden them. aI thought baotu my boyfriend the whole time and just couldn't stop crying. I thought about how much betetr he deserrved. It hurts alot.

I prayed. I prayed to God to turn me into a good person. I prayed for peace of mind and body and soul. Please Jesus, make me into a good person. Looking into the mirror just made me cry and cry more. I couldn't stand looking at myself-so ugly and worthless.

So... no more eating and some serrious working out later. I went to walk with the baby in the stroller and almost got mauled by a dog-umm yeah. not cool.

<3xx

Sorry about not updating for a while. Nothing much has changed and I definitely didn't lose the weight. I saw my boyfriend yesturday and things went well. He was at my house for a little over 2 hours, give or take.  I wish things would have worked. I really do try for him. I spent 2 hours getting ready when I knew he was coming over. I care about him so much and I want to make him happy. He's my friend first, one of my best friends. We have both said the same thing. I couldn't ask for a better relationships and I only wish that my insecurities would stop getting in the way of everything.

Yesturday he told me "I wouldn't change anything about you. Not a thing. Everything is perfect the way it is. You're you and I don't want to change that...ever." I honestly had to keep mysel from screaming "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF AND WANT TO CHANGE EVERYTHING! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!" My jaw literally dropped and I just said "wow." I shouldn't complain, and I'm not . I'm so lucky. It's kind of hard to hear someone say how much they like something that you completely hate, and in this case, it's myself. 

I can't stand myself. To be perfectly honest, I don't like my hair. I don't like my face. I HATE my body. I'm way too white. (I need a tan) I annoy myself all the time. The only thing I like is my name. Actually, I love my name. Otherwise, I hate everything about myself.

Sometimes I feel like this is a cry for help. Can't anyone listen? Can't anyone understand? Can't anyone help me? Will I ever change? Is there anything good about me? Please, I want help. I want to change. I could change if I tried. I want to change my feelings though. Can't someone please help me with that? I don't expect to love myself. Truly, I never do. I've done to much to myself and that will never happen. I just merely wish to remove the insecurities and paranoia. I want to remove the pain I have when I look into the mirror.  I want to be pretty. I wanto be successful. I want to make people proud of me. I want people to be glad that know me and have befriended me. Can this ever happen? It could. if I painted on a smile with lipstick and became bones.

I'll never find inner peace. I have not my whole life since I've been hold enough to verbally trash myself. It's how I've grown up and no one has helped me. No one has stopped me. No one understands. I just want to like me. Once I find something to like...

Currently Listening Halo 2, Vol. 1 By Various Artists Follow Me-Breaking Benjamin see related

152.9

??? I'm not understanding this because I've been exercising and eating less in the past week. Weight shows up a week after the damage is done, so of course, results too, will take longer to be shown...Not to mention that actually working off a true pound of fat isn't exactly easy.

So today I had breakfast and coffee.  No carbs for me today!!!! I don't know about lunch and dinner. My guess is that I'll have an apple for lunch and I might have to eat dinner with my friend today.

Coffee- 200 (we'll pretend I had that much 1/2 & 1/2.. which I didn't)
Banana- 150 (i like to round up)
Dried Fruit- (raisins, cranberries) Should we say 250?

Fine so that's a pretend 600. I guess I should make myself run on this fractured hip. Ugh not fun. I'm so sick of this.  

Good Luck Ladies! xox

Liquids Fast/Diet today

I was doing okay. I've been running around since 8 o'clock this morning doing everything.

Really mad; really in a bad mood.

Sick of running around.