Devolucien's Xanga

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 03:20:23 GMT

There is some sort of insistence; a sensory overload on the word rush.

Urgent, fleeting, definite, confined.

He is there in moments and not one too soon. Daily residing in unmarked cars as a result of memory. Anchoring these reminders as the way his thighs were always so firm.
Exactly when does the voice soften to become more than words? Breathy and visible, they are highlighted by each angle in our motives. We should all be so lucky to line in aluminum foil and heat insulate as a measure to incite self gratification. It is skin on skin temporarily until the fire recedes as much as our intelligence--
Which is limited? Far more feral are the estranged clouding society of immorality. Honestly, I belong to everyone as a surrogate mind to intentionally cause riotous behavior.

--We drink.
--We smoke.
--We light and lie. And who is the giver?

                               Exceptional concubinery; we fuck each other's hearts regularly in the morning rush to find semi comatose procedures enlightening. To fill a void and be void. Stepping lightly on the concrete structures we 'adamize' and treat like ropes and whips on general phallus.

                               this is the anger.
He is there, godly
dispensing into latex formality

urgent, undefined shaping the rush to succumb

to willing arms and legs.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 16:22:33 GMT

i signed off on morals as of late.

new job, career options, school for make up artist license soon. known people for a year holy shit. can't believe that one.   boy is gone.   day that happened i met a new boy. then i started talking to my old guy, and then i just met this other new guy. (adorable, 23ish, 6', muscle-y construction worker looking, shy guy)   hopefully, tara and i are gonna take another spontaneous late night adventure to northeast philly and go watch the boys play poker at the bar.    not too much drama to deal with thank god. learning to keep my verbal giddiness to a minimum, that way i dont tell people things that i shouldnt tell them as my business is none of their business.   need a good beating and to find someone who wants to learn fun endeavors.

ps: on another note. I am continuously learning that my former group of friends isn't my style. I just don't think I fit in with the lets play videogames etc group.. maybe maybe not. it sounds super self absorbed and snobby but i'm just not geek material.   this has nothing to do with jess or erica or margaux or any of them.. i love all you guys. but your friends etc.. i dont think i fit well with and i'm sure you already knew that.

i love you ketan! keep your grades up hun! hehe so you make more than 80g/yr (because god forbid you ooonly make that much..... ) and remember law school is almost over.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 21:52:26 GMT

"i think i'm paranoid and complicated."

month gone. maybe later.
thinking. bad girl routine. it works for him.

sell it doll. harder. life isnt raw enough.

impassionate boy.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 03:38:37 GMT

This is your foolproof method:

play the game with a blindfold?

Let the colors spin out of proportion

controlling liaisons

under bridges but where will clever deceit

ever get you, precious?

If you are going to continue gently fondling

my arms and heart,
please write me to let me know.
I would like to be certain.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 05:09:12 GMT

oh what the hell.

i hate mind games.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 17:11:54 GMT

hmm. guess what.

ketan!!! i love you! you rock me more than i you! hehe vin diesel yup yup!

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 02:51:44 GMT

there's a place between your wake and dream in which honesty knows no judgment. and in this place, laying together turned towards each other, my body found your warmth, and when you arose, i wondered if you had really ever been there at all.
either way i missed you in your absence
and loved the way you smiled at me when i awoke to you adjusting your tie.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 04:31:12 GMT

so sad.
ok here comes the emotional outpouring because im tired of keeping it in and i need to rant to try and stop crying.

everybody always tells you you'll find somebody someday. like thats the bandaid for all your problems is dont worry.. itll happen EVENTUALLY. well what the hell. i know everybody feels like this. but why cant i just like a guy and he like me back and not just want me for sex? i know because thats just all im worth to you guys. great in bed and nothing else. does anybody even bother taking their time to look a little closer and try to get to know me? you know i havent had friends for years for nothing. i keep my friends to the end. im loyal and trustworthy and a sweetheart and funny and creative and fun to hang out with. and i listen and give hugs when necessary. so im thinking thats a pretty good combination in a girlfriend even if its just a for fun kind of relationship where you know you date just to date bc you are bored and have nothing else to do. im tired of this no emotion crap where i cant even like the guy and have to try my hardest not to. and it sucks too because not only do i hardly ever find boys i really genuinely care about but hes made it entirely clear that its NEVER going to happen. i mean, why cant some guy just give me an opportunity? a second glance? im not that ugly am i? haha i know im not. id be the perfect girlfriend. sometimes you people just have to let me try. and just have to open up a little bit so i can show you all the world i have to offer. because i do have so much to offer. and all i really want is a hug and some boy to WANT to be around me. how much am i really asking? im not asking for the fucking stars!

i miss him.. i miss that moment.

im gonna disappear into the night one day and just watch the stars fall forever and ever into your eyes like fire on a lightning rod and the ocean waves will crash around our hips spilling us into the sea like love and time finding each others hands to hold one by one. until then ill just kiss your lips and fold unto your body moaning in your ear because im trying to fool myself into thinking its real. but real is butterflies and spinning in circles and reading this entry and telling me what you really feel.

*sigh* i think i need to stop being in love with love and start cheering up a bit.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 15:11:38 GMT

ugh so i pissed him off last night.
but fuck it! im rocking at ESU this weekend! as long as everything goes according to plan. sarah is gonna hook me up with some hot college boys. and if not. i can always fall back on my baby, kb. hehe.

"and you will be the death of me. bury it. i wont let you bury it. i wont let you smother it. i wont let you murder it. our time is running out!"

Monday, January 31, 2005

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 23:49:02 GMT

i found the ultimate color today.

it is the best. no lie. i still need to find a top hat and cane and some other stufff. anyone wanna go shopping with me?

sweet boys are yummy!

god damn, you're missin out!